Not for Me

The other day, I geeked out because I found some animation software online for super cheap.  I was getting ready to sell my blood, sperm and a kidney to be able to pay for everything I would need to start animating again.  I'm talking thousands of dollars here.  So, when I found this software for a couple of hundred dollars, I made a sperm deposit right then and there.  The website looked pretty legitimate but I tried not to get too excited.  I Facebooked my roommates from college and asked if they thought it sounded like the real deal.  They know more about that stuff than I do.  If it was legit, that would have helped me out so much.  I'm already spending so much on a Cintiq, saving up all these months to be able to purchase one and it would feel deflating to have to then start all the way over to get some programs so I can actually use the Cintiq.

Because I haven't animated in over a year, I'm basically going to have to start from scratch, which I don't mind so much.  Obviously, I won't be putting together any good material and getting a real job any time soon but at least I can get back into the swing of things and hopefully improve over the little bit of material I do have.  It feels so weird.  Not only have I not animated anything in a year but I haven't even drawn a picture in a year.  I've never got that long without drawing.  I think I was just so burned out after school and needed a break.  Plus, I wanted to "focus" on my writing.  I'm always worried that the cliche about losing it if not using it is actually true.  Heck, I worried about losing it even while I was using it.  It's also weird because I had an acquaintance from high school ask me to help her out with an art project and I had to delicately decline her offer.  I told her I had temporarily retired from art.  In actuality, I was so rusty I was worried I wouldn't do a good job and she'd be disappointed in my work.  I just hope that I can get back into art and become confident enough to take on offers from people.  It would be great if I could supplement my menial income.

Couple of days later, I heard back from my roommates.  Turns out, the cheap animation software I discovered is sketchy.  I'm not sure it's a total rip off but it's not an authorized reseller and they only send discs and an activation key.  There's no support or help if things go wonky.  I'm not entirely surprised but I am still a little deflated.  It's okay, though, because I'm just going to keep working and saving up and I'll feel better knowing I obtained the stuff through legitimate means and I can feel good about getting any kind of support in case things mess up.

With that being said, I tried to order the Cintiq last week.  It's back ordered.  I also tried to order a nice desk to draw/write on but it too was back ordered.  Both won't be available for several weeks.  If it's not a lack of money getting in my way, it's a lack of availability.  When will I catch a break?

I've been doing a lot of stuff.  I've been watching DVDs, reading and working on my book.  I'm keeping myself busy.  It's a good thing because I'm still struggling with everything, with finances and feelings and I'm always so exhausted because it takes every ounce of strength I have just to make it through the day.  I keep reaching for goals, keep thinking ahead not only to avoid thinking about the present but also so I have something to look forward to, something to give me the strength to make it through hard days.  I have a vision of what I'd like to happen, how I'd like things to work out and I'm depending entirely on myself to make it happen.  This is dangerous.  If it doesn't work out, I'll only be reinforcing the hatred I have for myself.  If it does work, then hopefully it will lift me out of my darkness, even if slightly.

You know, I never really did figure out if I was alive or not.  I sort of just let it hang there, a non existent answer to a baffling dilemma.  But I know I'm not living.  I know there's no life within me.  If there's death, I don't know.  But there's no light, no love and nothing holding me back from the brink of breaking.  It's a tad worrisome.  So, I just don't think about it.  I'm just trying to think about the next paycheck, the next week, the next month ahead when I'll hopefully have all my stuff together so I can start drawing and animating and creating new worlds with lines and colors and my hands, a world I can escape into where I can say I have control.  'Cause I realized a long time ago that this world is not for me.  I'm just afraid my creativity is just as broken as I am.

I pray that I'm mistaken, that I at least have that left.

I feel a bit weird doing this but I'm going to put a donate button on the right side of my page.  I don't expect anything from anyone.  Times are still tough and people can't just be handing their hard-earned money on jerks like me.  But, if anyone feels like donating a little something something, that would be fantastic.  Who knows, maybe a billionaire will stumble across my blog, see that I'm struggling, and drop a several hundred thousand dollars to help a brother out.  Oprah?  Oprah?