The Flame of Friendship III: Hot Wax Poetic

Written September 2008.

Candles don’t disappear. Wax doesn’t die. It only changes. It stands tall in the beginning and merely melts under the heat of a flame. And after the fire flickers out, it remains, a hardened pool of wax, essentially useless.

When a friendship is formed, so is a candle. Two people come together like carbon and hydrogen. Warm hearts work to heat a flame that forges a friendship. Commonalities are built up like wax and each conversation shapes the relationship like the shaping and smoothing of a candle. And a pair of people prepare paraffin through conversations and laughter and the candle is erected, being built upon same interests and activities. And once the initial “getting to know you phase” has passed, the relationship intensifies as the candle is lit until the pair is pulled apart once the wicker has been whittled down by the fire and the wax melts away in time.

I don’t even know what a friend is anymore. Did I ever know? Probably. Before life became crappy and complicated. Before I became crappy and complicated. I’m pretty sure I’m too selfish and needy to have a friend or be a true friend to anyone else. It’s almost like, if they can’t do anything for me, I don’t really want to be around them anymore. Disappoint me and I’m done with you. And that shouldn’t be the way it is. Maybe I’m just so worthless on my own, so lacking in self-sufficiency that I depend on others to help me get by and when they can’t, I lose interest.

Is it not disgusting that the people I once really cared about I would rather never see again? This came to my attention when I came back from school. A group I used to be really close with in high school wanted to get together with me to hang out. We were all really great friends in high school. I felt connected to those people, close to them because it was us against everyone else. We were the kids that didn’t automatically gravitate to any one particular clique. We weren’t unpopular but we certainly didn’t rule the school, either. And so I was excited to see them but once I actually hung out with them, I realized I am just not the same person I was all those years ago in high school and they still pretty much are.

I’m not saying that I have grown and they haven’t. I’m not saying that they haven’t made their own strides toward maturity. I’m just saying that I’ve changed in a way that disconnects me from what used to bring us all together. And I’m not saying that I’ve changed for the worse or they’ve changed for the better. We’ve all just changed, period. And there’s nothing wrong with that but for me, I just don’t feel comfortable with them anymore. I suppose going to school really did a number on me. Being away made me miss home but when I came back I realized it wasn’t my home anymore and Georgia certainly isn’t my home. So, I just float between states and struggle not to scream when I realize I have no home of my own and now, not even a group of friends to turn to.

I guess I’m just simply in a different spot than everyone else. I’m still a lost soul, still wondering if I even have a soul at all and everyone else seems to have plans. Everyone knows where they are going and what they are doing once they get there. And I hate when the phone rings because I know I’ll have to pretend to care about what they have to say and I’ll have to fake laugh and feign interest in the conversation. And I hate when they ask what I’m doing later on ‘cause I know they’ll want to hang out and I don’t know if I should make something up or just simply tell them I’m not feeling up to it or if I should begrudgingly agree to meet with them.

I don’t know if I believe in lifelong relationships, such as marriage. I barely believe in long-term relationships of any kind. I’ve seen friends lose long-term friends before and I’ve even had my experiences with losing some of my very good friends as well. A friend of over 20 years got married a few months ago and never bothered to tell me. My mentor/mother figure/friend/former supervisor who always used to encourage my artwork and writing stopped speaking to me after I moved away to college. And it’s scenarios like the ones my friends were in and the one I found myself in that make me think that friendships just don’t last. We come together and then go apart. Some stay longer than others but eventually everyone will leave me. And just to be fair, sometimes I do the leaving.

And yet I feel these stirrings inside when I’m with these people, these former friends who are still actually my friends but not really. I realize I don’t want to hurt them. I realize I don’t want to flat out tell them that I feel we have nothing in common anymore and that I’d rather we just go our separate ways. And I guess that is because I love these people, I just don’t like them anymore. I mean, remember, at one time I was very fond of these people, developed real feelings for them. And that hasn’t gone away. I still wish the best for everyone. It’s not that I detest these people or think I am above them. I am just different and not invested and hollow. And that love is still there, but the wax that held us so closely together has melted and allowed us to just separate from that closeness. I suppose the only thing I can do right now is wait it out until I return to school so I can run away from my problems like I always do. It’s easier to be absent when you’re a state away.

I think it’s pretty funny that paraffin, the wax most commonly used for candles, is derived from a Latin word that means "a lack of affinity.”