Affectation

The following entry was written in my paper journal while I was still in Savannah. I posted the Flame of Friendship entries because it gives a little bit of back story regarding this entry. While it's not a sequel of sorts, it's almost a follow up to those writings, comparing how I felt about friendship then as opposed to now. I realize not much has changed. Sitting in Forsyth park, I watched the people go by, parents and children, couples, SCAD kids, and saw how the sun shone down upon them all and all I felt was empty.

---

"you woke up an asshole
i couldn't believe my eyes..."
- Rilo Kiley

It's almost amazing to me how easily I can cut people out of my life. I get hurt, I get rejected, I get disappointed and then I get gone. I can't handle feeling like I'm not important enough to consider so I run away from those who are inconsiderate. And it's not like I let go of people after the first rejection. I do try to be reasonable. I always try to make sure it's not just my paranoia talking, that I'm not just making up drama or intentionally looking for their flaws but once I've determined they are truly are at fault, I'll eventually forgive them and continue on with the relationship. Depending on how much I like them, they can hurt me anywhere from several times to just once more before I'm done with them.

I remember this girl, Melody, from my first year. We dated very briefly before she slapped me right in the face by inviting some other guy to sit with us while we were having lunch together. She flirted with him unashamedly right in front of me, eventually phasing me out of the conversation. I did some phasing out of my own after that.

I never spoke to her again.

It's funny because I was seeing potential there. I was in talks with my defenses to possibly let her into my life. And the fact that I was willing to develop some kind of attachment for her, the way a seed of affection was growing and she split it open so callously, crushed something that never got he opportunity to develop as it should. I realized she wasn't worth the hassle of being upset over nor was she worth any other kind of attachment. I hadn't known her that long, hadn't been that close to her and yet she was still able to hurt me, was able to kill a little bit more of my heart and that really opened my eyes. If she could hurt me before deep feelings were developed, just imagine how much it would hurt once I started actually liking her romantically. And it would surely happen. Nope, can't take that chance.

Snip, snip.

And when it comes to Chasity and Maliha, the only seemingly constants in my school experience, I feel like they are prime examples of why I'm not just some jerk who does away with those after the first dam of dissatisfaction breaks. I spent the same amount of time with them my first year. They both made me laugh and frustrated me equally. But with Maliha, I don't care if I never speak to her again. Chasity, on the other hand, is someone I wouldn't mind keeping around, at least for a while. As much as I don't want to, I genuinely like Chasity, even if she does make me want to gut her sometimes. And the difference between Maliha and Chasity is that Chasity is just as messed up as I am but she tries her best and I can't blame her for that. In some ways, I understand her. Maliha, on the other hand, is just an abrasive, overbearing twat.

Snip, snip.

Chasity is a nice girl but she is also the most unorganized, unreliable girl in the world. All of my life, I have taken care of other people and now that I'm shifting my priorities to what I need, I'm realizing I need stability in my friendships. Chasity doesn't provide that for me, thus she's not friend material. But she does provide a good time and a few laughs and I think that's why I still accept her phone calls. It's the degree of connection and affection that I have for these people that dictate how long I'll keep them around before reaching my breaking point. If I like you, I'll put up with a lot but I can't be walked on forever.

Sometimes I think maybe I do place impossible standards on people. I admit that I do take some of the blame when it comes to my failed relationships. I meet new people and instantly hope they'll be something for me and when they can't meet that expectation, I discard them. I just need to start accepting people for what they are, just people, instead of what I wish they would be: a friend, companion, lover. Instead of tossing people aside, I should just place them in an allotted space in my life and be content with that. Maybe that will reduce disappointment. My roommates are just my roommates, not friends. Classmates are just classmates, not friends. Even my "friends" are really just acquaintances, not true friends.

And I've become so disjointed that I don't even know what a true friend is, I just have the feeling that none of the people in my life reach those ambiguous qualifications. And based on my personal experiences, I just don't think friendships last. I know everyone will disagree with me but that's probably because they feel they know what true friendship is and they have people in their lives that they can call friends. I don't. I don't have friends as proof that relationships can retain that spark forever. The Flame of Friendship entries were actually inspired by two failed relationships in my life.

The first one was with a former supervisor of mine. She was my biggest supporter. She was so encouraging of my drawing and especially my writing. She actually made me feel good about myself, like I was someone worth knowing, like I was talented. I admired her greatly. I didn't know her any longer than two years but she was my favorite person. And then I moved to Georgia and she dropped me. We talked sporadically but the conversations faded fast. As much as she encouraged me to go to school, she surely didn't check up on how I was doing, which was terribly. I really could have used her support then but she was no where to be found. When I would come back home for breaks, she'd cancel plans for us to meet or she'd ignore my requests completely. I felt like she was kind of done with me, that if she'd just ignore a few calls, not respond to a few e-mails, I'd get the message and go away. And I did. I had to accept that she didn't want to be a part of my life anymore and I had to let her go. As much as I liked her, as much as I felt for her, as much as she believed in me, more than anyone else at the time, I had to cut her out because the pain of her dismissal wasn't worth the short-lived joy she brought to me. It just kind of astounded me how she went from being my biggest fan to not speaking to me at all. Just like that. It was jarring and disturbing.

Snip.

The other friendship that sparked those entries is the one with my oldest former friend. Her grandmother used to babysit me a year before she was born and when she came along, her grandmother would watch after her too and she became my first playmate. She became my first friend. She became my best friend. We even looked like brother and sister, especially when her grandmother would dress us alike. And she felt like a sister to me. She knew more about me than anyone else, closer to me than anyone else. She was my best friend for almost twenty years. And once again, when I moved away she stopped talking to me just like the first. And I know what you're thinking. Maybe I was the one who left these people behind. Maybe I was the one who stopped communication, that I cut a few strings. No, I tried to keep in touch. In fact, she stopped talking to me a while before I even moved away. She got a boyfriend and I guess he took up all her time and she became so enthralled with him that she pushed me aside. And the day I knew we were done was the day I found out she got married. No, I didn't hear it from her. I heard it from her cousin. She didn't even let me know. Another slap in the face. All of those years of being so close and now we are nothing.

Snip.

I think the nail in the coffin, so to speak, that really killed my affection for people was the relationship with a special girl that I met a few years ago. Yes, it was one of those online long distance relationships. We never dated but I can safely say we were pretty much into each other. I suspect she wanted to pursue a romantic relationship but I didn't want to do that. Long distance is not my style so I told her the only thing we can be is really good friends. I was satisfied with that and thought she was as well. And things were fantastic for a few years. We talked almost every night and she, just like my former supervisor/friend, became my favorite person. Except she was my age. She was an amazingly talented writer and photographer and I respected her so much and I admired her as much as I liked her. And as with Chasity, I felt like we were so similar, sharing the same passions and flaws, so I understood her, could relate to her struggles. And I felt like she understood me as well. I was not alone in my faults.

But I suppose I didn't understand her faults fully because she would never fully let me in and let me know what was going on with her. As open as she was, she was also fiercely private in some areas. She had a habit of descending into a cave every once in a while, temporarily cutting off contact until whatever trauma she had been through was either resolved or sufficiently repressed enough for her to come out of hiding. I understood because everyone has their own way of dealing with problems but she did it again and the final time she did it, I didn't hear from her for months. She stopped all contact and after a while, it just gets old. I can't help her if she won't tell me what the problem is and I certainly can't put myself on hold while I wait for her to get out of whatever funk she's in. There were times when I needed her to be there for me but she made herself unavailable. I realized that I waited on her long enough and her way of dealing with problems is incompatible with the way I feel about friendship. I didn't expect her to tell me everything, detail by detail. I understand that there's always going to be some level of privacy in a friendship. I didn't tell her everything either but she can't just cut me off so completely like that. I realized I had to move on, to grow and experience things without sharing them with her because she couldn't share anything about herself with me anymore. And I think she hurt the most because there was some of that lame puppy love high school butterflies that bubbled up for her like they had for no one else and to see that be squashed was rather sad to me. I took it surprisingly well, though, and I suppose that's just because I'm used to the rejection. And I think she was the final push toward me being the way that I am now. I thought, out of all the friends I had, she'd be the one to last the longest but it didn't happen that way. And if it couldn't happen with her, I don't know if it can with anyone else.

And I understand that to the average onlooker, I might seem cold and distant but can you really blame me? After I've been rejected so many times, it's just hard to get up. Sometimes you want to give in and just lie there and submit to defeat. I've been cut off, x'ed out and pushed down too many times to bounce back so easily.

And I think the saddest part about all of this is how unemotional I am over all of it. I simply do not care. I don't care about my former supervisor and I don't care about my former friend. And I don't care about the other girl anymore, either. Last I heard she somehow found her way out of her blackness and into the arms of another guy. I guess I feel sad that I couldn't be those arms. And that is my cycle of certainty. I'm certain people will come along and I'm certain I'll become attached. I'm certain they'll eventually leave me and I'm certain I'll get hurt. That pain will certainly turn into apathy and then the cycle will certainly start all over again and all I'll ever be is empty. And I know that's normal. I'm knowledgeable enough to know that friends come and go but aren't certain friends supposed to stick around? Not for me. I don't believe in long lasting relationships because I have never been given a reason to. They all leave eventually. The talking tapers off and all there is is silence. And again, I know a majority of the problem is me. I am in no way saying any of these people are terrible. They didn't belittle me or spread rumors. They just cut off connection. Maybe it's 'cause I'm too hard to love. Maybe I'm too damaged and when people find that out they aren't willing to come near me. They have too much baggage to help me deal with mine and that is understandable. I don't think I'd wanna be friends with me, either.

I've learned not to become invested. I've learned to enjoy people for the moment because they won't be around very long. I enjoy people for what they are instead of what I desperately wish they would be. And I've come to a point where all this rejection is just a joke. I have to laugh to keep from screaming. And I've changed. I've become darker than I ever could have imagined. I can shut people out so easily, cut my feelings off like I'm flipping a switch. I guess I've just had to do it so many times that I'm used to it, that I'm good at it. It's almost like I don't even have feelings at all. Maybe I've been hurt so deeply that I've put away my feelings entirely and I'm just faking it all of the time. This person within me is burning my insides because I never wanted to end up like this. I've become so unattached from everyone. I don't talk to or touch people anymore. I've become a ghost, an affectation of what I once was. And I don't know how to fix it. I thought when I moved away that it would be a great chance to start over, that somehow I'd discover the tools to form healthy relationships but I just fell into old habits. And when I moved back home I just left a trail of more mangled relationships and I'm frustrated because I can't seem to get it right. I wonder if I ever will and the saddest situation is the one in which I've given up. It's a situation I'm sitting in now, of being indifferent, of being so low that I'm content not to care...