Distractions

"I only make jokes to distract myself
from the truth..."
-Sia, Distractions

You'll often find me distracted.  Physically, all the teeth and fat is accounted for but my mind has long since melted away.  I am not with you.  I did not hear what you just said.  I take nothing in but the swelling emptiness.  The brain is capable of only so much information.  Mine is filled to capacity with clutter.  There is the worry and the fear and the shame.  There is no room for creativity or connection.  I cannot be interested in anyone else because my mind is too far away to take in anything that was said or shown.  People talk to me.  At work, my manager gives me instructions.  And I stand there and I hear what acquaintances, family and coworkers say but it doesn't absorb.  I don't understand it.  I don't follow it.  And sometimes I just don't realize they've said anything at all. 

This is why I've gotten dumber over the years.  I've never had common sense but I was sort of book smart.  After I was done with school, the book smarts went away while the common sense continued to deteriorate.  As far as learning and growing as a person?  Well, that has regressed as well.  

I think this is why I've gotten dumber over the years.  I've been unable to absorb any new information and the old has been pushed aside by the all enveloping dark.  When I tried to go back to school, I was honestly fearful of the material.  I hadn't had to use that part of my brain in years and I was worried I wouldn't be able to understand what was being taught.  When I went back to my old job, I was worried I wouldn't pick up on anything.  Although I had been there before, they had introduced new policies, as well as new registers.  It didn't take very long for me to get back into the swing of things but it took longer than it should have.  And that worried me, disturbed me more than it should have.

I'll admit that I'm drowning in my own misery.  I'm that guy, the one who wallows in his own pain, the one who feels sorry for himself.  And how can I not?  I think sadness comes in the form of walls, planted in between where you are and where you want to be, who you want to be.  And I'm confronted with walls every day.  When I walk into my job, I'm walking into a wall.  When I talk to people, I'm talking to a wall.  When I look in the mirror, I'm looking at a wall.  These walls keep me from hearing everyone else.  These walls keep me from feeling anyone else.  It's all around me, inescapable, so naturally that's all I'll see, that's all I can focus on.  Even when I try to break down the walls, it only leads to another wall.  And at times I think I can see pinpricks of light shining through the cracks in the walls, a shining swelling that gives me small hopes for something better.  Yet, it feels like a thousand miles away.  There's walls to climb and distance to tread.  And there's just no guarantee that it's worth it in the end.  But, everyone's quick to say that happiness is worth that risk.  Is it, really?  What about the bitter disappointment when we realize that happiness is not at the end of the journey, that the steps we took, the rules we followed to get to that happiness only led to a dead end?  Another wall.

I am so inside my head, always distracted to get myself out of my situation.  I can't think about work while I'm at work because if I do, I'll blow up at someone.  I can't think about home.  I can't sit too long with too much quiet or the walls close in.  That's why I've been watching so many television shows and reading so many books.  That's why I always have the television on or music playing while I drive.  Distractions.  Glittery diversions that keep my simple mind occupied so I don't think about the bad stuff.  Instead, I try to think about the good.  I think about stories I want to write or the good future I'll have when the stories are written, published and sold.  I think about creating my own cartoon series, very underground, very gritty and homemade but with a story that forgives any flaws in technical shortcomings.  And I wonder how that might lead into other directions, how maybe one day someone will see me and recognize potential and take me away from all of this.  I just think I have to keep putting myself out there, have to keep trying.  If I'm not trying, I'm sinking, swallowed, overwhelmed.

I think about leaving everything.  When I get enough money, I'm out of here I say to myself.  Running away just like I did with college.  But, look how college turned out.  It very well killed me.  Maybe it'll be better next time.  I'll have the control.  I'll choose who I surround myself with, who I'll invite into my realm of existence.  I always think about reinventing myself.  I've been thinking about it for years now.  I always say I'll go away and come back better, thinner, more talented.  But, how does that happen?  Is there a way to get away from the world, if only for a while, to get myself reorganized and in touch with myself and my creativity?  Is there any way to boost creativity?  I always imagine starting over, realizing that I keep making messes of my lives, that I messed up high school, college and now times after college.  How do I stop messing up?  What is so wrong with me that I destroy opportunity, pilfer possibility and ignore chance after chance? 

Concrete goals have now turned into abstract dreams.  The objectives I've laid out for myself have turned from realistic  achievements to idealistic fantasies.  Happiness is no longer true or tangible.  It is still a hope, yes, but not an ambition.  Most people strive toward happiness in their lives and most know it to be attainable and some do manage to achieve it.  For me, I place happiness in the more childlike fantasies, like flying or becoming an astronaut.  The truth is, I'm withering, truly, honestly withering.  I'm trying to keep my mind off of it.  But I don't know how much longer it will last.