Sui-Sidelined

"Speeding
Into the horizon
Dreaming of the siren
Wishing for broken glass on the highway
It could be so easy"
-Vanessa Carlton

What is it about suicide that makes people so uncomfortable?  We always hear about drugs, sex, teen pregnancy, bullying, but not so much about depression and suicide.  It's not like talking about masterbation, which is embarrassing but manageable.  It's not like talking about underage drinking, which is illegal but acceptable to most people.  Is it because it's too heavy, too dense a topic to tackle?  Bring up suicide and people either clam up or roll their eyes.  People either think it's a subject too serious or an emo cry for help.  But it doesn't have to be too serious and it doesn't have to be a call for attention.  It is what it is, just like anything else we deal with in life.  People commit suicide.  People know people who have committed or attempted suicide.  People think about it, whether seriously or casually.  It's there and yet it's not.

I don't think it's uncommon for people to contemplate suicide.  Life sucks.  Hard.  And some people think that's their only way out.  We are all looking for distractions to life's pain.  That's why we have alcoholics and junkies and gluttons and people who are obsessed with sex.  That's also why we have books and television and art.  But for some, these things are not enough.  They don't shut out the pain as completely or as often as they do for others.  That sinking feeling of being pulled down by the world will always stay with them and the only relief can be found in death.  But thinking about it and actually planning to do it are two entirely different things.  As for me, suicide has always been a part of my thought process, ebbing and flowing in severity over the years.  I don't have much of a problem saying it because why should I?  Am I now a freak because I've thought about it?  Am I damaged, a weirdo or a creeper because I've contemplated ending my life?  I don't think so.  I just think it makes me human.  I can remember praying to God to just let me die in my sleep when I was a young kid.  Because I was more religious back then, I believed suicide was a one-way ticket to hell so I certainly wasn't going to be the one to dispose of myself.  But if God did it then maybe it would be okay.  Eventually, I put that thought away when I realized God wasn't going to grant my request.  From there, the thought almost went away but would come back periodically throughout my teen years and came back full force several months ago.

After I graduated from college, I honestly felt like my life had fallen apart and the worst part about it was I felt trapped under the rubble.  I think it's okay to say your life sucks and you can be miserable as long as you know that things will eventually get better, that your sadness is only temporary.  As for me, I truly felt like things would not get better.  Because of my financial situation as well as my living situation and general craziness, I just could not see how things would get better.  There were no other options for me.  I was too poor to move, too alone for support and too depressed to even care.  I was trapped.  While I was working at the bingo facility, driving one and a half hours to and from work, I'd cry my way there and my way back home.  And under the blackness of the night sky, I often thought about jerking the steering wheel off the road and into a tree or just crashing my car into a building.  I'd drive along the quiet road and accelerate at the thought of hugging a light pole.  The broken yellow lines blurred into one hazy guideline that pointed me toward the twisting metal of escape.  The trees zoomed by at a rapid pace until they were nothing but a gray smear all around me.  My heart thickened and pounded as it rose up into my throat.  My palms burned from gripping the steering wheel so tight. 

And then I'd slow down.

It was something I thought about, something I played over in my mind, but not something I truly intended on doing.  I was still worried about going to hell.  I knew as bad as I had it then, hell would be worse.  Another thing that kept me from taking the idea of taking my life seriously was the fact that I'd leave my parents a financial burden.  Since they co-signed my student loans, they'd have to take on the responsibility of paying.  That might sound silly but I was honestly concerned that they might not be able to pay and have their wages garnished or their house taken away.  I'd hate to know I left them in that kind of state.  I never worried about how they'd fare emotionally, however.  I wasn't concerned so much with that.  Sure, they'd grieve but I didn't want to leave them without a house to grieve in.  Plus, they'd still have my sister, whom they always liked better, anyway.  They'd get over it.

Suicide has always been a small part of me, like the quiet kid in the back of math class who has all the answers but never raises his hand.  Sometimes, I'd notice him and just as he'd open his mouth to speak, I'd look away, afraid his answers would be too correct, his solution too satisfying.  But, it's not like I'm really going to ever do it.  At least, I don't have any immediate plans to perish.  At this point, I'm just sort of waiting it out, sitting around to see if things get better.  I still think I have some important things to say.  I still think I have a book or two to write, an animated series to create.  I still feel like I have a voice, a voice that needs and deserves to be heard, as conceited as that may sound.  But as soon as I have nothing left to write and as soon as I win the lottery so my family can take care of my outstanding expenses, I might pull a Plath.  I just hope that God would understand and that I won't just be blindly belly flopping into the lake of fire.

I was reading up on suicide and Christianity and someone had asked a Christian's opinion on being saved and asked if it lasted forever, even if the saved person committed suicide.  The Christian responded by saying that salvation did indeed last forever and that suicide didn't necessarily automatically equal hell.  Of course, this is just one Christian's opinion on the matter and you can ask one hundred different Christians the same question and get one hundred different answers but there was actually something comforting in that thought.  It was, however, a dangerous thought to have.  One of the only reasons why I never blew my head off was because of the fear of God and now I'm hearing that He might not mind so much.  It's soothing and scary all at the same time.

Some people might think I would be selfish to kill myself, that "I have so many people that care about me."  First of all, show me those people.  Secondly, you're right.  For the people who are leaving those that loved them behind, it is pretty selfish.  Think of all the hurt you felt that took you to the point of suicide and now spread that pain onto everyone you're going to affect by killing yourself.  Kind of sucks, right.  And I used to strongly feel that way.  How cowardly.  How selfish.  How weak these people must be.  But, that was before I got to that helpless point myself.  I think it's easy for people to make judgments, to call someone selfish or cowardly if they've never been to that point, if they've never felt that huge hole, that sadness that obliterates everything good and renders all things meaningless.  It's so simple to say, "How can he stay with her?  I'd leave my girlfriend if she cheated on me!" or "I wouldn't be like that parent.  I'd like to think that with God, I'd forgive the person who molested my child."  But would that really be the case?  We never truly know how we are going to react until we are put in that situation.  Oftentimes we are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.  Conversely, we are also a lot weaker than we realize.  So, we can easily condemn people who are suicidal and say they are just weak or encourage them to go through with it because "no one needs them anyway" but instead of seeing that person as pathetic, maybe people should show some compassion.

I'm pretty sure a person who has reached the point of suicide has most likely reviewed all of the options.  I'm not saying that's always the case but I would hope that more times than not, it is.  They probably already realize how they will be perceived as they step onto the ledge or prepare the pills.  They know the people, the responsibility, the legacy that they will leave behind.  They will be called a coward, they will make their families angry, they will hurt a lot of people but has anyone ever stopped to consider that they know this yet are willing to go through with it anyway?  Maybe all that pain, all that anguish, the ruined reputation is worth it to them because of the pain they are in.  It's better to them to get out of the situation and deal with the consequences later, no matter how devastating they are.  The act of suicide might be selfish but it also might be an act of desperation, a last resort for repairing that pain that runs so deep no one else can fathom it.  Plus, these people might be really sick.  Suicide could be a symptom of mental illness.  Some people might want to take the easy way out, some people think it might be the only way out and for others, it might be out of their control all together.  And because of that, I feel more sympathy for the suicidal than anger.  Once again, though, I speak out of my mouth and not from experience.  It's simple for me to say this but if someone I knew committed suicide, I can't say I wouldn't be angry.  Words are easy to say.  Emotions aren't as easy to feel.

I'm not condoning or condemning suicide.  I'm just simply putting it out there, hoping exposure will lead to a bit more understanding.  We keep scary topics in the dark, hoping they'll just fade in the shadows but because they can't be seen, we don't notice how they grow, how they multiply and increase in strength, feeding on ignorance and distance.  Heck, if you're feeling suicidal, that's actually the best time to pipe up and let someone know.  But, even if you aren't, what's so wrong with talking about it?  I guess it's embarrassing because it's so deeply personal.  And maybe some people just can't handle that kind of profound honesty because so many people aren't even in touch with their own feelings so it's natural that they might not be able to handle anyone else's.  Just like with anything else, serious or otherwise, we should open the lines of communication so that we can shed light on those dark things and take their power away.  Suicide obviously sucks but I think it touches more people than anyone would like to let on.  And people who have thought about it shouldn't be shunned or made to feel crazy.  The truth is, we all go through depression.  This world is not good and will cause us to go to those places we never thought we'd go.  It's no fun but it is real.  And real is human.  And we are all human.  None of us are so far removed from any emotion, thought process or action that we wouldn't say we'd never consider jumping ship.  Because you will.  Believe me.  I've been there.  And in time, you probably will, too.