masokissed

"I am a man that gets lost in a blush and a sigh
You’re nothing rare, I get snagged and thrown back all the time
But I’ll give you this much, I can’t slip your crooked smile
It’s always the one’s you can’t taste that you’ll never deny..."
-Sacha Sacket, Cruel Attempt

So...there's this girl...

Honestly, I don't even want to make a big deal out of this because it isn't a big deal but I just need to get it out because it's becoming too inflated in my head and that's what happens when I don't write what I'm feeling.  It starts as a seed in my brain and the more I put off writing about it, the more it expands as I keep thinking about it and I keep thinking about it because I can't write about it and so it grows, most of the time beyond what is necessary or relevant.

I've already blown this way out of proportion in my mind so I'm just gonna put it out there and then be done with it.

This girl is peculiar.  I can't quite place her in any of my categories I create for people I interact with on a regular basis.  She could be a friend but I don't believe in friendship.  I could have a crush on her but I don't believe in that, either.  I would call her an acquaintance but that doesn't seem quite right, almost like it's not enough.  So, where does she fit?

To keep it real, I think that I may have forced myself into thinking about her so much.  If I was alive, I might have a thing for her.  But I'm not.  And I don't.  Yet, I do think I am that lonely that I will make up feelings for someone just to feel like a normal, functioning adult with connections to other people.

And it's sick. 

She's pretty and educated and we have the same sense of humor and love for food and distaste for people.  Okay, I have more of a distaste for people but certain groups of two-faced banshees get on her nerves sometimes, too, so I think that counts.  And I can make her laugh and I enjoy making her laugh.  And...I don't know.  I kind of like being around her.  She, uh, sort of kind of, um, makes me smile.  I suppose all of those symptoms would equal a crush but I don't have a crush on her.  I'm above all of that (or below, depending on how you want to look at it) but I suppose she's somehow slipped into my consciousness anyway.

I don't like her, though.  I've come to the realization over the years that I am simply not wired that way.  I can't feel anything for anyone.  I've tried and the few attempts I made ended disastrously.  I'm just not meant to connect to others.  It's been hard coming to terms with it but I'm farther along than I've ever been and one day I think I'll fully accept it.  Until then, I'll just have to struggle with incidents such as these.  Maybe it's just another case of me not accepting myself, lying to myself to grasp for some sense of normality.  But I'll never be normal.  I'll never live the dream, get married, or have children.  Mostly because I don't want to, but also because I simply can't.

I guess I just latched onto her because she would be my type if I could feel anything real for anyone and I made myself think she could be something special just so I could have a record of a girl that I could say I once liked.  So I could have a history, something to talk about, something to look back on and reminisce over instead of an empty landscape, blank page after blank page in my little black book.

I don't think I'm attracted to her.  She's pretty and I like her style and I like...I don't know, seeing her.  Being around her.  But there's something there that holds me back.  I honestly don't think I'm holding myself back.  I try to step outside of myself and look at things logically.  I'm not making myself not like her.  I just don't.  I think I'm catching myself making myself like her.  Nah, I'm forcing feelings.  I'm so desperate to try not to believe that I am unattached that I will cling to something that doesn't exist, feign attraction that's not there.

But I think about what the definition of attraction is.  I'm not really sure.  The way I usually determine if I'm attracted to a girl is to ask myself if I would want to kiss her.  I don't know if that's good criteria to go by because, as we all know by now, I have the social skills of a twelve-year-old boy.  But I am a picky kisser.  I won't lock lips with just anyone and I don't want to lock lips with the majority of girls I've come across.

But I think I would kiss her.

The next step would be asking myself if I would want to have sexual intercourse with her and I can safely say I don't think so.  Can you be physically attracted to someone but not sexually?  Is it possible that my own insecurities have infiltrated my sexuality, causing the concept of coitus to scare the crap out of me, no matter who it's with?  I mean, the idea of sex itself is terrifying to me so I suppose it would be a leap to imagine me doing it with anyone else, even someone I might possibly be attracted to.

But I feel it's an important thing to think about.  If something ever were to happen between us, I'd hate to think of us getting close and getting into a relationship and then when it came time for intimacy, I'd back away.  It probably wouldn't be good for me or her or our relationship.  She might feel rejected and I wouldn't want to hurt her that way.  I couldn't bust out the whole "it's not you, it's me" thing, could I?  Pretty sure that's played out and doesn't come across as sincere to anyone. 

So, I don't want to boink her but what do I want with her?  Why do I keep thinking about her?

There are times when I think she might sort of kind of maybe possibly ever so slightly...like me as well.  She is usually always the first to initiate having lunch with me and she texts me not a lot but more than anyone else does and she once told me I was her favorite person within our small group of shared acquaintances.  And I have to admit, that made me feel good.

We had a conversation the other day about liking people.  She mentioned that one of our mutual acquaintances had liked me at one point and I told her I knew about it.

"How did you know?" she asked.

"Well, she told me," I said.

"Oh, I could never do that."

"What?"

"Just tell someone I like them like that."

"Why not?"

"I don't know.  I just, I guess I'm not that way."

"Well, you know, you could be missing out on a good thing."  Gosh, I was being really subtle.

"Well, I mean I'd give hints."

"Oh," was all I could say.  Idiot me, I guess my brain was trying to process that information that I forgot to ask what kind of hints!  I should have found out so I could have known what to look for.  But, it doesn't matter anyway.  She's got a boyfriend.

So, I guess she doesn't like me that much.  And I certainly don't like that she has a boyfriend.  But why should I care?  We aren't together but I guess I don't like the idea of her being with another guy in that way.  Jealousy?  Insecurity?

I think that's what it is: insecurity.  I don't like her but I like how she makes me feel.  I like making her laugh and I don't like the idea of some other guy making her laugh.  What if one day she won't turn to me to make her laugh?  What if she leaves me and focuses all of her time on him?  I couldn't blame her.  That's her boyfriend.  She should focus on him.  Not entirely, mind you, but it happens.

But I just don't like it.

I'm just confused.  I wonder if maybe I'm liking her as a friend.  Maybe I should start from the beginning, start small, think of what a friend is and think about sticking her in that slot.  Is it friendship I'm seeking or a romantic relationship or just companionship?  She's the first girl I've come across since the ending of a good friendship that has made me feel she's more than just someone I can take or leave, forget when she goes away, enjoy her while she's there and move on when she leaves.

But that doesn't mean I won't when that day comes.  And it will.  It always does.

It's happened more times than not that a girl will swoop into my life and then exit just as magically.  And I've been unnerved by these events enough times to know not to get too attached, to just take them and enjoy them while they last without forming any lasting bonds.  It often feels shallow to hold back from people, to not let them in because they won't be around much longer but it's safe.  It feels better than the bitterness that sets in from giving too much of myself to someone only to have them dash off with it without warning.  Without so much as a goodbye.

I mean, I have to protect myself.  They leave and all I have left is me.  I have to be strong for myself because when they are out of the picture, what do they matter to me?  So, I didn't let them get close.  So, what?  Obviously, they aren't worried because they are gone away from me.

I'm just so starved of touch and intimacy and connection that I am forcing myself to feel something for someone when really there's nothing there.  Despite that, she's on my mind.  But what does any of this matter anyway because she has a boyfriend so it's not like there's anything I can do, any move I can make, any thing I can say.  He's younger than me (and her), and thin and good-looking.  And he's probably not goofy like I am.  He's not socially inept like I am.  He knows how to interact and kiss and make her light up in ways I can't imagine.  I can't compete with that and frankly, I won't put myself through trying.

So why do I put myself through the rest of it?  It's like I'm torturing myself for some unknown reason.  I know there's nothing there and I've even realized that and am trying to accept it and yet the thoughts continue to run, the smiles and feel-good fuzzies are still there.  I suppose I'll just have to hunker down and wait for them to dissipate.  I don't have time for a girlfriend, anyway.  I don't want one.  Even if I do, I really don't.  Even if I did, I really can't.

The heart is too dark to beat.