Karma Chameleon II

It’s not that I wish misfortune on anyone.  It just makes me feel better when it happens.

I tend to focus on the negative when it comes to myself.  That’s nothing new.  What you might not know is that I also tend to focus on the positive things in everyone else’s lives.  I always see how much better other people have it in relation to my own circumstances.  If only I could be rich or thin like them.  It doesn’t matter that their parents were abusive or that they might have a drug problem.  Nah, I don’t think about that as much.  And it’s weird because I should focus on the positives in my life but I guess I just take the positives for granted, as if they will always be there.  I’m not naive, I know they won’t be but I see them as my safety, my security blanket at all times and to imagine those positive aspects missing would be like imagining I had no forehead.  It’s just there and will always be.  Except, it won’t.  But I don’t think like that.

And when I see something not so good happen to someone who usually succeeds at everything, I admit that I do feel a small rush.  And it’s not so much that I feel good that someone else is hurting, just that life is balancing things out.  It’s nothing personal.  It’s simply universal.

I feel that human beings have this innate sense of right and wrong, of balance, of justice.  I could be wrong but I think, deep down, we all kind of have this moral compass.  Whether we allow ourselves to be guided by the compass remains up to us.  But it's there, willing to lead us.  It’s not that we expect our lives to work out wonderfully, and if we do, we are corrected pronto.  But, we do feel like there should be some sense of right and wrong, good and bad.  Things get a little messed up when things don’t go that way.  Naturally, if things are going great for us, we won’t speak up and wonder why.  We take it and love it.  To speak out against such blessings would be like that annoying kid in middle school who would pipe up and remind the teacher that they forgot to take up the homework from the night before that no one did.  I always hated that kid.  When things are consistently bad, however, we’ll definitely chime in and wonder what’s up. 

And I think we all have this sense of justice because justice is balance.  If someone does something wrong, they are punished.  They did something bad and now something bad happens to them to balance things out.  And that balance doesn’t even have to apply to someone who does something good or bad.  This balance could be applied to someone who was born rich or someone who never gains weight.  Someone who’s really smart might be ugly and someone who’s very successful might have a receding hairline.  And we all need that kind of balance because it helps us to move on.  Balance keeps us moving.  If there was no balance in life, bad to even out the good, good to cancel out the bad, there would be no reason to live.  If we knew that life was just always going to be good to certain individuals and always bad for others, then what kind of hope do the unfortunate have?  If you were to know that your life would never get any better, if you were destined to be depressed, would you bother getting out of bed every day knowing that no matter how hard you tried, you’d never make it?  I know I’d probably just off myself right then.  And I think that’s why we all feel like there should be balance in the world because if we didn’t have that feeling ingrained in us, half the population would be omitted due to suicide.

I know this guy.  He has a life I would like.  He makes good money and lives in a bigger city with more opportunity and culture and he has had many people who have loved him.  But, he was born into a bad family life.  His father left his mother when he was a child.  His mother then went through a phase of bringing home bad men and basically ignored her children so she could recapture her youth.  His sister became addicted to drugs.  But, he’s fine now.  Things were bad for him when he was young but now that he's an adult, he’s doing okay for himself.  And I guess that might be his balance.  Maybe he looks at me and wishes he had the good home life I did.  But, I'm also fat.  There’s my balance. 

I think this is why people believe in God and karma.  God will grant us access to heaven if we are good people and karma will come back to haunt those who are naughty.  And the beauty of these concepts is that we may never witness this justice, this balance, while we are on this earth.  It might take crossing over to finally get the good that we “deserve.”  This kind of faith also keeps people going, even under the most dire circumstances.  If someone ever gets to the point where he or she realizes that life will never get better, that person can look to the afterlife for happiness.  Simultaneously, it's frustrating when people aren't punished for their bad deeds, at least not in this life.  People who kill others and get away with it might go to hell but the friends and families of the victim will never know this.  And people who have wronged you might do their damage and then leave your life and move on and become successful.  Or maybe they'll become destitute.  You'll never know, you'll never have your sense of balance because it might not come any time soon.  And I suppose that's where faith kicks in.  You have to have faith that your God will punish the wicked and reward the good.  And the more I think about it, the more I think some people use God and karma to soothe themselves, to make themselves feel better about certain situations.  I almost feel like God and karma are more like concepts that people cling to to give themselves hope that something better will come along someday.  Because, if not, what's the alternative?

I think this sense of balance is why many people are so obsessed with celebrity scandal.  As previously mentioned, it's not so much that anyone personally wishes anything bad to happen to someone famous.  It's just the fact that when someone is more rich and recognized and powerful than they will ever be and they finally flop in some kind of way, that's the balance taking effect.  People feel better because they see that money and power can't get rid of every problem.  It grounds celebrities and makes common people feel better.   

It's also kind of funny how limited the faith in the concept of balance can be.  At least for me.  As of right now, I have pretty much given up any kind of hope for a good life.  I know that's very groan-inducing but I can't help how I feel, ya know.  It's been a slow transition but now it's finally sinking in that I'll probably never be anything more than struggling white trash.  I've worked so hard all of my life to do the right things i hopes that all of my goodwill would be rewarded but it hasn't and I don't think it ever will be.  The funny thing is I could win the lottery tomorrow or fall in love a year from now.  But, I can't see past my own misery.  I don't have that faith anymore.  I don't have that hope that God will intervene or karma will kick in.  It's kind of sad to give up on life at an age when life should just start beginning but I have just been beaten down enough, buried underneath so much emotional catastrophe that I can't see the light anymore.

For me, I don't believe in karma.  I don't believe that good people will always be rewarded and I don't believe that bad people will always be punished.  I see it as one big random spin of the wheel.  I've seen bad people succeed and good people suffer.  Good things happen to random people, whether they are good or bad.  Bad things happen to random people, whether they are good or bad.  This is a very dangerous idea to be toying with because it basically grants me permission to be a prick.  I mean, I'm not going to be but I could if I wanted.  If goodness doesn't matter then why should I spare anyone's feelings?  Why should I go out of my way to care when no one cares for me?  Obviously, because it's the right thing to do.  I don't want to be one of those people who are just nasty to be nasty, who goes out of his way to be mean just because life didn't treat him kindly.  No, my inner a-hole would only be brought out when prompted.  It's a side of myself that I've always kept well hidden because it wasn't appropriate to act that way, especially in fear of being galactically steamrolled because of my bad behavior.  Then again, I probably would be anyway.  With my poor circumstances, everyone else in the world could be terrible and get away with it but as soon as I flipped off someone or so much as uttered a swear word I would just be making things worse for myself.  Bad enough things happen to me when I try to be good so I don't want to risk taking on any more tribulations.

Maybe the most maddening part is that there is no balance.  Life is chaos.  Justice is imperfect.  Karma doesn't always catch the right guy.  And God works in His own mysterious ways.  So, what is left for us to do but pick up and continue.  But how?  I know that sitting around and waiting for balance is about as likely as waiting around for someone to fall in love with you.  Maybe you have to find your own balance.  The next step is to find out how to do that.  And I haven't quite made it that far yet.