supermarket checkout

Like I said I was going to do, I went out during my first day of vacation.  It took an hour's drive just to get to the city and I spent all day walking around the different stores and shops.

While I was in the mall, I looked around at all the clothing and realized I couldn't wear any of it.  Although I've lost weight, my body is still so poorly shaped that nothing fits me well.  Shirts always fit me in the shoulders and chest but because I have a big belly, they get tight when they reach my midsection.  And because of my big belly again, along with absolutely no butt at all, my pants never fit right.  They're always too tight in the front and too loose in the back because I have no rear to hold them up.  I constantly walk around pulling my pants up and I feel stupid.  And constantly uncomfortable.

Also, t-shirts are made so thin nowadays that I can't wear them, either.  They tend to cling to all the wrong spots, drawing attention to my knockers.  I'd like to be a t-shirt and jeans kind of guy but I always wear undershirts to smooth things out before I put on a polo or button up.  I hate it because wearing so many layers is hot and uncomfortable.  But I have to. 

I'd like to think I would dress well if I had the body for it.  I think I know what clothes look good and there are times when I think I can pull a decent outfit together but the fit always brings my look down from sharp to shitty.

I felt a little down so I left the mall and went to a supermarket to soothe myself.  Maybe I'm just weird but I enjoy going to supermarkets and drugstores just to see what they carry.  Every place seems to have something different.  Sometimes you can find hidden gems there. 

As I wandered through the store, I saw an attractive girl wheeling her cart around.  She was on her phone, absentmindedly chatting away in a pink top and short shorts.  I just happened to come up behind her as I made my way to the bakery to do some browsing and wishing I could eat everything in site when she looked back and saw me and then looked forward again.

We eventually parted and I wondered if she thought about me at all, if she gave me a second glance when I wasn't looking, if she checked me out as I walked on by.  I doubt it.

And that's what sucks about going out in public.  I can't even look at clothing or grab some chips and dip without feeling depressed.

I realized I wasn't that guy in the supermarket that girls check out.  When I'm over looking at the fruit, no one wants me to thump their melons.  I'm not that satisfyingly attractive person you pass by on your way to the peas, the one who breaks up your mundane chore of grocery shopping.  I'm not the one you hope you keep running into on every aisle, the one you secretly want to talk to about toothpaste brands while you try to hide the very visible  Kotex and Preparation H in your cart.  I'm not the one anyone gets a small thrill out of seeing, even if they never do anything about it but go home and wish I had noticed them as much as they noticed me.

I never get checked out at the supermarket and it's disheartening. 

It's those small bites of recognition I crave.  I don't know why.  I've never been conventionally good-looking so one would think I'd be used to it by now but it's something I cannot let go, something I still want, still need.  But why?  Why am I so preoccupied with my looks?  Why can't I just accept my face the way it is?  It certainly won't be changing any time soon so why is it that I cannot just accept me for what I look like?

I think a big part of it is knowing I have potential to be attractive.  I know I'm not hideous.  I'm average at best and that's doing a lot better than some people but I feel I have the capacity to bump that up to slightly above average and with my insecurity, I'll take any marginally higher percentage of attractiveness I can get.

I feel I'd look better if I lost weight and dressed better.  I feel I'd look better if I could ever get my skin to stay under control.  I feel I'd look better if I could straighten my nose and teeth.  I feel I'd look better if I had more hair on my head and less on my body.  And these are things that can be fixed.  Some of it easier to fix than others but it's all possible and I keep holding on to those possibilities and keep thinking if I could achieve all of those corrections, I would feel good about my appearance.

I think that's actually progress from how I used to feel.  In the past, I hated my entire body and face but I've come to some realizations over the years that I've already inflicted too much damage to recover from.  I can lose the weight and get abs but I'll always have stretch marks.  I can fix my teeth and nose but my eyes will always be uneven.  But I can deal with that, I really can, because those are things beyond my reach.  I realized it's pointless to much emphasis on worrying about those irreversible changes.

I know I'll never be really hot.  It's difficult to deal with sometimes but as I get older, I think I've gotten better at coming to terms with it.  But I still concentrate on wanting to reach the highest level of good lucks that I can.

I've been told my mind is attractive and while it's flattering and ultimately the best compliment, it's not enough for me.  I think the reason why is because so few people see my mind or the real Brannon.  They see the goofy side, the shy side, the one who makes deadpan jokes and drifts through life with no real goals or ambition.  They see the real world me.  But those people don't have access to my thoughts.  They don't know how I really feel about people or the world or the god that hovers and never helps.  They don't see the reflection or sensitivity.  They just see the blemishes and receding hairline and blank looks when I don't know how to respond to what they've just said.

I am only comfortable expressing myself when I write.  It's when I can slow down and clearly convey my thoughts and feelings.  The best part is I can go back and edit myself, correct my misspellings and misgivings and no one is the wiser.  I don't have that luxury in a real-time conversation.  Once it's out of my mouth, it's out in the open and I've taken things too far or made things too awkward.  I am not a great communicator.

So, for me, being told I'm physically attractive is a quick fix.  No one has to take the time to see the real me or find my mind intriguing through my writing.  There's no investment on anyone's part.  It's quick and it's dirty and it's satisfying.  In my uneducated opinion based on a lack of deep, meaningful connections with people, I think those second glances would be just as gratifying as a good compliment about my brain.  And deep down, I know that's sad and wrong.

It's easy to recognize, not as easy to overcome.