Branomaly

I was watching the latest season of The Real World (I know...stay with me) when one of the girls said something I found interesting.  She and another girl were talking about their cast mate.  As they stood in front of the bathroom mirror and applied their makeup, they were discussing his reserved qualities, commenting on the fact that he never shared very much of himself.  One of the girls seemed concerned while the other girl expressed her admiration for his quietness.  To paraphrase, she said that people are all too willing to share too much of themselves these days.  Ask someone how they are and you're hearing about their struggle to come to terms with their alcoholic parent or the triumph of overcoming a speech impediment.  She said she actually liked it when people kept to themselves and didn't spill too much.  I found that interesting because that is the complete opposite of who I am in real life and in my writing.  And it begs a few questions:  am I sharing too much of myself with people?  Am I somehow diminishing the mystique of me by revealing more information than necessary?  And are people finding this annoying?

I think the reasons I try to be so open about so many things are because 1) when I was younger, expression wasn't allowed in my house and 2) I hope that openness can possibly create a connection with other people.  I think there are some thoughts, some feelings, some situations that people find themselves in.  These thoughts, feelings and situations might be embarrassing or maybe scary.  And when someone else can come up and talk about them, it makes you feel like you aren't the only one.  You don't feel so alienated and if you're really lucky, whoever talks about their similar circumstances might even work out a solution that you can also use.  Over the years, I've come to realize that expression is important.  You see all these programs and therapists that talk about expressing your feelings and airing things out.  The fact that communication is so open these days only reinforces that notion of expression.  We can just about talk to anyone in the world through cellular phones and Internet.  So, I feel there's been this giant push to be more communicative with others because the technology is there.  So, we might as well use it.

And maybe that's why the girl on The Real World didn't mind her cast mate's inclination toward privacy.  Perhaps she found it refreshing?  A nice change of pace from the emotional/verbal vomit that has been assaulting our senses for the past several years?  And it makes me wonder if I share too much, too fast.  This new(ish) job is actually a great opportunity to find out.  Reviewing my behavior over the course of the past week or so with my coworkers, there are times when I think I've over shared.  It's not so much that I automatically lay out my life story.  They just ask questions, which open the doors to answers, which open the doors to an explanation of answers, which most likely leads to over sharing.  I wonder if this annoys people or if they find it nice to see someone so open or maybe they don't care either way.

There's a part of me that thinks I should keep some things to myself.  Maybe I should be that guy who keeps to himself, the one who is reserved.  Not that I should shut everyone out but maybe I shouldn't be so quick to lay it all out there within the first conversation.  Besides, being quiet and mysterious is sexy, no?  There's something about wanting to know something more about a person.  Once you've found out what you wanted to know, the spark of mystery is pretty much put out.  It doesn't mean you lose interest completely.  I suppose it depends on your level of interest in the person in the first place.  I don't know.  Maybe if I hold some things back, leave some things up to the imagination, that might generate interest.  It kind of goes back to the whole "chase" thing.  People like the chase.  They chase fame and fortune and lovers and friends and material things.  Once they get it, it's not as gratifying as the desire for it.

And then you have to think of the dangers of the interwebs.  If you're too open, some of the info you've so graciously shared with the masses could end up in the hands of a teacher/boss/probation officer and that can get a little awkward.  It's one of those tricky areas.  It's information you're comfortable enough sharing with a large audience of strangers but not something you would necessarily want people close to you to know about.  Does that make sense?  You can talk about your abysmal bathroom habits or your interest in Scientology and it might make for good blog material but it would also make for interesting water cooler fodder in your office.  You wouldn't want people knowing what you're doing in the crapper during your lunch break.  I guess it's a bit weird to feel so comfortable sharing the most intimate parts of yourself with a group of unknowns rather than the people you actually interact with on a daily basis.  It makes sense, I suppose.  You're safe behind your computer screen.  You don't have to see the faces of the disapproving and those who don't like you can easily be blocked or ignored.  And those who are into what you're sending out will come to you.  It's a process of elimination.  It's a steady flow of traffic.  In real life, you pretty much have a set number of people who see you at any given time and if they find fault with your expressions, it could cause tension and future problems.

Then again, this is just who I am.  I've found something that eases the pressure of existence and so I will continue to use this medium as long as I feel it's beneficial to me and those who might have something to gain from my words.  I'm open.  I'm easy to talk to and I'll easily talk to you if I find you're a suitable fit for my fits of mad talk.  And over the years, I've pretty much talked about everything that was on my mind.  I can't think of too many times when I censored myself.  If I feel it's worth discussing, I will.  If it's not worth it, i won't.  But, I don't actively pick and choose what content goes into my writing.  It just happens to be whatever I'm stressing about at the moment of writing.  And with that being said, I'm not going to claim to be super open.  There are some things I haven't discussed (did that intrigue you?  are you curious to know what those things are??) and that's only because I haven't personally found comfort in throwing that kind of stuff out there.  As I said, it's all about what I'm comfortable with.  It's all about relieving stress and feeling better about certain issues.  And as I get to know myself better and discover who I am as a person and as a voice and as a soul, different things will come out and need to be discussed and/or vented.     

And what I find more interesting than someone keeping information to themselves is someone who reveals that information slowly over time.  It's like leaving a bread crumb trail to your brain, revealing a little more with each epiphany, peeling back the layers of behavior and personality.  For me, when I read someone over a period of time, I find them more interesting the more I learn.  Sure, mystery is sexy in its own way but I much prefer revelations.  Not only does it work for me for writing, but reading as well and I can only hope my readers feel the same way.  I mean, who doesn't want to be intriguing?  Who doesn't want to be an anomaly?  And how do you get there?  Do you take away?  Do you give a little bit?  Do you pull back in bunches of break off bits and pieces?  I suppose all I can do is keep myself as open and honest as possible and hope I'll find an audience who will find me a tad bit awesome.