dismantle

I didn't even realize how long I was gone...

I have been numbing myself with sleep and food and television and books.  I have some huge problems in my life and I have simply ignored them in favor of garbage.  Food garbage, television garbage and sleep steeped in bizarre, unsettling dreams.

I hate my job more and more and people more and more and myself more and more.  I honestly don't know how much longer I can do this.

I am trying to tell you that I am horrible and I don't think I've fully convinced anyone.

But, you don't really know me.  You know what you read and you get my side of the story but there is so much rage and hatred inside of me that you would probably puke if you only knew half the truth.

So, from this point on I will dismantle the good guy image I have built up for myself for the majority of my life.  That's not me anymore.  I don't think it was ever me at all.  I am falling away from myself and discovering something darker.

Nothing makes sense anymore:  God and gluttony.  Food and family.  Sex and death.  Flesh and flowers.  Love.  I will take these topics and pick them apart until I am satisfied that I have sufficiently resolved my hesitation and confusion with them and I will hopefully find some semblance of peace with my conclusions.  Or I'll only find more madness.

Either way, I'll be working toward something, which is more than I can say for myself lately.