job prospect paralysis, part IV

Aboot a couple of months ago, there was an opening at a local company and you know I jumped all over that.  Even better, I finally had connections.  A former co-worker works there now and she said she'd put in a good word for me.  My current co-worker's husband knows people there.  She said he'd put in a good word for me.  My dad knows people who work there so he got them to put in a good word for me.  Another co-worker's mother works there and I asked her to put in a good word for me.

I had a lot of people on this.

I was pretty excited because the job requirements didn't seem like anything too drastic and I knew people.  I felt better about that job prospect than many I had before it so that was a nice feeling.

I turned in my application and never heard anything back.

I was slightly bummed until one of the girls I work with said her mom told her they wouldn't be doing any new hiring until the craziness of Christmas was over.  That relieved me and I didn't think too much more about it (except for when the frequent rude customer came in and pissed me off, rekindling my fantasies of quitting and starting the new one).

For a good month, I tried not to get too excited but at the same time I knew I had at least earned an interview.  My resume was good.  I had good references and a lot of inside people.  Obviously, it was all up to me to sell myself during the interview but I felt confident that I could do it.  I allowed myself the occasional fantasy of being able to resign from my old job, get the new one, have nice benefits and vacation days and not have to deal with the public.

The timing felt right, too.  Near year, new job.  Possibilities.  I could see the doors opening.  There was a lot of prayer and a good amount of hope and a bit of dreaming, too.

Couple of days before Christmas, one of my coworkers told me someone else had gotten the job.  Boom.  Just like that.  Didn't even get an interview.  That month of anticipation fizzled away in seconds.  I was pretty disappointed.  But I didn't have time to let it set in because I still had the Christmas rush to deal with.  I silently swore, suited up, and carried on.  I didn't have the time or energy to be annoyed because I had already reserved that feeling for the rude and smelly customers who waddled through my department. 

And speaking of my department, my boss still hasn't told me what's going to happen to me in March, although a lot of other department supervisors have been informed.  Pretty sure he's going to wait until maybe a week before he screws me over to tell me.

I have to say, whatever higher power in the universe and/or beyond is screwing with me is getting really good.  It sucked enough not to even get to the interview stage but it made it all the more miserable for me to have to dwell on possibly getting it.  I have to laugh.

All these paper cuts are really adding up.

And I love it.   

The pain, the disappointment, the rage feels so good at this point.  It just proves what I've been saying and feeling all along.  My life is so predictably shit that I can call it now.  It's confirmation.  It's recognition.  It's acceptance.

It's just making it easier for when I decide to disengage.