Actually, No I Don't

"Oh will you ever know
That the bitterness and anger left me long ago
Only sadness remains
And it will pass..."
-Sia, You Have Been Loved

Forgiveness is the hardest thing in the world.  People are not easily forgiven in my world because it almost feels like when they are forgiven, they win.  They've hurt me and yet I forgive them and they need not feel any remorse.  They can carry on like nothing ever happened.  Yet, I still keep their harsh words, their neglectful actions bound tight within me.  Why should I be the only one to suffer for what they did?  Keeping forgiveness dangling over their heads feels like my only way of properly punishing them.  It's not that I want them to hurt like they've hurt me.  It's not that it feels good.  It just feels right.

It doesn't help matters that I can't let things go.  If I could, then maybe I could forgive easily.  It just doesn't seem fair to hold onto the hurt while the one who inflicted the damage can frolick around absolved of their actions.  That's pretty selfish of me.  Should someone be tied to their transgressions for eternity?  Of course not.  Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect.  I, myself, have offended many people but that doesn't mean I should feel guilty for the rest of my life.  So, why should these people who have offended me?  They shouldn't.  I just need to get over myself so I can get over them.

Forgiveness isn't impossible.  As far as I can tell, I've forgiven my former roommate, the one who made my life hell for close to a year.  It's definitely taken a long time and some days I'm still sore from what happened but I think, overall, I'm okay.  Forgiveness is just going to take a lot of time, patience and maturity.  As a Christian, I have to forgive those who have hurt me.  As a fallible human being, I don't think they deserve it.  But this is where I have to wander outside of myself and do the right thing.  I have to let go of my personal protests and forgive as God does.  Harboring hurt isn't good for the soul.

I think a lot of times the anger dissipates quicker than I've realized.  What I mistake for anger is actually a sadness, a confusion as to what just happened.  The confusion turns into frustration which leads to anger.  I'm not angry at the person so much as I am at the situation.  How could they have said that, done that?  The angry slowly drips away but the sadness remains.  I suspect that's what takes the longest to get over.  I suspect that's what keeps me from so easily forgiving.  But, I will.  I always do.  It's just the right thing to do.