every day is a dagger

I ruined the only good relationship I ever had.

Memories of holding hands and hotel rooms keep me warm but the cold always settles in again.  The irrevocable damage sweeps over everything and I just can't believe it happened, that things turned so bad so fast.  And it's the reason I pushed people away and messed myself up for all these years.  The worst part was I did it all for no good reason.  It's not like I ever really belonged to you.  And I'm not sure I ever wanted you in the first place.  But you were the closest I ever had to something special and so I held on to it so tight, an iron grip on a frail hope.

I pinned myself to the ground and watched you fly away and flourish.  I was left behind, fingernails splintered on the concrete floor.  The pain deepens every day, spread out and penetrated into every part of me.  It will never go away, grafted on to me the day I gave up on you and everyone, and everything, else.  I call out, "I'm here, too.  You forgot about me."  But my voice grows weaker.  Their ears grow more deaf.  The space grows wider.

You don't get to be okay.  I don't want to be happy for you because you ripped me apart.  You didn't even mean to but damn it, you did.  And I just want you to know the pain you caused me.  I just want you to dip your toes into the fire you lit inside my soul.  Just have a taste and then you can move on with your life.  And I want you to carry a bit of that burden with you when you do.