fearfully and wonderfully slayed, part 2

"Just let your faith die..."
-AFI, Sacrilege

I hear people say that unanswered prayers are still answered.  I keep thinking of that stupid footprints story.  Maybe you've seen me through all the pain and I never realized it or maybe I just made it on my own.  How will I ever know because you'll never tell me!  How can I keep the faith when there's no sign, no feeling, no subtle recognition to keep me going, to let me know I'm doing the right thing?  Am I just wasting my time? 
 
I kept praying, turned away from my sins, tried to think positive thoughts, focused on you and nothing ever changed.  I was empty on the inside and disappointed with the nothing in the sky.  Why couldn't I get a sign or a feeling of reassurance?  Why was there such a disconnect between me and you?  Was I still doing something so wrong as to keep you so far away?
 
I looked for you and only saw sadness.  I saw confusion over the course my life had taken.  I saw this little boy who sat alone, teary-eyed, wondering where the love and comfort was that was promised to him in a big book with big words and big promises if only he would believe in it all.
 
I believed in you.  But you didn't believe in me.

I put everything into college and it was the biggest financial and emotional mistake of my life, one that I will likely pay for until I die, which will probably be sooner than later.  Not only did college not work out but I barely scraped through graduation with all of my limbs.  My mind was destroyed as well as my spirit.

When I got home, I had to deal with the emotional wounds and the physical weight gain and on top of that, I had to deal with the fact that you were absent and that I had essentially died.  I had to deal with wondering why you sent such a terrible roommate to me for my first outing, my first time away from home, my first time meeting someone who I hadn't grown up with.  It felt less than coincidental.  It felt intentional.  I couldn't understand why.  Didn't you see how scared and fragile I was?  Didn't you know I'd need to ease into things?  Instead you slammed them into my frame like a wrecking ball.

I have transformed so much over the past several years.  I went from being a good-natured Christian boy to a depressed art student to a dead college graduate to a slightly revived but bitter old man and I wonder when the transformations will cease.  When will the wheel stop spinning and what personality will it land on?  Am I going to morph and mold to my feelings again and again until my skin and head have lost all shape, all focus, all binding?  Will I just one day fall apart completely?  Will I be empty forever or full of Christ's love?  Will I be thin and happy or will I stay stuck in the dirt?

God:

Me:  Are you texting? 

God:  *puts iPhone away*

Me;  Is it too much to ask for a couple of answers?  I never once asked you to climb down from your cloud throne and sit with me like you're doing now.  I didn't ask you to speak to me personally.  You didn't even have to invade my mundane dreams.  You could have simply given me a peaceful feeling or just eased my mind.  You could have instilled some calm into me.  Something.  Anything substantial.  Not something so infinitesimal so as to confuse it with coincidence or a randomly occurring act.  Y U SO OBSCURE, GOD?

Through it all and despite everything, I have kept in contact with you.  I have prayed to you and talked to you and tried to keep you close.  You don't even know how many times I wanted to give up on you.  There were even a few times when I came dreadfully close but the guilt brought me back.  There were still no concrete truths.  I couldn't completely blame you because I still wasn't completely sure it was all your doing.  I kept thinking of free will, how I might have possibly caused all the bad things to happen.  But even free will can only screw you up so much.  I never expected you to throw a million dollars my way or have me fall in love but I kind of did hope you'd at least let me be happy.

I know what you're thinking.  I've gotten this all wrong.  I'm totally out of line.  Well, correct me.  Tell me I'm wrong.  Tell me you love me.  Tell me you're actually here for me.  Please.  It's all I've ever really wanted from you in the first place.

God:  *shrugs*

Me:  No?  Nothing.  Then I guess I'll continue.

You might be thinking that you're testing me, that your stoicism even now is just another test.  How far can Brannon bend before he cracks in half?  Let's find out!  But if you have been testing me, you've been doing it for years.  Have I been passing and you've continually made things harder to see where my breaking point is?  Or have I been failing and you've repeatedly given me chances to do better?  Either way, enough is enough.  If I've passed, haven't I proven my faith in you yet?  How much more do you need?  If I've failed, then I'm weak.  But how can you blame me after everything?  What hasn't killed me has not made me stronger, only whittled down my resolve.  I've said it before but it's really easy to be a Christian when things are great but not so easy when things are terrible.  The thing is, I've been a Christian through the bad times.  I hope you haven't forgotten that.  But look where it's gotten me.  On the couch across from you, giving you what feels like my last goodbye. 

Honestly, it seems like I have the worst days when I ask you for good ones.  I specifically ask you to give me a break and that's when you crank up the crap.  That's why I feel it can't be a coincidence.  That's why I can't get behind you anymore.  I honestly feel like you're trying to hurt me.  I know that sounds like such a self-centered thing to say.  You're God.  What makes me anything significant for you to pinpoint me out of the vastness that is the landscape of time and space and pick on me?  Sounds ridiculous but that's how it feels.  What did I ever do that was so damning?  Whatever it is, I apologize.  I apologize with all of what's left of my heart.

I see you're silent as usual.  I can't say I'm completely surprised.  I didn't really expect a rebuttal.  I guess I just needed to vent in person.  But let me ease off you a bit.  I didn't want to start our (one-sided) conversation with negativity and I don't want to end it that way, either.  So I'll take some of this blame.

I was a really good kid.  I'm not bragging.  I'm proud to say that.  When others around me misbehaved and reveled in their rotten actions, I did what I was told and never put up a fight.  But that didn't mean I was perfect.  Of course I wasn't.  No one is.  Not even the best Christian around is free from sin.  But we both know that.  No one succeeds in matching your glory.  So why should I be punished for a few trivial infractions that you never expected anyone to fully follow anyway?  Doesn't make much sense.  I heard you weren't supposed to keep a record of wrongs or did I read that wrong like I've read everything else?  Is there a loophole in the scripture I haven't discovered yet?   

But, whatever.  I know I've messed up, too, and I'm sorry about that.  I really am.  I wish I could be better for you.  I wish I could give my heart to you again and again like I used to.  But, see, I give it to you and you smash it and then hand it back to me.  And I give it back again and you keep squashing it until it gets smaller and more deflated and right now, it's back in my possession and I honestly don't think there's much left for you to grind away between your palms.  I think I'd like to keep it with me for a while.

I'm sorry that I'm not glorifying you with my writing like I used to.  I'm sorry I'm not spreading "the good word" but it's hard to make you look good when I feel flattened.  I'm sorry I'm not stronger.  I'm sorry I failed your tests of faith.  I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to be.  I'm sorry for it all.  I wish I could be more but I just don't have it in me anymore.  You see, I'm tired.  I'm tired of people and myself and frankly, I'm a little tired of trying to form a bond with you.  I might be doing it wrong but it feels like it shouldn't be this hard.  I've spoken to people who have told me you give them reassurance all the time.  You send signs.  You soothe hearts.  It's like some exclusive Christian club and I've been blackballed. 

God:  *pulls out iPhone again*

Me:  Oh.  Okay.  Thank you for letting me vent?  I guess I'll go, then.

God:  *texting*