Writing My First Novel

Well, National Novel Writing Month is now over and I am happy to say that I not only met the goal of writing 50,000 words in thirty days, but surpassed it.  You can take a look to the right side of your screen to see my total word count.  It feels good to have pumped out so much material in such a short amount of time.  I'm exhausted, relieved, happy, and nervous about what I've done and the future of this story I've written.  Actually, I'm still writing it.  I haven't quite finished, although I am pretty close. 

It feels weird to come home from work and not have a deadline to meet.  For the past month, I've literally come home from work, taken a nap, pooped, and then wrote until bed time.  And in some ways, I've gotten used to it.  Now, things feel slower, calmer.  And now, it's going to take some time to get used to that as well.

Thoughts on National Novel Writing Month
I first heard about National Novel Writing Month a year or so ago.  I thought it was a pretty interesting idea but I was pretty busy with school so I didn't have the time or energy to dedicate to the project.  Jumping to last month, I realized I wanted to take on the challenge.  Because I've been working on my memoir for the past 3+ years, I figured I needed a literary kick in the behind to kick start my writing again.  So, I decided to write a novel in thirty days, not only to see if I could do it, but to really get my writing juices flowing.

The only problem was I remembered about the project a good week before it began.  And I had no concept.

I had a short story brewing in my head for a while and I wondered if I could expand it into a novel.  I realized I would have to because that short story was the only story I had going on.  So, on November first, I took my concept and began to write.  I wasn't necessarily concerned about it being great because it was, after all, an experiment, just to see if I could do it.

And the argument that most, if not all, of the novels written during National Novel Writing Month are not going to be great is what a lot of people use to criticize the project.  Some people say it's just more unpublishable trash thrown into the world and a big waste of time.  I disagree.  The website tells you straight out that the goal of the project is not to create something wonderful or life-changing.  They tell you the novel will probably be crap.  And you know what?  It's okay.  The goal is not to have this polished piece of literary ambrosia.  The goal is to write.  And, if you're a writer, I think you can understand how hard it is just to write sometimes.  Writers often worry about creating a good story, sure, but I think a lot of writers also worry about just sitting down and pounding something out.  Writer's block sucks and probably affects every writer at some point.

Plus, writers, and people in general, always tend to say, "I'd like to write a novel but I don't have the time, resources, energy, etc..."  I think people tend to forget they lack the motivation as well.  Writing a novel just isn't as important as getting to work/school/rehab on time.  Writing a novel isn't as big of a priority as paying the bills or waxing your car and/or bush.  Writing a novel isn't as important as putting food on the table. 

So, for a writer who suffers from writer's block or that regular person who doesn't necessarily write all the time but wants to explore that inner novelist, National Novel Writing Month is the perfect excuse to sit down and just write.  There are no prizes except for a few small goodies and the feeling of actually having written a novel.  There are no penalties for not winning.  Basically, there is no pressure.  There is a goal and there is encouragement and then there is you.  Even if you don't make it to 50,000 words, the fact that you started is a step in the right direction.  The fact that you sat down and wrote every day in a step in the right direction.

So, yes, my novel is not good.  But, that's okay because this is only the first draft and it can become something good.  And if it does become good, who knows, it might start a nice career for me as a writer.  But, I never would have written this if it weren't for National Novel Writing Month.  It just goes to show that you never know what could happen, what something can turn into, if you just give it a shot.  Plus, I now feel like I can finish my memoir faster than I would normally.  If I can pull a novel out of thin air in thirty days, I should be more than able to complete my memoir (that I already have plenty of source material for) fairly quickly.

And that is why I don't think National Novel Writing Month is a waste.  It is merely a tool to get writers to write.  They say everyone has one good novel in them, even people who don't write.  Maybe this is that opportunity for non-writers to get that novel out and for writers to explore something different or just get motivated to create something at all.

The Process of Writing My Novel
As I said, my novel is a short story concept that I came up with a long time ago.  Because I am not very creative, I couldn't really think of another idea for the project so I just said, "What the heck," and sat down and starting writing with that idea in my head.  The first few days were pretty hard for me because I really had to get into the rhythm of writing again.  Then, I had to get into the rhythm of writing from someone else's perspective.  From two people's perspective, to be more exact.  Not only did I have to get back into the swing of things writing wise, but I had to somehow come up with a way to stretch my already thin concept into a flippin' novel.  The anxiety of having to do that pretty much clogged up my creativity and I almost abandoned the project the first week in.

But, I decided to press on.  As stated, the fact that bad writing is in some ways encouraged reassured me that I could go on, that whatever I pulled out of my butt would be satisfactory for now because all the project is focused on is quantity.  Just get those words out, even if they are crazy.  So, I did.  I wrote and really tried to let the story tell itself.

Every time I've written a piece of fiction, I've always had a pretty good idea of what was going to happen throughout the story.  Details get muddled in the overall arc but I pretty much know what's going to happen in the beginning, middle and end.  I try not to let these ideas become concrete in my head, however, because when I begin to write, I want to do it organically.  I don't want the story to have to bend to the will of the events I have already conceived but rather use those events to steer the story in a decent direction.  Basically, I try to keep the story from swerving off the road but I don't try to dictate every turn.  I want these characters to be real enough that they'll begin making their own decisions, plotting their own path in the lives that I've conveniently provided for them.

Side note:  This is where I get messed up when writing.  A part of me wants to be very planned out and meticulous.  This is how you can provide excellent foreshadowing and tight pacing.  Yet, I don't want it to feel calculated.  If I remember correctly, Stephen King says in his book On Writing, "…knowing the story wasn’t necessary for me to begin work. I had located the fossil. The rest, I knew, would consist of careful excavation."  I like the idea of stories being there and writers just happening to be the lucky people who get to find them and put them on paper.  It makes it feel more real, like they were meant to be and meant to be heard.  Yet, as I said, without careful planning, writing a story could lead to a lot of getting sidetracked and pacing problems.  So, I suppose I'll have to continue finding a middle ground of letting the story tell itself while simultaneously having some hand in how it unfolds.

And as I wrote my novel, I started to see that, yes, these people were beginning to take shape, form their own opinions and take their own direction.  And as one thing led to another, I realized that the skimpy story was beginning to flesh itself out without much help from me.  And the fear that I would run out of material way before I hit 50,000 words began to fade away.  And here I am at 51,000+ words and I still have quite a bit more to write before I finish.

The novel is about zombies.  I know this comes as a huge shock to many people who know me.  Well, as it's my first foray in novel writing, I thought I would try to make it easy on myself and write something I know well and write something I thought I would have fun with.  I know zombies.  Zombies are fun.  But, as I was writing, I wondered, "What else am I trying to say?" I think if a story doesn't connect with people on a deeper level than just surface level zombie stuff, no one is really going to enjoy it.  Even if they do, it will be easily forgettable.  It needs to resonate somehow.  And I think that's a big part of what makes the  novel weak. 

Another side note:  First of all, there's very little action.  Secondly, it almost reads like my blog.  There's a whole lot of introspection and psychological mumbo jumbo.  I guess that just goes back to writing about what I know.  I almost feel like people would be surprised, and possibly disappointed, to find out it's more of a drama or psychological portrait of two people rather than some gut munching blood fest.  Yes, there's blood.  Yes, there's gore.  But it's not on every other page.

When I began to write, I didn't really know what I was trying to convey other than the initial premise.  I realize now that I can inject all sorts of my own personal pain and social commentary into it but what do I choose?  Where do I go?  What statement am I trying to make?  That will be the biggest question I'll have to answer once I finish up the story and then jump back in for the second draft.

I'm very hard on myself.  I don't think the novel is very good yet there's a drive to finish, that well-you've-come-this-far attitude that makes me want to complete it.  Plus, just because I don't particularly like it doesn't mean others won't.  Plus, this is the first draft.  Of course it won't be good!  That doesn't mean it can't be great later.  I suppose I'm just worried that because I don't like it much now, I don't see how I will like it later, ya know?  It's not a case of turning something good into something great.  It's a case of trying to polish a turd, in my humble opinion.  I'm not sure I can do it.  But, the drive I have to get something published is very strong in me and I really want to get this book out there just so I can have an actual physical book written by me in my hand.  And that seems a little dangerous.  I definitely don't want to ruin my reputation as a writer before it even begins.  I don't want to hand people a crap book and then expect them to throw money at me when I write ten more books.  No, I feel a lot of pressure because if this book isn't good, no one will want to read anything else I write.  And because I don't even like this book, how do I expect others to?  I wonder if it's even worth the multiple revisions it will have to go through to see the light of day or if I should just shelve it and move on to something else.

I read somewhere once where someone said you should write a novel and then throw it in the trash.  Then, write a second novel.  That second novel will be the one that counts.  It makes sense to me because when you do anything for the first time, it's more of a learning experience than anything.  And learning experiences often aren't pretty.

I guess I have some choices to make.  I have to finish the novel and then decide if it's worth my time to revise.  I'm scared because I don't consider myself to really be a fiction writer.  I barely consider myself a writer at all.  But, if I were to call myself a writer, I'm more of a nonfiction writer or an essayist.  I feel my strengths come from writing about real-life situations and my feelings about them.  It's an entirely different world when you have to make up situations and trying to figure out other people's feelings about them.  Plus, I have to recognize that my own crippling insecurities are at work here.  I've never been confident in my writing abilities, fiction or nonfiction.  I get a good bit of support and it means the world to me and it's only then that I feel I'm actually decent (that is not me fishing for compliments, I promise, so don't compliment me on my writing abilities, please!)  But, it goes beyond writing.  I'm insecure about everything involving me so I guess I should just get over it and show me stuff to someone. 

I just have this thing about other people's expectations of me.  For some reason, I always feel there's this hype about my abilities.  I'll draw a picture for someone and then suddenly they tell people and everyone thinks I'm this great artist and they want me to do stuff for them and I feel like their expectations are so high that I can never meet those expectations and then I'll disappoint them and they'll think badly of me.  Same with writing.  I show something I've written and suddenly everyone thinks I'm this wonderful writer (all because of hype, of course, not from the actual material itself) and then people expect me to write these epics that I honestly don't think I'm capable of.  I'm quite a mess.

If I've learned nothing else, I've learned that one shouldn't underestimate novelists.  It is a freaking hard job.  It's so much more complicated than you'd think.  You never just sit there and write for a few hours and you have a story worth selling (well, it probably doesn't happen too often).  There's a lot that goes into it and I have found that out the hard way.  And I'm not even in the thick of it yet.  I don't know what the future holds for this novel but I'd like to think I'm going to continue working on it until I feel it's good enough or I'll continue working on it until I think it can't be saved.  Either way, I've got a lot more work to do.