Post-mortem Misery

“the fire came and went
took everything away
the bruises never heal
i tried to take a breath
to say what wasn’t said
but there is nothing left of me, no
there is nothing left
i wanna believe in someone
i wanna believe in something
i wanna believe that i can love again…”
-Innerpartysystem

I don’t think I can possible adequately articulate how dead I am.  I think a part of that is because I cannot clearly define the moment when my heart stopped beating, when I turned from this naïve, innocent child into the insignificant undead.  There’s not one defining moment where I can stop the tape and say, “Yes!  This is what happened and where it happened and how it happened.  This is where I died and I am justifiably angry about it.  Can’t you see that I have every right to be angry, to be hurt and bruised?”  Maybe it would have been easier if I had been shot or stabbed, if someone else was to blame for my bloodied body but I think that is a part of the problem.  Either I killed myself or simply gave up, allowed my heart to stop beating, to succumb to this weary world.  Is it possible that I could have jumped from that sixth story balcony instead of simply writing about it?  Could I have overdosed on those anti-depressants the girl two doors down from me sneaked into my room one night after I had sobbed in her car?  It’s a hard option to think about, that I could have done this to myself, that I could be responsible for my own walking death, my own version of hell.  No, it’s easier to blame everyone else, to defend my actions because it’s humiliating to be wrong, to make the wrong choice.  I always hated looking stupid.  And I don’t like to think of myself as being weak but apparently I am.  If I could jump ship so easily over something that so many other people would just brush off, what does that say about my character? 

Maybe I’m just a fragile individual.  Is there anything wrong with that?  Is it a character flaw or is it just a natural and differentiating characteristic?  Is it a weakness or is it something that I have allowed to weaken me?  I suppose I’ve never had a reason to be tough and when I had the chance to develop a thicker skin, I allowed that chance to kill me instead.  Hm, what an epiphany.  This certainly doesn’t help my self-esteem. 

It’s as if I’m walking on electric wires sometimes and every once in a while, one of them will dance around like a charmed snake and strike me and the jolt will make my heart beat for just a second.  And in that flash of pain and light, I see God and good people and it kills me one more time when it all disappears again.  I have these days, these moments when I feel like I’m almost alive again or at least feel the yearning to want to be alive.  I think if I can just beat myself in the chest hard enough, if I can grab hold of one of those wires and keep it close to my heart, it will resume its rhythmic throbbing again, that I’ll somehow find my breath and my lungs will expand and my flesh will close up and I will be alive again, that I will be the boy I once knew, that I will not be disgusted with myself anymore.

But those moments are just like those flashes of electricity, few and far between and lasting only in seconds.  Something always comes along to remind me of my madness.  People and their obnoxious behaviors always send me spiraling back into my misery.  I can say for sure that if no one particular person did me in, a whole lot of individuals at least helped me get to the point of saturation.  Well, I say that but it goes back to blaming other people for my problems.  Yes, people suck but that’s just the way it is.  It’s not like anyone in particular had it out for me.  If one person determined my demise, my anger could be justified but in reality, I just ran into real people, people who were flawed and frustrated like I am.  I suppose I can’t blame other people for being imperfect and I can’t blame them for how they project their imperfections.  I was merely a casualty, caught in the crossfire of cussing and crushed dreams.   

It almost seems too easy to have those flashes of life that sometimes circulate through me.  As down as I feel I am, as far deep in the hole as I feel, how is it possible that I can get glimpses of the light?  Is it possible that I’m not as destroyed as I have led myself to believe or am I simply kidding myself by thinking I’ll ever find humanity again?  It seemed like I found myself a corpse overnight and only a few short months later I’m ready to be resuscitated again.  How does that happen?  Shouldn’t death seem a little bit more permanent or does death itself have an expiration date?  Maybe I’m just mistaken, just feeling residual spasms of life?  I guess it just seems hopeless sometimes, to have fallen so far down and to suddenly feel like life is a distant yet distinct actuality.  It really only leads to more confusion.  What am I?  How can I find my way back to where I was when I don’t know where I am now? Am I in some kind of bi-polar purgatory?  Is hell on the horizon or is this hell, this constant back and forth of frustration and frenzy?  If hell is the slow and steadfast dissimilation of the brain, then I am there, roasting in my own regrets.  Or maybe I’m just mistaken.  Am I really dead at all or did I just put myself into some kind of self-induced coma to cope with my ever-decreasing grasp on reality?

I'm just asleep.  Or crazy.  Or dead.  Or all of the above.

It's as if I'm fighting myself, struggling with whether or not I should give in to this..condition I find myself in or if I should rail against it, to try to break free of these bonds, to fight for breath.  But, if I do, who's to say I won't end up right back here in this stain of existence?  Will whatever killed me the first time around come back for seconds?  I think before I can attempt to come alive again, I have to find out what I've become or what has been revealed of me.  Was that innocence all an act?  Maybe I have not been transformed, just uncovered.  That is a massively scary thought to digest.  I hope to God it's not true, that I wasn't damned from the start.  If I was changed, there's always the possibility of some sort of reversal but if I was always this way, if this is just who I am, there's no turning back.  But when I look at my future and all I see is inky black, I want to turn around, want to sprint from the spotty darkness that draws me in.

I'm at a loss.      

Grasping for Shore

"and in my best behavior
i am really just like him
look beneath the floor boards
for the secrets i have hid..."
 -Surfjan Stevens

I am absolutely terrified of change.  I’m worried that the change will always be worse than the current so I never want things to change.  I’m the type of person who digs a rut and then revels in it.  I guess I can find some semblance of comfort from  forming a routine, even if that routine is not ideal.  I am excellent at making things far worse while trying to fix them so I mostly don’t bother to try to make things better.  Yet, life changes.  It’s liquid and constantly rushing.  And here I am, caught in the wandering waves, fighting against the current but I’m just not strong enough.  I always have to give in and adapt because I have no other choice.  I’m hopeless against external changes and I’m starting to realize I can’t even help the changes that are rushing forth from within.

I remember change was a big deal in high school and became an even bigger deal after graduation.  Everyone was always talking about how other people were changing, how they went from good Christian kids to hard partying sex and drug addicts.  And I always vowed that I wouldn’t change like that.  I’d hold onto my morals, I’d be the same quiet yet loveable Bran that everyone knew in high school.  I would not succumb to the world.  I failed.  I think my first mistake was not wanting to change at all.  I guess I never realized back then that I should want to change for the better, to improve myself with each passing moment.  And while on the outside, I might seem basically unchanged since graduation, I am a whole new person entirely on the inside.  I’ve lost my morals, my trust, my faith.  I’ve realized that I am no better than a monster. 

I’m still dealing with change, still struggling with whether or not I should remain who I am or try to fix myself.  Am I even fixable?  As I said before, I usually end up screwing things up even worse when I try to make things right.  Before my heart hemorrhaged, I was on a mission to be the best I could be.  I was all about self-improvement, about love, about finding out who I am and working with myself to be the best I could be.  It’s funny because for a while there, maybe a week or two, I really felt like I was on the cusp of actually…accepting  myself.  I started to realize that I will never be strikingly handsome or exponentially talented or even that awesome of a person but I was beginning to accept that.  That was one thing in my ever-evolving life that would not change and I found peace with that.  Believe me, it wasn’t a sad moment.  As soon as I realize I couldn’t reach some unattainable goal, it gave me new focus, the motivation to just work with what I was given, not to be better than I am but to be the best I could be within my scope of ability.  And just as I was beginning to grasp onto that realization, it all fell away, crumbled underneath me like a fickle foundation.

As much as I tried not to, I did change after graduation and not for the better.  I’ve become someone unrecognizable to myself.  I’ve become bitter and bored with everything.  There is no joy, no happiness that I can find.  I cannot find it in art or music, even in movies or eating.  It is literally as if I have no heart at all, nothing to swell with happiness or break with despair.  There is no overwhelming joy or crippling pain, just nothing.  There is only an emptiness, an element of blank that carries me through consciousness.  It’s as if there is something that should be there, something that every person has, an essential piece of equipment that defines a human.  That, I am missing, as if it simply necrotized and fell away in those waves of change, lost in the salt water that I cannot even conjure up from the corners of my eyes.  I am not stimulated in either direction enough to elicit a response, whether it be tears or laughter.  I am simply dormant.

I still think about that nasty note I got, the one where the lady said I was bitter, judgmental and preachy.  I know it seems silly to dwell on one stranger’s uneducated judgment of me but I think the part that bothers me is that she is probably more right than I would want to believe.  I was offended.  I'm not like that at all!  Oh, wait, I think maybe I am.  It is yet another example of a change that I do not want to accept.  A simple stranger swoops in and tells me what my former friends cannot see, what I’ve either remained cleverly hidden or what they do not want to accept, that I have become something horrible.  It is something that has been brewing for the longest of time, another change that I have fought, a transition that I have tried to reject.  Yet, it’s too strong within me and I feel that it’s coming out in small ways, manifesting itself in my perceptions and behaviors, in the way I think and act and see the world.  It is a virus, a slow boiling poison that’s working its way within me and I can’t stop it.  I see it in my writing, looking back over past pieces, I can feel the ugliness in my words, a slight mean streak that I write off as sarcasm or black humor.  It’s there and it’s coming out in my words and in my actions.  I don’t know what the cure is because I’ve tested everything I could, from writing to religion and nothing has eased that emptiness.

I’m conflicted.  Sometimes I want to give up, to just let the waves wash over me and drown, to let the water soak my skin to the point of sloughing it all away, to simply disintegrate into the liquid.  And there’s another part of me that want to keep fighting, to swim as hard as I can in the direction of the shore, to crawl onto something solid, to rejoice in the stagnant sand and find some semblance of stillness.  Yet, I fear even that won’t last long enough.  Eventually the water will find me and wash me away again and again. 

I kind of think I’m destroying myself.

Black Friday? More Like Whack Friday!

No Phase 2 Friday article today.  Besides the special radio show, everyone had the week off.  Although I'm the new kid sitting at the lunch table, everyone at the site has been working hard on it for months now so they all took a well deserved break and I just happen to benefit from it!  I could write all day every day if I was allowed but it's all good.

With that being said, I debated long and hard on whether I should do a special "Thanksgiving" post.  I finally decided against it for several reasons.  First of all, I felt kind of icky about doing something that everyone else was doing.  It almost cheapens it, knowing that I'm just kind of following everyone else's lead and throwing in my thanks that will just get lost in the millions of other thanks that will be coming out at the same moment.  Now, let me say that I have nothing wrong with other people doing it.  Your thanks are made no less significant than anyone else's.  I'm not trying to act superior and say that I don't want to belong to "that crowd" or anything like that.  Just remember that I'm a basket case and my reasoning behind anything that I do or do not do is always gonna be jacked up.  It's hard to explain.

Secondly, I think I've adequately described my gratitude and expressed my good fortune over the past several posts of mine.  I'd just be going over already marked territory.  I hate to be cliche but shouldn't we give thanks every day?  But, hey, it's cool that people at least take one day out to be reminded of how good they have it, or at least to acknowledge that they have it better than a lot of other people.  I feel, for me, I'm reminded quite often of how fortunate and blessed I am.  Especially with my bad attitude.  I can't seem to be too bitter for too long because I always end up feeling guilty.  How can I be upset about having a crappy job when some people have no job at all?  How can I gripe about running out of food when some people have no food to run out of?  Yeah, I've covered this before.  And I will cover it again.  Just not today.

And lastly, I think I was at my least appreciative yesterday than I usually am on any other given day.  Thanksgiving has become a shadow of itself over the past several years and it just seems to keep getting worse.  I have to wonder if this is because I am older and my perceptions have changed or if maybe the people themselves have changed.  I guess it's a mixture of both.  Thanksgiving used to be this huge gathering at my grandmother's house.  She'd prepare a gigantic feast and by noon, almost our entire Jackson clan would be there to sit at the table, enjoy the food and each other's company.  It used to be a big deal.  But, as the years went by, people branched out and made their own families or had to work on Thanksgiving and the numbers dwindled.  People lost respect for the noon start time and started coming in around one or two or three in the afternoon, after all the food had already been covered in foil.  No one stayed for too long, just enough time to throw back some turkey and chug some beers before leaving to go pass out.  This year was the worst.  My grandmother has four sons and so you think about those four sons and their wives and their children.  That's a respectable number of people.  Well, only one of my grandmother's sons and family showed up this year and that was my dad and us.  My cousin Kristie and her children were also there.  Some random family member would stagger in here or there but we were mostly it.

It seems like our family is unraveling.  I honestly don't know most of the people that pass through my grandmother's house.  And they probably don't know much about me, either.  Everyone is popping kids out like crazy and I never see these kids so they grow up and they always look three years older although only one year has passed.  And you know how kids can be shy around strangers.  Well, that's how they act around me and my sister 'cause we are essentially strangers to them.  It's weird to have your own family cower away from you.  And it seems every year, there's more people but less teeth.  And I don't mean more people that show up.  That number always goes down.  I mean the number of new people that pass through is so much so that I can't keep track.  People bring their boyfriends or girlfriends or baby mamas or babies or mamas and then you never see them again.  Everyone is a stranger to me as well and that makes me cower.

If it weren't for my grandmother, I wouldn't even want to show up myself.  Everyone is disconnected and frankly, I don't even want to see these people in the first place.  We have nothing in common.  They are all straight up rednecks who like to spit and cuss and not brush their hair or teeth.  I can't get down with that.

Thanks for bringing down Thanksgiving for everyone, Brandork.

You're welcome.

So, of course, it's Black Friday and that means mass hysteria.  I can hear gunshots from my window as I'm typing this.  I always like to share this lovely little video on this day, to both amuse and educate the public.

Now, I think this is hilarious.  When I discovered this video about a year or two ago, I watched it repeatedly and had a good, hardy chuckle and the wig lady's expense.  I recently learned that the lady with the runaway hair was probably pregnant, which makes it slightly less hilarious but still pretty darn funny.  That might seem cruel but really, she should have known better.  When you go shopping on Black Friday, you gotta expect you're gonna bleed at some point during the day.  Also, I don't feel that bad.  She must not have been too hurt 'cause she was able to snatch that wig up right quick and situate it back on her big ol' head.  Suck it up, lady!  Better put that weave in your purse and keep going before those flat screen televisions disappear!  Plus, you don't know what was going on before that footage starting rolling.  Titch probably shanked two or three people in the parking lot just to get a good spot.

But, really, that video is just more evidence of how dumb and materialistic Americans are.  How obsessed are we over getting a good deal that we have to push and shove people to the ground just to get that Xbox?  Are we really willing to assault someone in front of us just to get to the Miley Cyrus dolls?  Come on, people!  Get it together.  It's not worth putting another human's safety at risk.  Well, Transformers are but that's besides the point!  Basically, we suck and this video confirms it.

And if that didn't tickle your funny bone, this should!  Paula Deen being hit in the face with a giant frozen ham.  Finally, the hogs have their revenge.

Don't worry, kids.  Paula's taken large pieces of meat to the face before.  She's used to it.

A Different World

Just like with my other job, I don't want to say much about this one.  If you read my article on the Phase 2 website, you'll recall my reluctance to release certain amounts of information because you just never know who's reading, listening or watching.  I hate to sound like one of those paranoid people but, you know, so far I'd really like to keep this job.  I'd rather not be fired over something as stupid as compromising my confidentiality agreement by giving away too much info.  Of course, this job is going to become a large part of my life.  I'm going to be spending most of my days/nights working so I'm bound to want to talk about it here or there but I'll try to be as general as possible.

With that being said, let me talk about how it's going so far.

I only worked Thursday and Friday and had this weekend off so it was kind of nice to ease into this new situation.  It was pretty intense because it's a new business with hundreds of employees and everyone was hired at the same time so we had this large orientation session complete with presentations and mass signings of paperwork.  I have to admit, it was also slightly boring but, you know, going over stuff like the sexual harassment policy and medical insurance isn't exactly titillating. 

It was kind of overwhelming to see everyone that I'd possibly be working with.  A vast range of races and ages and personality types.  I did notice that quite a few of the people seemed older, which I thought would be comforting at first but the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if I'd have anything in common with these people.  Then again, I just remembered that I always got along with the older people during my previous jobs so I tried not to worry about it too much.

During the presentation, I felt pretty good about where I was.  It really seemed like I was a part of something pretty big.  This new business is projected to bring in a lot of money to the city and even the state and it should help out so many people.  Not only will this business provide thousands of jobs by the time everything is completed but it should help out our schools and all that good stuff.  So, hopefully this place will be good for everyone overall.  Also, it's considered to be a very upscale and classy joint, which is pretty awesome.  It's nice to be a part of a job you can take pride in, something that you can feel good about joining.

The funny thing is, after two days, I'm still not entirely sure what my job entails.  I should find out tomorrow when I go in for job specific training.  I was told on the phone when I was offered the job that it should be pretty easy.  Of course, since it's a new business, things are always changing so maybe my job duties have changed but I do hope it's easy.  I know a lot of people are looking for challenging work, something that will stimulate their brain.  Well, for me, my brain is constantly stimulated enough.  I have so many other things going on, so many ideas that are constantly coming in and floating around in my head and at this point in my life, I don't need a job that's going to interfere with my thought process.  I say that because, while I'm very grateful for this job, this is not the last job I want to have.  This is not my goal.  This job is purely to provide the monetary means to help me continue my animation studies.  And the animation ideas and the ideas for written stories are what I want to keep lodged in my brain, not work.  When I worked at JCPenney, it was an easy job.  It was pretty mindless and I preferred it that way.  I can remember folding shirts and being struck with an idea for a poem or a line for a story.  I'd break off a strip of receipt paper, write down my ideas and then continue with my work.  I liked it because it allowed me to focus on more important things, my art and my writing, rather than concentrating solely on slacks.

That doesn't sound douchey, does it?  I'm still going to take the job seriously and do my best.  I'm not going to mess around at work.  I guess I'm just saying that it would be nice to be able to do my job while still concentrating on my main goal, which is to continue writing and eventually start animating again.  I have so many ideas that I want to keep fresh in my mind, so many new ideas that keep coming in and I don't want to lose that.

It's an hour and a half drive to and from work.  While it's not too bad at this point, I am sure that will change after I've been on my feet for eight hours at a time and I'm exhausted and I still have an hour and a half drive ahead of me.  But, I already made a decision that I would do what it took to get the job and keep the job because I really believe this job will help me move out of my parents' house and into an apartment and will allow me to get all the necessary tools I'll need to get back into the swing of animation.  Maybe that tiresome drive won't last too long.  Hopefully I'll have enough saved up soon so that I can get myself moved out.

Because the job is pretty far away, it's like dipping myself into a different world.  The drive is like a portal that I enter that sends me to a completely different realm.  This feeling is reinforced by the fact that I'm a stranger in this sea of unfamiliar faces.  I don't know anyone and no one knows me.  It's almost like I'm back in Savannah.  It's all awkward and uneasy.  It's certainly going to take time to get myself settled into this new routine.  Of course, this always happens to me.  Change always makes me apprehensive.  That doesn't mean that I won't adjust.  I always do.  It just takes time.

It's kind of weird.  I'm still trying to hold onto that "cautiously optimistic attitude" that I've been trying to adopt over the past several weeks.  I don't want to get too excited because I've learned, the hard way, that too much excitement ultimately leads to disappointment.  At the same time, I get pretty tired of being bitter and negative about everything.  I'm in the process of resorting to positive thinking but I'm doing it carefully, slowly.  I do hope that this job will be great but no job is perfect and I have to accept that there will be things that I won't like about it.  That doesn't mean I have to hate the place.  I just have to take what the job gives me and make the best of it.  That's really all I can do.

I'm scared, nervous, excited and anxious.

This could very well be a chance to come back to life.

End of the Line (2007) Review

 The End is Coming...

Karen rides a subway home only to find herself trapped onboard with a group of loonies killing off everyone in the name of God.  It seems the Apocalypse has sprung up and these religious radicals are killing people in order to save their souls before the demons come to take out the wicked.  Isn’t that nice of them?

I’m trying to change things up and watch films without knowing very much about them.  I can’t tell you how much trailers can ruin a film.  It’s an unfortunate fact these days but most movies are crap and they hire these expert trailer makers to take the best parts of a mediocre film, add some snazzy editing and make it look amazing.  This leads to disappointment when you finally see the film.  You get yourself so psyched up over the trailer that the movie can never match your uber-hyped expectations.  Not only that, but since the trailer shows the best parts, you’re essentially stepping into the movie theater and paying for the fluff exposition in between the money shots found in the trailer.  And what about movie trailers from the seventies and eighties!  I can remember watching horror movie trailers before watching the movie just to see what they’d be like and I ended up having the entire movie given to me in those two minutes.  They literally showed main characters being killed and they even sometimes showed the killer or monster being blown up or blasted to bits.  Seriously?  After having a few movies spoiled for me that way, I vowed never to watch a horror movie trailer from the past three decades.  Of course, trailer makers are much better about not spoiling major things like offing major characters or revealing the killer but they still show way too much.  Lastly, and most annoying, sometimes films completely market themselves the wrong way.  The most recent example I can think of was Jennifer’s Body.  The movie marketed it to seem like Megan Fox’s character was the main character but according to my friend (because I never saw it), she’s actually a side character and her mousy friend is the leading lass.  They also made it seem like a smart  horror comedy but my friend said it was mostly a Mean Girls type of movie with a slight horror edge.  I swear there was more but my memory escapes me once again so you can check out some more examples over here.  But, I digress.  The point is, I try to go into a film knowing as little as possible because I’ll have no expectations, won’t have anything ruined for me and I won’t be disappointed if the film turns out differently than expected.

The point of that overly long rant was just to say that I didn’t know much more than the synopsis when I went into the film and I do believed it helped me enjoy it much more.  This film is low budget but it doesn’t really look like it is.  The acting is pretty decent and so is the action.  And I’ll even admit, the first ten or so minutes was pretty suspenseful with the numerous and random “boo” scares that made me and my cat jump (he was watching with me).  Unfortunately, that suspense was dropped as soon as the meat of the film was bitten into.  That tension was replaced with fast paced action as soon as the religious nutcases revealed themselves.  That’s not to say that the action wasn’t pretty good because it was.  Given its low budget, the special effects were used sparingly and that helped the film.  When people were killed, it wasn’t some elaborate evisceration or exploding bodies from a punch to the chest.  The effects were practical, grounded and realistic. 

Characterization was pretty non-existent.  Characters were introduced at random times during the film and I was never sure if they were just set up to be killed off right away or if they were going to be with me throughout the rest of the film.  When I think about it, I suppose it works because these characters start off as strangers, placed in different spots on the subway when all the death goes down.  They are eventually brought together when they escape the subway and try to find an escape route through the murky tunnels.  We have Karen, a nurse of some kind who’s patient has just committed suicide because she believes she’s haunted by the upcoming demons from the Apocalypse.  We have Mike, a random dude who Karen meets on the subway.  We have a young and horny couple, a random buff dude who becomes the reluctant leader of the group, a punk rock Asian chick who barely escapes being raped by one of the religious nuts only to encounter him later again in the movie, two subway workers, and of course, the stars of the film, the crazy killers!  The group, consisting of men and women, young and old, is led by a creepy old lady who begins the slaughter herself by stabbing Mike in the back with a cross-shaped knife.  She receives a notification on her pager, as do the other religious cultists, telling her to “do her duty,” by killing off as many people as possible to save their souls from damnation.  Thus begins the bloodshed and the group of paper-thin characters escaping their subway seats to find safety elsewhere.

Mike survives the attack, although he’s hurt pretty badly.  Throughout the film, other characters either fall victim to the cultists or are revealed to be cult members themselves.  This does help jack up the tension a tiny bit, although it would have been better if the cult members were kept a secret longer.  Most of them are revealed within the first few minutes and they are reluctant members and not double crossing and deceptive about their association.  Although the characters are pretty one dimensional, you pretty much know, based on their stereotypical role, who is going to die and who isn’t, right?  Wrong.  I was actually surprised to see some characters bite it because their type usually makes it through.  Because I didn’t know much about nor care for any of the characters, the fact that I wasn’t worried about their fate was replaced with the fun of guessing who would live and who would die. 

As the film progresses, we learn, via a television broadcast from the reverend leader of the cult, that he was the one who paged everyone to start killing people and reveals that it’s happening everywhere, not just in the area of the subway.  This helps add some spookiness and reinforces that apocalyptic feel.  It’s a little unsettling to see how far reaching religious fanaticism can be.  Another disturbing part was putting the characters in uncomfortable and unthinkable situations, such as encountering two little boys who are members of the cult.  Of course, no one wants to kill a kid but what do you do when that kid is coming at you with a knife in his hand and blood on his brain?  There was also a scene where a man tried to pass as a cult member to escape being killed only to be told to kill his very pregnant wife in order to prove his love to God and his wife.  I don’t want to say what happens because I don’t want to ruin it but those scenes definitely pushed boundaries and I respected the way they were handled because, to me, I felt it came from a place of realism.  The way things unfolded did not feel cheap or exploitive, only shocking in a deep and realistic way.  Bravo to the director for having the balls to go there and for pulling it off with some taste.

Two thing about the end I want to mention.  First of all, the crazy old religious leader lady mentions that she and her group were trying to save as many people as possible before the dead rose up to kill off everyone else.  This got my mind to spinning about the possibilities of what I’d be seeing in a few minutes.  And while the end did showcase what happened to all the people that were killed by the cultists, I didn’t feel the film went far enough with that set up.  Of course, that could have been because of budgetary reasons but I was wanting to see something much more epic than what I got, not to say that what they did do was bad, just not what I expected.  Of course, since they didn’t go in the direction I was expecting, it definitely gave me some ideas for a story of my own so I’m a little glad it didn’t go down that way!  Finally, the last frame of the film completely turned everything upside down and I loved it.  A lot of people were upset about the vague, and in some people’s opinions, lazy ending.  I like the fact that the ending let you decide what did or did not happen.  Just by that last frame, it added a whole new depth to the film and I appreciated that.

While the movie itself wasn’t scary, except for the first few minutes, the idea behind the movie is terrifying.  While I identify with Christianity, religion scares the crap out of me sometimes.  Or maybe it’s not religion itself but religious fanatics that scare me.  Sometimes people use religion to mask their sheer insanity.  Do something crazy and then blame it on God.  Who can argue with orders from God?  When God tells you to do something, you do it.  I really like the fact that he film tapped into that whole religious craziness that some people get caught up in.  I also like the fact that the film explored both options of maybe this really was the end of the world brought on by God or maybe it was just a bunch of crazy people using God as an excuse to kill.  The film never gave a definitive answer, thanks to that genius ending, and I appreciated the fact that not one agenda wasn’t pushed.  Some may claim that was wussing out but I don’t think so.  Who has the right to say that these people were just crazy and who’s to say that they weren’t?  All in all, the film was pretty good and brings up some really good topics to ponder.  Also, the director, Maurice Devereaux, directed another cool flick that I saw several months ago called Slashers.  I’m definitely going to be looking out for more of this guy’s films and you should, too!

3.5 out of 5.

Phase 2 Friday: Cautious Crapper

To try to help Phase 2 get a little more traffic and expose them to more people, I'm gonna post a link to my article.  This week I wrote about my thoughts on blogging!  Check it out here!  Thanks so much!

Job Jitters

I start my job on Thursday and I'm really excited and of course, nervous.  First of all, I'm eager to find out what the heck I'll be doing!  Since it's such a new business, everyone is running around trying to get everything ready for the opening day in December and maybe all the details haven't been worked out yet.  I was told the job would be easy, just greeting people and cleaning up after them.  I was also told I'd be getting tips by one guy.  Of course, he kind of acted like he didn't know what was going on so I'm not sure if I will but I hope I do!  Wouldn't it be great if I could use my tips for gas or grocery money without having to dip into my paycheck?  Not only would that help me get my own apartment but it would help me gain access to all my animation resources so I could start working on art again soon.  Every time I watch Family Guy, I'm inspired to animate again.  As frustrating as it was, I really do miss it and I really feel like I can do some great things if given enough time to practice.

I think about the orientation and the uniforms I'll be given.  I think about my coworkers.  What are they going to be like?  Are they going to be young or old?  In some ways, I think it would be cool if they were older people because I've always gotten along with people older than me.  Then again, if there was a cute young girl that worked with me, well, I wouldn't hate that!

The first day is only going to be four hours but the day after is going to be a full eight hour day and they'll even serve lunch on that day.  This makes me a bit nervous because everyone is going to be having their lunch there and what if it's like this cafeteria setting and everyone starts grouping together?  What am I going to do?  I certainly don't want to sit by myself like a loser but I don't know how to squeeze into a clique.  I feel it would be awkward if I just went up to a bunch of strangers and was like, "Heeey, can I sit with you guys?"  Seems kind of lame.

It's pretty sad that I'm almost twenty-four and I have little to no social skills.

Maybe I'll be lucky and the person that I sit next to/the person that sits next to me/the person that I'm seated with will be cool enough to strike up a conversation and that'll be the person I can sit with.

It doesn't help that I'm a fatty.  Every time I gain a lot of weight, my already limited confidence takes a dramatic fall to the floor.  If I don't look good, I don't feel good and I end up drawing myself inward.  I become quiet and come off as being really shy and/or boring.  If only I would have taken this summer to really get into shape.  Maybe I'd have more confidence so that on Thursday I could make friends with everyone and not be that emo guy sitting by himself in the corner.

Of course, I'm just being silly.  Hopefully everything will be fantastic!  This is the first time in a long time that I've felt positive and hopeful about something so I'm going to try not to let myself ruin it with all of my fears and inadequacies.

I'm getting everything prepared tomorrow and then leaving bright and early at 5:00am to get there on time!  Whooo, it's going to be a long drive to and from the place but it will be so worth it.  I just know it will!

Bad Romance: The Follow-Up

I got enough of a response from my last entry that I feel I should write my own response. 

I have a second online blog I keep that gets more replies than this one and I got quite a few responses to my last entry.  A lot of people thought I was being cynical in both my "Bad Romance" entries.  A lot of people thought I was love bashing and I was even called "bitter, preachy and judgmental" by one noter.

I'd just like to clarify that I was not bashing love.  The first "Bad Romance" was me saying that it is okay to be single.  People get absolutely freaked out at the idea of being without someone and it shouldn't be like that.  Yes, being in a relationship is wonderful.  It feels good to be with someone, to be close to another person, to be intimate.  It's comforting, safe.  I'll never deny that and I'll never say that no one wants that.  If you're with someone, no matter the reasoning, that's fine.  I'm not hatin' on you or encouraging you to break up.  But it's also fine to be by yourself.  That's all I was saying.

And in "Bad Romance II", I was just trying to examine love from a logical standpoint.  So many people get caught up in the foreplay and fluff that they forget that love takes work.  I don't know if love should be super easy or if love should be super hard but I do know that it does take some effort.  Once again, I'm not saying that people shoudln't be in love and shouldn't be in relationships.  Love is a beautiful thing.  It's the best thing there is and I hope that everyone can find love one day.  I'm just trying to get people to find a better, truer, purer kind of love.  Does that make sense?  I've just seen so many of my former friends go from one meaningless relationship to another without thinking about what they were doing and I just don't want others to go through that.

I wasn't intentionally being pessimistic, just realistic.

As I mentioned, I could very much be wrong about my ideas of love (as many of you have pointed out) and part of that could be my age and another part could be my inexperience.  I think we all have our own idea of true love and I think we all find it at different points in our lives.  And my ideas might not mesh with yours and that's okay.  I respect everyone's opinions on the matter but I just don't want people to think that I was being overtly negative.  And I don't want people to think that I'm poo-pooing their current relationships because I'm not.  I wish you the best of luck.

As far as the above noter's terse and mean-spirited labeling of me, I'd like to say that I don't think I was being preachy.  I have a certain writing style and maybe sometimes it's rough around the edges or rather sarcastic but I wouldn't necessarily classify it as preachy and if it is, I apologize.  It's never been my intention to shove my ideas down anyone else's throat.  Who am I to tell you what to believe?  I don't have that right and I hope I never made anyone feel that way.  But bitter?  I sure am bitter!  I won't deny it.  Long time readers will recall how full of love I used to be.  I was a romantic at one point, believe it or not.  Throughout the years, things changed drastically and maybe I'm still holding on to some of that hurt but that just gives my writing a personal touch.  I still think the things I said could be applied by anyone, bitter or not.  And judgmental?  Well, who isn't?  Moot point.

Of course, I'd love it if everyone agreed with me but that's obviously not always going to happen and this is such a case and that's okay.  It's always been my goal to at least get people thinking, to open people's minds so if you did or did not agree with the things I said in my last few entries, I hope I at least got you to thinking about why you agree or disagree with me.  If I can make you see things from a new perspective, if I can get you to think and maybe open up your head a little bit, then I've done what I set out to do.

Just to reiterate, really all I'm trying to say is that love is a beautiful thing as long as you use your head and heart simultaneously.  Also, if you aren't in a relationship, it's okay!  Take the time to improve upon yourself so that when you are in a relationship, it will be more fulfilling because you will know who you are and what you want.  Does that clear things up?  If anything, I was trying to be positive.

Or have I just become such a curmudgeon that I don't realize when I'm being bitter?

I have a little assignment for you, if you choose to accept it.  Respond to my "Bad Romance" entries with what you agreed or disagreed about what I wrote.  Or if you don't want to include me at all, just write about what love means to you.  How do you define love and what do you believe it takes to be in a healthy, successful relationship?  As much as I try to open others' eyes, I always try to keep an open mind myself.  I'd love to read what you have to say and maybe my perspectives might change.  If you do this, obviously let me know so that I can read it and we can have a discussion.

Let's talk about love.

Bad Romance II

I went out Friday night with an acquaintance of mine.  It was the usual coffee and conversation.  What I really liked about it was how refreshing the conversation was.  I barely speak to anyone anymore and conversations are few and far between for me these days and it felt good to talk to someone.  Even more than that, it felt good to have an intellectual conversation.  She was telling me about a friend of hers who ended a six year relationship two months ago.  Afterward, she met a guy, they dated for a month, and several days ago they got engaged.  It's like love in warp speed, no?  She thought it was ridiculous and I agreed with her.  She reasoned that this girl had been with her boyfriend of six years, ever since she was fifteen, and she didn't know how to be without someone so when this guy proposed to her, she thought it was comforting because that's pretty much all she's ever known of love.  I congratulated her on her insights because I was thinking the same thing.  Our discussion segued into me bringing up my "Bad Romance" entry that I wrote a few days ago.  She agreed with what I was saying and that was reassuring.  She even added, "Single is not a disease!"  Preach it, sister.

It felt good to know that a regular human can understand things the way I do.  Just like myself, she has never been in a relationship but she has to offer counseling to her friends who seem trapped in doomed romances.  While sipping our spiced apple chai teas and white chocolate mochas, I made an observation that, although we've never been involved with anyone romantically, we seem to know way more about relationships than those who have years of experience.  Funny how that happens.

We basically spent the entirety of our time together elaborating on the things I discussed in my blog.  It felt great to have a back and forth about the topic, to be given ideas to work off of and to provide the same for her.  It was nice to actually discuss with someone the things I write about instead of just sending it out into cyberspace and that being the end of it.  She's a smart girl and I admire her for having the intelligence to realize that her being single is not a punishment or a deformity.  We used to be in the same position, wishing God would send someone along for us to love but we've moved past that point and we are better for it.  We now spend our days trying to love ourselves instead of a ghost.  I think that's much more productive and is the easier path to peace.

Maybe because I've never been entangled in love, I can sit back and investigate it with an objective eye.  The fact that my heart has never blinded by my brain has allowed me to use my head when it comes to my heart.  I am logical, clinical.  And yes, maybe sometimes I'm a bit cold but at least it provides a better understanding.

Throughout my observations, I've realized:

Love is not perfect.  Love is not a fairytale and love will not solve sadness.  I used to be one of these hopeless romantics that fell in love with the way love was portrayed on television and in books.  You know, the whole "love cures all" thing, the whole "love changes everything," the whole "happily ever after" thing.  It's just not true and I hate to burst everyone's bubble but the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can get over those naive notions and start looking at love in a realistic way.  Love is complicated and messy and never cut and dry.  Now, I'm not saying that love isn't the best thing in the world because it is but love alone is never enough.

You cannot change people.  And girls, you cannot "fix" guys.  You can love someone with all of your heart but that will not alter their behavior or make them see the light.  They have to be open, receptive to that love for them to change and you cannot make anyone be open unless they want to be.  Yes, love is transformative and love can change people but only if they are willing and you cannot make anyone willing.  People are too stubborn and set in their ways for an outside influence to divert them from their norm.  Change starts from within themselves, not from you.

Love is a dance, a negotiation, a collaboration.  All parties involved have to work together toward that common goal of satisfaction.  Love hurts but I don't think it is supposed to.  Aren't there so many other things in the world that hurt?  Love is supposed to fix the hurt and yes it does if everyone does their part.  Love is the end of an equation that makes up the addition of partner one and partner two.  Love hurts because you love someone who doesn't love you back.  Love hurts because you aren't being treated with the respect you deserve.  Love hurts because you are being used or maybe you're the one doing the using and you aren't as fulfilled as you think you should be.  Love hurts because it's really  not love at all.  That's loneliness, that's desperation, that's impossible expectations that drew you to the relationship or is keeping you in the relationship.

And most of all, love is more than a feeling.  Love is comprised of passion, loyalty, trust, friendship, selflessness, and most importantly, choice.  Love isn't going to make him pick up his dirty clothes off of the floor or stop her from nitpicking over her appearance.  Love isn't going to make him share his feelings (until he's ready) and it isn't going to stop her from being clingy (until she decides to stop).  You have to accept that the other person is not perfect and you are not perfect and that two unperfect people are coming together.  You have to realize that this will cause friction and you have to choose to be with that person anyway, not to overlook their flaws but to be able to handle them and support them.  There's nothing wrong with encouraging people to improve and open the door for change but just don't expect that it will happen.

The idea of other people completing each other is all nice and good and romantic but I think it's kind of crap.  I think we all have the capability of being self-sufficient.  Love shouldn't be about completing, but complimenting.  To me, completion suggests perfection which only sets up an impossible expectation.  Partners are not like puzzle pieces.  You will never find anyone shaped perfectly to fit your vacancy.  But you will find people that you can be compatible with, which is where the whole choice thing comes in again.  I can't say if there is just one person in our lives that we are meant to be with because that goes back into the dreamy fairytale thing.  It's more likely that there are a wide variety of people that we could spend the rest of our lives with but we just have to make the right choice.

Obviously, I don't know much about love.  I've never been in love.  I've never been in a relationship so maybe I'm completely wrong but I do feel like I'm on to something.  I feel like I'm getting closer to finding out what love means to me.  I know I'll never stop learning but I keep making progress every day.  And maybe I've been able to do that because I am not so tangled up in someone else that I have the time, energy and resources to contemplate something of such magnitude.  I just wish other people would slow down and do the same thing.  When one relationship ends, instead of jumping into the arms of someone else, maybe people should take the time to reflect on the relationship, find out why it didn't work and what they can do the next time around to make things better.  But people are too afraid to be alone, too scared of the pain of heartbreak that they have to find someone else to cover up that hurt before it has time to absorb.  People don't want to think anymore.  It's simply too hard.  But for me, what I find harder to deal with is the idea of trapping myself in dead end relationships with girl after girl and never knowing what I wanted or needed, just keeping someone around to fill my holes.  Love sure isn't easy but is it really as difficult as people make it seem or are we simply confusing ourselves?

Phase 2 Friday: Undead Dash

I was recently asked to contribute a weekly article for a new website that my roommate from college is involved in.  The website is called Phase 2 Studio and as of now, it consists of cartoon strips, a radio show, movie and video game reviews, articles and now, me as well!  It's still getting off the ground so there's not a whole lot to explore but since I'm such a gentleman, I thought I'd point you directly to my article instead of posting it here so I can help send them some more traffic!

What was my first piece about?  Zombies, of course!

Check it out here!  Thanks!

Bad Romance

"It takes a lot of work when two people connect
Thought love was a beautiful thing
But it feels like a shackle around my neck
Feels a lot like suffocating
Hey, can someone say to me
Love feels like freedom and not like slavery.."
Showbread- The Great Emasculation

I noticed a status update on Facebook from an old acquaintance that shocked me.  She’s in a relationship.  I was floored because she’s about as exciting as a box of crackers.  It’s like, how can someone like her find someone and I can’t?  I mean, I can understand if the dude wanted to date drywall but her, really?  Even more surprising than the news of her boyfriend was how much it affected me. 

I feel like my love for people died long before my body did but sometimes I do have pangs of romantic resurrection.  And when I see stuff like what I saw on Facebook, it brings back long dormant desires.  Desires for passion.  And sometimes that passion likes to percolate inside of me but you know the thing about suppressing passion?  It’s a lot like holding in a fart.  Unlike farting, however, it’s not so much fun when it comes flapping out against your will.

In the past, I have attempted to ride that Love Rollercoaster but every time I’ve tried, I’ve experienced nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea, not to mention a fresh crack in my ceramic heart.  So, it came as no big surprise when one day I felt the clay crumble inside my chest.  It was a relief, actually.  It felt liberating not to have to worry about love and loneliness.  After so many years of wanting a girlfriend, wanting someone to give my love to, wanting to feel the way other people my age were feeling, it occurred to me that I wouldn’t make a good boyfriend.  I realized that I’m too insecure, too young and too troubled to be in a relationship.  All this time, I thought God was punishing me but He wasn’t.  He was actually saving me from a lot of unnecessary hassle, protecting me from something I wasn’t ready for.  While I was trying to find a relationship with someone else, I neglected the relationship I should have been nurturing with myself and with Jesus Christ.

So, during college, through some soul searching, a date that led nowhere and a few crushes that left me feeling deflated, I slowly rescinded the romantic in me.  I stopped trying to love girls in a romantic sense and instead began trying to love everyone in general.  Of course, trying to love my former roommate, Keith, didn’t work out so well.  It didn’t matter what kind of niceties I threw at him, he shut me down each time.  That, coupled with the fact that I couldn’t make good friends with any of my other roommates and the frustration that was my relationship with Chasity culminated in cutting me down so much that I bled out all feelings for anyone.  I couldn’t make it work with girls.  I couldn’t make it work with friends.  The final nail in my coffin was losing someone I never thought would lose, someone who left me for dead during my college debacle.  After her, I gave up on people entirely.  Gah, I know that sounds so emo and it’s so easy to classify that type of behavior as dumb (because I’ve done that classifying myself a time or two) but when you’ve reached that point, you understand where they are coming from.  And believe me, now I do.

And so, a few weeks later, in a test of my newly battered, tattered and smattered heart, Beau, a former roommate, came up to me one day and said, “I know someone who likes you!”

I didn’t bat an eyelash.

“Really?” I said, not so entirely enthused. 

“Yep.”

“Who is it?”

Turns out it was some girl from our portfolio class.  Beau said she’s been into me all quarter.  He found secondhand through a mutual friend of theirs so I don’t know if it was really true.  I tend to be skeptical about those sorts of things, especially when they don't come straight from the source.  It didn’t matter anyway because I was not attracted to her in the slightest.  And even if I was, what was I gonna do about it?  I’d never see her again.  And it was the end of the quarter.  It would have seemed silly to try to start something so close to graduation.  I won’t deny that the thought of someone taking a fancy to me was nice but it didn’t interest me to pursue her.  Besides, I don’t even understand why she liked me.  We had approximately two conversations and both of them involved homework.  I don’t know anyone who gets all hot and bothered over business cards so she must have based her feelings on my looks because she did not know my personality.  Two problems with that: if she’s basing her interest in me based on my looks, then she has bad taste and I don’t want to be with anyone who has bad taste.  And since she does not know me personally, she would have ultimately found disappointment when she would have found out I was a nut bag.  I’m saving us future heartbreak.  It felt really good to dismiss her so easily and that might seem cruel but really I’m just not going to waste my time on something that I know is not right for me.  If only other people would do the same thing, they’d save themselves a lot of trouble.

I mean, really, what has become of us that we are all so obsessed with love and finding someone to be with?  Let’s not be so codependent, how about that?  Here’s a radical thought.  How about let’s get ourselves together first, start loving who we are, start relying on ourselves, start being comfortable with who we are as individuals!  If we can all do that, we wouldn’t need anyone else to make us happy or validate us because we would already be secure enough.  Sure, love is all nice and good if that’s your thing but really, it’s just a bonus.  The real satisfaction comes from ending the day knowing and loving yourself.  Loving someone else should the icing on the cake but it shouldn’t be the cake itself, the one thing we all strive for to gain happiness.  You can be perfectly happy alone but most people don’t seem to understand that.  I know people who absolutely rail against the idea of being single.  It's not even that they run from the thought of loneliness.  I suspect they run from the fear of being alone if single.  Everyone thinks love is the key to happiness but I’m here to call bullshizzle.  If anything, being in a relationship will make you more miserable.  I’ve seen it happen with enough people to know this is the truth.  And you know why?  Because these people thought love would make them happy.  They weren’t happy enough with themselves so they sought it out in others.  And not only did they realize that love was not the magical cure-all they had expected but they also had to deal with the disappointment of their sky high expectations.

But isn’t love supposed to make everything better?

Maybe true love does.  But these people, and most people in general, aren’t in true love.  They are in true dependence.  They are in a “love” that makes them think things are better but nothing has changed.  They stick with these relationships because being with someone you don’t particularly like is better than being alone.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this poor excuse.

"Oh, she's a total whore but I won't break up with her 'cause I don't wanna be alone."

"Oh, he is verbally abusive but I wanna stick with him 'cause it's better than having no one at all."

I am absolutely astounded by these people’s insecurities.  And I thought I was bad!  So, you’d rather be in a toxic relationship that is slowly killing you than freeing yourself of all that baggage and just being alone?  People act as if being alone is the equivalent of having cancer.  And this is why people are so screwed up and lost.  They’ve never been on their own, never had to depend on themselves to get through tough times.  They’ve always had someone else to comfort them, to take care of them.  They’ve always intertwined themselves with their partners and along the way, lost who they were.

People tend to forget that we all have a lot of problems.  We seek relationships so the other person can either fix our problems or make us forget about our problems.  But they have their own problems.  You hope they can fix your crap and they hope you can fix their crap and pretty soon everyone is too busy dabbling in dookie to nurture the relationship and allow it to bloom.  There’s plenty of fertilizer but where’s the water and communication and sunlight and trust?  Nothing beautiful can blossom if you get your hands dirty for misguided reasons.

Everyone gets lonely.  Everyone gets angry too but that doesn't give them the right to punch people in the face.  So why is it okay to go out and grab yourself a lover when you're a little lonely?  How about exerting some self-control.  I get lonely too but I don’t go out and find some random girl to make me feel better about my own problems for a few weeks until everything eventually goes south.  No, I just lie in my bed and eat a bag of chips until the feeling passes.  Way healthier.

Loneliness is a feeling, a lot like being hungry.  But did you know that thirst is often mistaken for hunger?  When you thought you wanted that Big Mac, maybe you really just needed a glass of milk.  Feeling lonely?  Maybe you don’t need a girlfriend or boyfriend.  Maybe you just need a good friend.  Maybe you need God or maybe you need to do some yoga.  Maybe you just need someone to talk to and that’s totally okay.  You have all kinds of love inside your heart to share with people and it doesn’t always have to be romantic love.  Talk to your friend, talk to yourself, write your frustrations in a journal.  Get lost in something healthy and productive instead of masking your mayhem by making out.

In some ways, I'm glad I died because it has given me brand new eyes, allowed me to see love from the outside in, just the way has allowed me to see all things that way.  I realized that love is like a pool that we are dropped into from birth.  We grow up and use our limbs to learn about love and swimming and as we doggy paddle our way across the pool, we come across all the various kinds of loves available.  We love our parents and then our teachers and our friends and as we keep swimming, we encounter crushes and first kisses and a fluttering in our stomachs that keep us afloat.  And when we are rejected, we swallow a lot of water.  When our hearts are broken, it feels a lot like drowning but we have to realize that we are more than the water we swim through.  And since I've been plucked from this pool and the chlorine has been cleared from my eyes, I can see this now.  I just wish everyone else could keep their heads above water so they could see it, too.

Now, let me just say that I am not bashing love (entirely) and I'm not saying everyone should be single (entirely) because if you have yourself reasonably together and truly feel you are ready for a relationship or find yourself already in one and it's a good, healthy relationship, then congratulations, do your thing.  I'm happy for you.  And you don't even have to be perfect to be in a relationship.  No one is perfect and you will always have things to work on but just make sure you're at least somewhat stable.  Don't go into the relationship thinking this person will fix you or that loving someone will make your problems disappear because that will not happen.

I don't advocate love but I don't admonish it.  I just wish people weren't so averse to being single.  There is nothing wrong with being single.  You are not a loser if you are single.  You are not unworthy of love and you are not undesirable.  It simply just isn't your time so take that time to improve upon yourself, to let go of the idealistic notions you have attached to being in love because more likely than not, it won't be as magical as you've hoped.  Make yourself happy.  Love yourself and the rest will come easily.  Take it from me, I've been single my entire life and I'm trucking along just fine.  Well, as fine as a dead guy can.  Sure, I'm a little loopy but that has nothing to do with girls.  You will not explode if you are without a partner for longer than a week.  You won't drown.  Don't rely on someone else to be your arm floaties.  Learn to swim on your own and love the freedom of being unattached.

Deadgirl (2008) Review

You'll Never Have Anything Better

Two outcast boys, Rickie and JT, ditch school and sneak into an abandoned mental hospital, where they find a dirty girl lying naked and tied up under a sheet of plastic.  She appears to be dead until JT goes in for a little poke and the girl suddenly starts breathing.  Instead of doing the right thing like calling the police or attempting to free the girl from her bonds, JT has the great idea to take advantage of this super model hot lady, never bothering to take into account a) her feelings on the matter and b) where her possibly decomposing cooter has been.  Rickie wants no part of it (the only smart choice he makes throughout the entirety of the film) but, once again, instead of contacting the authorities, he leaves JT with the kind of almost sort of dead girl so JT can have his way with her.  Cut to the next day and JT wants Rickie to come back so he can show him something “unbelievable.”  After some disturbing experimentation on the girl, JT finds out the girl cannot die, at least not permanently, no matter what he does to her.  And he does some bad things.  Rickie is freaked out, JT is thrilled and I’m irritated.  Rickie makes JT promise to keep the not so dead but still kind of dead girl a secret between them.  JT agrees but the secret doesn’t stay just between them.  And as more and more people learn about the deadish girl, sexing her up proves to have disastrous consequences. 

There were so many things wrong with this movie.  I don’t think any other film in recent history has confused, frustrated and intrigued me all at once like this one did.  As the end credits rolled and I wiped the drool from my chin, it left me thinking and that’s something a movie hasn’t done for me in a while.  I mean, you could point out every flaw in the movie and I would not hesitate to agree with you but I still have to say I liked it!  Let’s go ahead and cover up the naughty bits before we move on to the good stuff.

The story walked the fine line between refreshing and cliched and often lost its balanced and fell into the "been there, done that" pool.  I guessed almost every move by the dumb, one dimensional characters before it was made.  And speaking of characters, you have the stereotypical anti-hero, the loner, the stoner, the jock, the unattainable girl.  And every one of the characters made one terrible decision after the other, so much so that it became laughable.  Right from the beginning, when the two boys find the girl, JT's first thoughts are to hump her although he doesn't know a thing about her, including the condition of her love box and even if she's alive.  I mean, who thinks like that, except maybe Quagmire from Family Guy.  "Giggity, giggity, let's have sex!"  He goes from a typical slacker kid to an evil-eyed necrophile and what's more disturbing is the fact that Rickie doesn't seem all that phased by it.

In fact, Rickie isn't terribly concerned with the girl, either.  He's just worried about going to jail.  Although he's the lead character and one that I'm assuming we are supposed to care about and root for, he doesn't try too terribly hard to stop JT from raping the girl, doesn't call the cops and doesn't try to rescue her.  And when he finally does try to help the girl, it's half-hearted, unsuccessful and, frankly, a little too late in my little black book of blood.  The film is also scattered with insignificant side characters like Wheeler, the two boys' stoner friend and Johnny, the bully jock who harrasses Rickie for staring at his girlfriend, JoAnn, Rickie's crush.  Eventually, Wheeler, Johnny and JoAnn all get pulled into the mental hospital and the realm of the dead girl, all because of dumb, dumb decisions!

I know that when it comes to movies, suspension of disbelief is often required but this was just ridiculous.  For example, JT eventually tells Wheeler about the dead girl and once Wheeler and Rickie get the crap beat out of them by Johnny, Wheeler blurts out that they have a sex slave!  Like, really?  Just idiotic.  What's even more idiotic is the way Johnny was coerced into getting some dead lady love by the other boys.  All of these stupid moves are obviously there to serve the plot but it just seems like the writer's could have come up with a better way to get the characters to where they wanted than having them do things that make you want to scream at the screen.

I also wasn't too keen on some of the camera movement and editing.  First of all, can we get rid of this pseudo reality television "shaky cam" that has cropped up all over the place?  I felt sick within the first five minutes of the movie.  The decision to do quick cuts in some areas and dissolves in others also struck me as odd.  I did enjoy the contrast between the light, bright colors used during the outdoor shots and the murky green used during the scenes inside the abandoned hospital.  It definitely helped with setting the mood.

With all that said, I realize that the movie isn't just about repeatedly humping a dead girl.  The movie is a metaphor for growing up, for finding a place to belong and for feeling accepted.  I just don't think it was excecuted very well.  And in case it was a little too foggy to comprehend, JT outright let's us know this is about more than getting off.  In the room with the dead girl, Rickie finally grows enough balls to confront JT and JT says something to the effect of, "Don't you realize this is the best I'm ever going to get?"  It was probably the only moment in the film I felt something for one of the characters, most likely because I can understand completely where JT is coming from.  For him, it wasn't about the sex or just being a horny teenager.  It was about power, about taking back some control in his otherwise dull existence.  For him, being there with that dead girl is the only excitement in his life.  In a world where he has nothing, he can call that girl his own and for that to be compromised is very threatening for JT.  Think I took long enough to get to the point of the movie?  Well, so did the movie!

All in all, I thought the pace was pretty good and the acting was decent.  As far as what happens to the characters and the dead girl at the center of it all, I want you to watch it so I won't give it away.  I'll just say the last frame was definitely haunting and brought a whole new dimension of thinking to the table.  It left me with a lot to ponder and no matter how flawed the movie was, and it was very flawed, that's always appreciated.

4 out of 5.

Snobby Snogger

Written February 2008.

I have struggled with some of life’s greatest questions in my short time on this earth, mysteries that have stmped even the greatest of philosophers throughout history.  Questions like:

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Why do we insist on pressing the remote control harder when we know the battery is dead?  (Don’t act like you’ve never done it!)

Why did Sally sell seashells by the sea shore when anyone can just pick them up for free?

How would you treat someone addicted to counseling?

How does Freddy Krueger wipe his butt?

Can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils?

If a pope goes to the bathroom, is it considered holy crap?

If quizzes are quizzical, then what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

There are an endless number of questions to ponder out there.  One question recently came to mind after I had a talk with an old friend.  When our conversation turned to a discussion on kissing, I had to reevaluate my stance on sucking face.  I wondered if my views were too old fashioned to keep up with this over sexed and under satisfied world of ours.  Perhaps it’s best to remain selective when snogging.  Or am I too much of a prude to pucker up?

I seem to be in the minority on this, but I don’t find being a kissing slut to be an attractive trait in a perspective mate.  I certainly wouldn’t pride myself in knowing I had kissed a ton of girls and hope my potential partner would be the same way when it came to her lip play.  I would like to be able to find a decent girl who hasn’t had her tongue down half the male population.  Is that too much to ask for?  I used to think it wasn’t, but nowadays kissing is seen as as innocent and harmless as hugging or shaking hands and more people are locking lips.  And I struggle with the idea of remaining old fashioned and the notion of being kiss happy.  It’s an internal struggle that I battle with anytime I see two people kissing and that old familiar craving for a kiss comes back to bite me.

In many ways, I like to think of myself as open minded and quite progressive.  I don’t think it’s a huge deal when other people have a lot of kissing partners.  I won’t automatically label you a big slut or anything.  But as for me, personally, I just don’t want to be that way.  I want to save my kisses for a special misses.  I guess when I think of kissing, I think of the person on the other end of my lips as being someone I genuinely like.  A girl that I have known for a while and have developed romantic feelings for.  I want that kiss to be infused with a feeling of fancy for her.  I want it to mean more than physical pleasure.  I want it to be a kiss that touches me deeper than the skin.  I want it to be special.  It’s that simple.

Yet, in this day in age, it’s hard to find that special someone.  I, myself, have found it especially difficult to find a girl I can attach romantic feelings to.  And because I’m still a normal, healthy male, I have those urges, those feelings of desire just like anyone else, and so I find myself conflicted.  I would like to express my desires physically, yet I have no one to do that with.  Naturally, I don’t have to like a girl to kiss her.  I realize this, yet I want to like her.  It doesn’t look like she’s gonna show up any time soon and meanwhile my hormones are horrendous and sometimes I don’t know how long I can hold out. 

It’s a battle between Horny Bran and Ho-Hum Bran and frankly, I don’t know who’s gonna win this war.

You know, I have done well when it comes to holding out for a phenomenal female.  Last year, when I was gang molested by three drunken girls at a bar, I held my tongue (literally) when they all insisted on making out with me.  Here I had these three beautiful and inebriated ladies ready to mingle with my mouth and yet I didn't want to.  I mean, I didn't wanna take advantage of these girls, didn't wanna do anything with them that they wouldn't wanna do with me while they were sober.  But, really, who's to say they wouldn't have wanted a taste while they were sober?  I suppose that's my low self-esteem talking but that's how I felt.  They ended up stealing my sugar anyway, while another one initiated some lip biting action that still gets me hot and bothered when thinking about it to this day.  And perhaps that's what will save me every time.  Maybe my morals will step in and intercept any indecent thoughts I might have.

I suppose I should hang on to the idea that, although I might be tempted, might be weak in the moment, perhaps I won't do anything I'll ever regret later.  And heck, maybe a little awesome lip action every once in a while wouldn't hurt me.  I mean, I am a young man, some would even say attractive, and perhaps it could do me some good to get some physical attention from the ladies.  Thinking back on it, I guess I don't have a problem with kissing girls who aren't girlfriends, just as long as I don't go too far with them or make it a habit.  Plus, I know no matter how many girls I kiss, they won't compare to the kiss that comes from the one I love.  And if it's as amazing as I imagine it will be, I think I can hold out a little while longer.

It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp

"You know it's hard out here for a pimp
When he tryin' to get this money for the rent
For the Cadillacs and gas money spent..."
-DJay featuring Shug

Mom just came in and told me that Dad called her and told her the job I left a week or so ago lost their contract with a client and were forced them to lay off over one hundred twenty people.  A part of the group that was let go were the new hires and people in training.  That would have included me if I had stayed.  That totally sucks.  I will say, though, that it made me feel better about leaving.  Now I don't nearly feel as bad for quitting because, well, I wouldn't have lasted but another week anyway! 

I do feel bad for those that were laid off.  Although the majority of them were obnoxious rednecks, they still need to pay their bills!  A lot of them had a bunch of children (of course) that they need to support so I'm feeling for them right now.  I know I struggled for three months straight before resorting to working at that place.  And I'm not just talking about casually looking for a job here or there, circling ads in the classifieds or filling out an application or two.  I'm talking going through every available job avenue from various newspapers (not just the local one) to Internet to applications to searching every available job listing I could find every single day for three months.  So, I can't imagine the struggle these people are going to have to go through to find another job.  Jobs are hard to come by enough as it is in this small turd of a town, so now imagine hundreds of people looking for work all at once.

And right around the holidays, too.  Merry frickin' Christmas. 

Hopefully the company will find another client and will hire all those people back. 

God bless them.

The Last of the Lump?

On my other blog that I've had for years before starting this one, I have reported ad nauseam about the lump in my throat.  I'm not too sure if I ever talked about it in this blog.  So, in case I haven't, here's a short synopsis:  I developed a very large, very noticeable lump in my throat about three years ago.  I went to many doctors and none of them new what the heck it was but they immediately wanted to cut it out.  I wasn't too down with that so after I graduated this past May, I went to a specialist and he diagnosed the lump as a birth defect that was aggravated by my septum that was deviated when my nose was broken by accident in PE!  Thus, I had the surgery to correct my nose which is supposed to stop the lump from being inflamed and enlarged.  Rooohaa.

Even though I've talked about it a lot, no one's ever actually seen the affliction I've described so exhaustingly.  Because I like to share and I'm not afraid to reveal myself in the worst of ways, I thought I'd show you the lump in all its glory.  I took a picture every few days to show lump slowly decreasing in size.  I think the before and after is pretty stark.

Click on the "Read More" link below the "You Might Also Like" icons to see the grossness!  Thanks.