fifty shades of what women want

At the behest of my work girlfriend (who I will refer to as WG for short), I read Fifty Shades of Grey.  I didn't really want to but she kept insisting and I thought it could be something new we could discuss.  We've never talked about books before so I was looking forward to an intellectual exchange regarding fictional characters and their motivations.

But as I read, I kept pointing out problems I had with the book.  Christian Grey was too perfect, too mysterious.  Anastasia Steele was too innocent, too inexperienced.  Early on in the book, she said she didn't know why she was falling for him.

"That doesn't make any sense," I mentioned to WG.  "He's super rich.  He's super handsome.  He's graceful and just distant enough to leave her wanting more.  That's reason enough to fall in love with him.  Any girl would.  Heck,  I think I'd fall in love with him, too."

WG laughed.  "Well, he does have some physical flaws, though.  He's not perfect."

"Oh, yeah?  What?  Is his penis so large he can't find comfortable underwear?  What a tortured soul!'

She laughed again.  Ah, such a nice sound.

"So, what is so appealing about him?"

"I don't know," she said, her kohl-lined eyes wandering off to the ceiling, pondering.  "I guess I just like that he's dark."

"I'm dark," I said.  Hello, I was dead for three years.

"No you're not," she said with a smirk.  "You're just emo.  And you choose to be that way."

Ah, not such a nice sound.  She really knows how to stab a guy right in the face.

"He had a really dark childhood," she added.

"You don't know about my upbringing.  It could have been dark, too."  It wasn't.

"Not like his," she countered.

"You don't know what I've been through!"  Nothing.

I just wasn't that impressed with the book.  I'll admit I jump on literally bandwagons.  I read the Twilight series and The Hunger Games series and I always tried to enjoy the books for what they were instead of what they were hyped to be.  And they were both all right.  But this one I just couldn't seem to get into like the others.  I guess I can understand it's popularity because it's so provocative but honestly, it wasn't as filthy as I imagined, which was admittedly another reason I wanted to read it.  I wanted to see how raunchy it really got.  Maybe I'm just a sick mofo but it seemed a little tame to me.  It's possible things get more extreme in the other two books but I think the first one walked the fine line between kinky sex and all out smut, just enough to titillate and not alienate, which is why it worked so well.  So I give her props for that but the writing is pretty amateur.

Ana uses way too many phrases like Oh crap, double crap, and triple crap.  She's also always flushed and blushing.  At least every other page she's blushing and flushing and with all that blood going to her face, you'd wonder how she got any to her vagina.  People on the street probably thought she had a nasty case of Rosacea.  She also says delicious way too much and Christian is constantly scolding her for biting her lip and I wonder if she has a chapped mouth all the time.  Between her chewed up lips and the red face, she's probably looks like she's running around with a constant cold.   I mean, do people even really bite their lip that much?  I know people say Kristen Stewart does it a lot in the Twilight movies and as we all know, the books were inspired by the Twilight books.  I think they were also inspired by the films as well because  Christian runs his fingers through his hair, much like Robert Pattinson does.  The author seemed to have gathered the actors' ticks and put them in her books.

I also have a problem with how Ana is so easily turned on by all the kink.  Everything Christian does is hot.  His feet are hot.  His stubble is hot.  The way he wears his pajama bottoms are hot.  At one point, she uses his toothbrush and thinks it's hot!  To me, that's pretty gross.  Yes, I know, I understand, they French kiss and have sex and swap bodily fluids on the regular but...a toothbrush is a cleaning device, something you use to remove food and grime from your teeth.  It's not the same as swapping spit.  You're swapping tarter.  How is that hot?  I was waiting for her to dig through his trash and take the cotton swabs he used to clean his ears and slide them up her snatch.

How convenient that she's magically turned on by leather whips and balls inserted into her cooter.  I wonder if she really likes it or if it's just because she doesn't know any other way of having sex, since she was a virgin when she met him.  Can someone really be so sexy and sexual that everything they do is a turn on?  Am I just so in the dark about sexuality that I don't know these things?  I mean, if he farted was she gonna stick her nose in his butthole and inhale?

I talked to WG about this and she shared with me that your first sexual experiences do influence your future inclinations.  At least, that was the way it was for her.  It makes sense.  I do suppose your first sexual partner can shape your sexuality but that seems most likely in regards to "vanilla" sex, as Christian likes to call anything that doesn't involve a ball gag.  But what happens when you do introduce a ball gag?  When you get your novice partner involved with sexual acts that deviate from "vanilla", does that also influence future deviations with other partners?  If Ana hadn't ended up with Christian in the end, would she have desired such submission with other lovers?  

And can we talked about how she lost her virginity?  If I remember correctly, he just plunged into her like a he was throwing a javelin and I'm pretty sure that's not how it's supposed to work.

And she cimaxes like crazy!  From what I've heard and read and discussed with female acquaintances, including WG, it's not as easy as it's portrayed in the book.  Girls don't just climax so easily.  Well, some do, some don't.  But mostly, it takes some work.  Ladies, I'd love to get your opinion on this!  Also, the sex scenes did nothing for me.  Most of them felt like quickies than actual articulate sessions of full bodied sex, from foreplay to penetration to the eventual release and afterglow.  It was more like wham, bam (literally), and thank you ma'am.

I was also creeped out by how immature Ana sounded with her oh craps and such talk.  She's 22 so I'm not criticizing the immaturity, just pointing it out.  She's kind of childish and with that being said, Christian calls her baby a lot and spanks her like a baby and the whole thing felt really creepy.  I wasn't turned on by reading these sex scenes but felt uncomfortable like it was slightly statutory, ya know what I'm saying?  Fifty shades of Peder-ass, much?

I just feel like people such as Christian (and Edward from Twilight) set up this impossible ideal for girls and women.  Guys just aren't that perfect.  They don't glow and make you orgasm with the slightest touch.  We all have imperfections other than a few (hardly noticeable) scars on our chests.

Christian is rich and semi-famous and a total stud muffin but he's got a messed up past.  That makes him less than perfect, right?  WRONG.  It makes him more perfect for women because there's an aspect to him that is fractured, something women can gravitate toward because women love to fix men.  His past and issues stemming from such a past is like a wet dream for females.  His imperfections make him more attainable.  His jagged emotional scars act like an invisible line that ground him to Earth, keep him from touching heaven where he belongs, thus allowing mere mortals to interact with him, touch him, love him, fix him.  Oh, women, you're so silly.

I don't mean to be critical of this book.  As an aspiring author, I know it's not easy to write a book.  I say God bless for her being able to get her writing out there and for being able to touch (pun intended) so many lives.  But for me, personally, it just didn't do much.  Of course, I don't begrudge her any of her success or wealth.  She did what she wanted to do and made a ton of dough off of it so can you really hate on her?  Not everyone is going to be impressed with everyone's writing style.  If it works for some people, then she's done her job. 

I don't know the details but did she ever really intend to publish these books?  I know she posted them online and they kind of took off from there but if she never expected all this publicity over her stories, then can you really blame her if they aren't perfectly written?  If she just did them for fun and they exploded, then that's great.  If only we could all be so fortunate.

I couldn't help but to keep thinking about what WG said about me choosing to be emo.  Somehow, my darkness wasn't as enticing as Christian's and I wondered why.  Or did it have more to do with the package instead of the contents?  Isn't that just the way it goes?

I spoke to another coworker who had also read the book (and loved it) and brought my quandary up with her.

"I don't get it," I said.  "I get why women are so into Christian.  He's dark.  He's damaged.  And he's a challenge.  But, I'm challenging, too, without trying at it.  Girls always say they want the good guys but gravitate toward the bad.  I'm good and bad!  And even some bad guys aren't good enough for them.  Where do I fit in the mix?"

She must have sensed the confusion/desperation in my eyes because she leaned in, the line of her cleavage stretching for miles, and looked at me with all sincerity and said, "Honey.  Here's the secret."

I leaned in, my eyes expanded.  Here it was, what I've been searching for years: the answer to what women really want.  And from a woman.  Straight from the source.

"Women don't know what they want."

Oh.

We both leaned back as I took in the information.  It was simple, really.

"Wow," I said.  "That was probably one of the most honest, succinct answers I've been given."

She smiled and nodded and walked away.

Maybe WG sees me as something of an anomaly.  We get along really well but maybe she only sees me as a friend or maybe she would like me more if I were more attractive (or of she didn't already have a boyfriend).  Where did I belong in the realm of her desires?  Was I just a friend she reached out to for a good laugh?  Was I a penis placeholder, a guy she turned to when her boyfriend was away at work, then placed on the side when he came back around?  How did she really feel about me?  And why was I so interested in knowing?  What did it matter to me?  Nothing would come of it, no matter how hard I desired it or how hard I tried to make it happen.  It just wouldn't.

I never even intended to get so deep into it.  I've exhausted my musings regarding love and relationships and I had gotten to a point where I didn't understand human connection and I accepted it and tried to move along but her offhand comment about being emo really shook me.  Is that really how she sees me?  Do I seem pathetic to her?  I keep getting these mixed signals and as much as I'd like to figure out what it all means, what she means, what she means to me, it's too much of a hassle and I don't know if it's worth pursuing, if she's worth pursuing.  Stupid books.  Stupid girls.  Stupid hearts.