book notes #3

I finished writing my novel last Friday night.  Because I had the day off, I dedicating it to finishing.  I will admit that I probably rushed it a little bit but that's what the second draft is for, eh?

It feels good to know I wrote a book.  It's bittersweet, though.  Anyone can write a book.  Not too many people can write a good one.  Am I one of the good ones?  I suppose time will tell.  For now, all I can do is try to make it as good as I can within my....uh, I hesitate to say...talents.  I think one of the reasons it's taken me so long to write this book and even more so, what's taken me so long to write my memoir, is because I am absolutely terrified that I suck.  It's one thing to sit back and wish that I could be a great writer and animator and overall a great artist but it's another to actually produce a work and put it out there and bomb.  It almost feels safer to wish for future admiration rather than go out and really try for it and fail.  Because what happens when I fail?  Where do I go from there?

I know I have low self-esteem and maybe I don't see how...talented (there's that icky word again) I am but in all honesty, I don't necessarily think it's my low self-esteem at work here.  I just genuinely don't think I'm great.  Maybe I'm not the worst writer in the world.  But, I'm not amazing and for me, if I'm not amazing, what's the point of even trying?  There's so much garbage in the world and just about as much mediocre work clogging up people's heads and I don't really want to add to the junk pile.  Then again, not everything has to be amazing to be influential.  Or maybe I'm just a bad judge of good art.  But art is subjective.  Can you see how complex this whole thing is for me?

I just come across random blogs sometimes and I see how so many people are so much better than me and I think to myself, "These people deserve to have a book out.  Not me."  But, I really enjoy writing.  And if I like it, why shouldn't I continue?  And if someone else likes it, why shouldn't I share it with others?  I guess it goes back to the fear of rejection.  But, people will criticize anyone.  Because art is subjective.  Not everyone is going to like the same piece.

I also hesitate to work on it too hard because I don't want to put so much of myself into the project only for it to utterly fail and cause me to never write another word again.  I know that seems extreme but so are my emotions.  It would just seem like a huge waste to dedicate so much of my time and then I won't sell but three copies.

I started printing out the novel so I could begin editing it but ran out of ink halfway through.  I thought I had an extra ink cartridge but it turns out it was color ink and not black.  It kind of irritated me because I had it all set up and everything but now I'll have to wait until I can get some more ink sometime next week.  I guess it doesn't even matter all that much since I'm going to now focus on fleshing out the characters instead of working on the actual content of the book.  Because I wrote the whole thing in a rush, I don't think I was able to make anyone three dimensional...or believable...or even likable.  That's kind of a big deal to have good, likable characters.

Then, I have to get into plot and dialogue and weave in the twist that I have at the end of the story.  Plus, my closing is kind of weak so I need to work on that.  I have a lot to do.  I'd love to post snippets of the story but because everything is so rough right now, I'd rather wait until it's a bit more polished.

It has come to my attention that I might not have even provided a basic synopsis for the story.  I really thought that I had but I guess I have not.  It's a pretty basic premise.  A guy named Chris and his girlfriend named Jenny are attending a Zombie walk when Chris is bitten by one of the attendees.  At first he and his girlfriend shrug it off as an overzealous zombie fan but then Chris starts getting sick.  As his health rapidly declines, he begins to think he was bitten by a real zombie.  And there you have it.  I didn't want to go too far over my head so I kept it simple with two main characters and their situation.  I figured since this was my first foray into novel-writing, I shouldn't include too many characters or interlocking stories because then I'd just be setting myself up for a big mess and most likely a big failure.

I just need some talent.  And motivation.  And Ritalin.