job prospect paralysis, part III

I keep getting these job offers that I don't want.  And they keep coming back to haunt me.

First, the cell phone company leaves me hanging for weeks and makes me think they didn't want me, giving me enough time to talk myself out of even wanting it, before they call and say they wanted a second interview.  I turned them down.  Then, the promotion at my current job that fell through in February suddenly came open a few days ago.  Once again, I was given enough time to talk myself out of it and even felt relieved that I didn't get it.  But I was actually singled out for the position this time around.  And no one had to get into a car crash this time around, which was pretty nice.  I don't want to say I was guilted into it, necessarily, but the supervisor made it seem like I was the only reliable choice.  I didn't want to disappoint him and I did need the pay raise so I hesitantly agreed.

Plus, being a supervisor looks good on an resume, right?  'Cause the bachelor's degree sure hasn't been helping.

I think the thing that sucks the most is how I absolutely work myself up into a tizzy about whether or not I should take these jobs.  From the cell phone place to my current job, any time something that could possibly be better was offered, I ended up feeling sick over the decision.  I walked around with heartburn for days, agonizing over whether I should take the chance or wait until something definitely better came along.

The only problem is I have no way of knowing if something better will come along.  Jobs are pretty scarce in general and even more so in my town.  I suppose it's just the fact that I am already so sad and I don't think I could take another disappointment or another crappy job.  It would finally do me in.

My indecisiveness is pretty maddening.  I was always a pretty indecisive person but it really got bad once I went off to college.  I was so sure, so unbelievably sure about going there and in a matter of days it all blew up in my face and radically changed me, from the way I thought and felt to my outlook on life.  It changed my world, and not for the better.  And I think for my first big decision to be such a disaster, it implanted paranoia in my head.  I was never sure of anything after that.  And it's not even about the big stuff, like jobs or education.  A few days ago, I stood in the frozen food section for thirty minutes trying to pick out a pizza to eat that night.  I scanned each one, checking the prices and ingredients and tried to tap into my tummy to find out what it was craving.  I put one pizza in my shopping cart, then put it back, grabbed another and then put that one back as well.  I just wasn't sure what the right choice was.

And so I found myself pondering whether I should take the supervisor position.  I talked to a lot of people and with each person I talked to, I felt differently about taking it.  One person made me feel good, another made me want to retract my acceptance.  I wondered if it would be another bad choice.  Would it be like the old job at the bingo facility where I transferred positions, thinking it would be better, and ended up being worse?

It sucks to be so unsure of things.  And it sucks to feel like the type of person who can't make good decisions, who can never seem to get things right when it comes to making big, or even small, choices.  I'll probably end up sticking with pursuing the new position, and I'm sure I'll regret it, but it's more money and I definitely need that.  I'm just not sure if I need all the extra stress and responsibilities.

I just need to get my book finished so I can send it off to agencies and get a book deal and become comfortable enough to quit retail and not have to worry about any of that anymore.  Or I need to at least hold on to that dream so I don't end up putting my head in the oven.  Hey, if I can't be a writer, at least I can go out like one.  Am I right, ladies?