Saturday, March 20, 2010

Babel

Do you ever wonder why I write so much?  Do you ever wonder why everything I write is so long and superfluous?  Do you ever wonder why I keep writing about the same things over and over again?  It’s because I am trying to figure out myself at the same time you are.  It might interest you to know that you are finding out about me at the same time I am.  I learn about myself by writing.  I am trying to figure myself out with each entry.  And oftentimes, I don’t get it right the first time around.  I can’t just write about being fat once and find peace with my findings.  No, there’s so much more to explore than just overeating.  I can’t just write about being lonely once.  It's not just because I’ve never had a girlfriend.  It’s more complicated than that.  I can’t just write about being disjointed because things haven’t gone my way.  My depression branches off into different directions of disillusionment.  Thoughts and feelings and actions are all so complex.  I think most of the things we do and think and say come from a variety of factors, not just one.  Our past influences our present and our past coupled with our present influences our future.  We are driven by years of experience and emotions.  Every action and thought adds to our collective consciousness.  And it’s been my goal to break down each one of my issues little by little.  As I grow older and become more mature and experienced in life, it brings a new perspective on things, a perspective that I will then explore.  For me, it's going to take a lot of growth to get to where I want to be with myself.  

I often find it frustrating when people don’t seem to understand where I am coming from in my writing.  I don’t want to be a “whiner” again but I sometimes feel like people don’t understand what I’m trying to convey through my writing and they take things the wrong way.  Don’t misunderstand, I am basically talking about an online journal I keep on another site.  I get a good bit of feedback from fellow bloggers on this site but people’s comments on my other blog are so off the mark that I wonder if they even bothered to read everything I wrote.  Like I said, I understand some of my entries are ridiculously long but those are the entries that are the most important, the ones where I feel I have explored every aspect of a particular issue to the best of my current ability.  Those are the ones in which I dig deepest.  And those are the ones that are often the most misunderstood.  I have to wonder if people feel daunted by the length and instead decided to skim.  Skimming is only acceptable when it comes to milk.  Skimming when it comes to reading, however, it not acceptable.  You’ll miss a lot of information that way.
   
It's really frustrating when people bring up something in a comment that I've already explored in what I've written.  They might give me a piece of advice or a few words of wisdom but it's something I've already covered.  Or they'll offer me an opposing viewpoint on what I've written, something that, once again, I've already covered.  I do try to see things in a variety of ways and tackle certain topics from various points of view and I often bring them up in my writing and say why I do or do not agree with that particular perspective.  Yet, some people feel the need to bring it up anyway, as if I haven't already thought of it.  Other times, people just miss the mark completely.  They'll take a certain paragraph and focus on that, even if it's not particularly relevant to the main point of the entry.  

Some people think I’m a crybaby but I don’t really see it that way.  I see myself as venting.  Venting comes with expressing yourself.  Not everybody is happy all of the time and therefore, sometimes sad stuff is going to come out.  And sure, sometimes even I seem pathetic even to myself but the difference is I keep writing, keep trying to discover who I am and change the parts I don’t like.  I think I could only be classified as a crybaby if I did nothing to help myself out, if I didn’t try to change.  And sure, there are times when I feel like things are hopeless and I write about that because I am expressive person and I express how I feel.  If I felt any happiness, I would express that as well.  It just so happens that at this point in my afterlife, things aren’t too happy.

It’s just kind of frustrating because I feel like people make these comments and judge me based on such a small portion of information.  They don’t know my history or background and yet they feel they are informed enough to call me out as a complainer or pathetic and maybe they are right but they shouldn't make such assumptions based on one or two pieces of writing.  And even more than that, maybe they should try to understand why I feel the way I do before dismissing me as a depressive mess. 

The truth is, life sucks.  It’s hard and unfair and complaining is one of the many ways in which humans cope.  Complaining is helpful.  In fact, if I didn't have writing as a way of expressing my feelings, as a way of purging all the pain and madness inside me, I would probably have gone "carnival freak" crazy a long time ago.  If I didn't have writing, I would have gone postal at a post office or playground (disclaimer: I'm just kidding.  I won't even kill a spider, much less a snot-nosed four-year-old in a chocolate milk stained Dora the Explorer shirt).  Everyone complains.  Complaining is healthy.  People just do it in different ways.  Some people are fuming and some people are funny.  As for me, my writing can be dark and depressing at times while other people choose to go the humorous route, turning their everyday disasters into side-splitting monologues.  But the sentiment is all the same: dissatisfaction.  Comedy is complaining as well, just a type of complaining that makes you snicker instead of slit your wrists.

Perhaps there’s a fine line between venting and whining and I think that line is subjective.  What some people see as a deeply introspective look at one’s self, someone else will see as weakness or whining.  And here's where I will admit that I probably cross that fine line and quite often.  But that doesn't mean that my complaining encompasses my entire existence.  It's not as if I walk around with a thunderstorm over my head.  In fact, in real life, I'm quite pleasant.  Darn it, I'm even funny sometimes.  And I think that's what gets me the most.  The ones who don't know me in real life only get a glimpse of who I am.  I am a multi-faceted person.  Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry and mostly I'm just weird (in a good way) and so when people just write me off as a Danny Downer, it's kind of disappointing to me.  Writing just happens to be my medium for expression and if I come across as being pathetic, then I guess I can't help that.

It's almost like I'm speaking a foreign language or talking in code.  I write for myself but I also write to connect with other people.  Although my state of being can feel lonely at times, I know that I am not alone in how I think and feel and I know that other people who are going through this are not alone, either, even if they feel like they are.  And I'm here to say, "Hey, emo kid, I'm right there with you!"  But it's hard to make that connection when people don't get it.  Maybe that's my fault.  Maybe my writing isn't clear or concise enough.  But, I do what I can.  And this is the only way I know how at the moment.  I mean, I can only do so much within my capacity for clarity.  We are dealing with complex human emotions after all.  It's not as simple as "I'm sad today" or "today was a good day."  It's confusing.  It's frustrating.  And some people just don't understand.  But as long as some people do, that's okay with me.
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