I Can't Get No Satisfaction

I'm feeling so uncomfortable right now.

My new desk came in yesterday.  I spent all day today cleaning out my armoire and removing it so I could set up the desk.  I had to take out my gigante television and replaced it with my flat screen that I purchased for college.  I was trying to save room but it really just make me nervous because I like my old huge television and I don't like the flat screen one as much.  And just to round out the transitions, I got rid of my small chair and upgraded to a bigger chair.

And then the grand finale:  I set up my Cintiq.  I was so scared I would crack it or drop it or something but I managed to set it up just fine.  Then, I powered up my dinosaur Windows computer because I wanted to at least play with the Cintiq although I didn't have any programs.  There's a neat free animation program called Pencil that I dabbled with on my laptop but I thought I'd be able to get more use out of it now that I could draw directly on the screen, even if it was still just practice.

I had to install the Cintiq in two stages:  setting it up as a display and then setting it up as a pen tablet.  It was pretty nerve wracking because I was worried I would screw something up, damage a driver or just have the whole production not even work.  But, turns out, it works just fine.  I've drawn on it a little bit.  I'm hesitant to get too into it, though, because I don't want to scratch the screen with my pen.  I accidentally scratched the face of one of my characters from my senior film into one of the CIntiqs at college.  At least I left an impression there, eh?  So, I just don't want to do that to mine.  The screen is so beautiful and perfect and I don't want to ruin it.  Gosh, what a lovely piece of machinery.  I don't think it is two grand lovely but lovely nonetheless.

But here's where the discomfort comes in.

I hate hate hate change.  Many old readers of mine should know that by now.  I mean I really detest change.  I set up these routines so I can handle them emotionally, which creates a comfort zone.  When things change, it shatters that comfort zone and I feel like I'm going to break out in hives.  This is one of those times.  Everything looks so different and I don't like it.  I know it will take some time to get used to everything but I don't want to.  I have too much going on in my head without having to make room for a change of furniture.

I guess I just thought I'd be happier than this.

Of course, like I said, a part of it is getting used to everything.  The other part is I'm terrified to touch my Cintiq because I don't want to ruin it.  It was so expensive so I want to make that baby last my lifetime (I'm guessing three more years, maximum).  And I don't have the programs I need and the computer is kind of slow which does not help when it comes to fast-paced animating.  Waiting around for a laggy computer to catch up with your work kind of ruins the flow.

But the paranoia shoots up and I wonder if anything will make me happy.  I guess that's weird to say.  I never expected receiving the Cintiq would make me happy.  I figured I'd be happy once I started producing some good work and people responded well to it.  And the Cintiq is the vehicle to get me there.  The thing itself won't bring it.  I suppose I just though I'd be more psyched about it but I'm really just leaning on indifference.

Will anything excite me?

I'm still not so hard at work on my book.  I've written 12871 words, which is a couple of thousand more than my latest piece of fiction so I'm definitely stepping into uncharted territory here.  I feel short stories and novels are entirely two different beasts and I'm hopeful, yet terrified about writing this thing.  It could be great or could be a turd and anyone who knows anything about National Novel Writing Month will say it probably will be a turd.  But that takes the pressure off because it's really just about writing.  Unfortunately, I'm about a good 12,000 words behind already.  I'm not sure I'll be able to finish the novel on time, especially since I'm writing this entry instead of working on my book and I've been rearranging my room all day instead of working on my book and now I feel too exhausted to work on my book and I have to work for the next six days in a row and after I'm done with my shifts at work, I'm not so much in the mood to write as I am to run my car off a bridge.

But even if I don't finish on time, I'm sure I'll be close and I'll have written more in one novel than all my short stories combined so I guess that's commendable enough.