retail results

I've been freaking out for quite some time over whether or not I should take the promotion at work.  As if my current craziness wasn't exhausting enough, I had to deepen my indecisiveness by pitting the pros and cons up against each other as if my very soul rested upon the results.  I just wasn't sure.  Yes, there seemed like some good aspects to the new position, like more money, less work, more hours.  There were also a few bad things, like more responsibility, answering to the store manager and more hours.  Yeah, I know, more hours should just be a good thing but seeing as how I hate working there, the less hours I have, the better.  Plus, I need to free up as much time as I can so I can "work" on my writing and animating.  And, thinking of the future, having a supervisor position would look good on my resume.  Of course, the more money part was the best part.  Yet, I was still hesitant.

As far as I knew, there were only three applicants: me, another associate well suited for the position and another who is barely suitable for existence.  So, it was really just me and the other girl.  And honestly, I was pretty sure I was more capable than she was.  Not bragging, just keeping it one hundred.  So, it was really just me and her.  But, really, I thought it was just going to be me.  I had almost hoped he'd give the job to her just so I wouldn't have to make the agonizing decision of accepting or declining.  It would be out of my hands and I wouldn't have to worry about being wrong or right, about screwing up my life even more.  At the same time, I knew whatever was going to happen, I'd be pretty disappointed.  If I didn't get it, I'd be stuck with less pay and more work.  If I did, then I might hate it.

So, I asked for a sign, some definitive answer to let me know if I should take the job or not.  Did I want this?  Could I handle this?  Would this turn into another barback catastrophe?  And I didn't want some puny sign, something that could be written off as a minor coincidence or something I could explain away easily.  It's almost like when you're looking for something, you'll find it.  You'll notice the smallest, stupidest thing and twist it to relate to your situation.  I didn't want that.  I didn't need any more hesitation.  I didn't need to be indecisive about a sign to help me with my indecisiveness!  I needed a clear yes or no, not a wishy-washy eh.

The next morning, I went to work like usual, only to come upon a bevy of police cars parked along the road of my work location.  They were blocking my usual route so I had to go the long way around to get to the parking lot.  As I passed, I noticed there was an accident of some sort.  A mangled white car was on the side of the road.  Many of my coworkers were out there looking.  At first, I thought they were just morbidly curious.  As I walked toward the building, one of the associates yelled to me that one of the ones in the crash was one of our coworkers.

Specifically, my competition.

My eyes bulged as I ran to the one yelling and asked if she was okay.  Thankfully, she was fine but shaken up.  Was this the sign I had asked for the previous night?  Was I responsible for her totaled car and frazzled faculties?  Was this my answer and if so, was it the loud and clear yes or was it possibly a resounding no?  I didn't know how to interpret these unfolding events.  Was this my competition being eliminated or was this telling me that she definitely needs this job now because her car is entirely destroyed?  As if my nerves weren't already spiked with electricity, it felt like they were being fried from the inside.

I explained this to a coworker later in the day and she assured me I shouldn't be concerned about it.  It made me feel only slightly better.  I talked myself through it for the rest of the day.  After giving it extremely careful thought, I came to a conclusion.  I knew what I wanted to do.

Right before my shift ended, the store manager called me into his office.  This was it.  He was going to tell me I got it.  I took a deep breath.  He told me after very careful consideration, he gave the job to someone else, someone I didn't even know had applied for it.  The reason?  Although she had only been there three months, she had more than ten years of retail experience overall, as opposed to my four years.  And that was that.  Although I worked my butt off there for the two years I was in college and worked twice as hard in the six months since returning, I suppose performance doesn't matter much when you can just say you've been in the game longer.  I've also been wiping my butt hole for the past twenty-something years while this lady has been wiping hers for the past fifty-something but does that really mean that she can wipe her butt better than I?  I was slightly blindsided by the surprise applicant and after I heard of my rejection, I tuned out the rest of his droning to process what he had just said.  I was calm.  I was okay.  And it was done.

And naturally, just like I had mentioned, after it all sank in, I was pretty disappointed, slightly angry.  And the more I think about the manager's reason for hiring this lady over me or the car crash girl, it irks me.  But, what can I do?  What's done is done and I'm stuck being their little peon.  He did mention that I was an asset to the company, as if it was some kind of consolation prize.  He inferred that I got "second place" for the job, so I guess he thought he'd slip that right on in there to make me feel better.

But that doesn't make me feel better at all.

Because I was going to accept.