men and women sit watching TV
they say, 'it's a shame anyone has to die
but it was either them or me'
all safe and snug, tucked away in our mansions
we smile feeling comfortably safe
and over the sea there's a dark cold place
out of sight, out of mind, out of reach, washed away..."
-Showbread, Escape from Planet Cancer
"The death, the rape, the tragedy
the world is an ugly place
what's capable inside of me
is going to rear its ugly face..."
-DIES, Aesthetics of Violence
"And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
look beneath the floorboards
for the secrets I have hid..."
-Sufjan Stevens, John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
Several years ago at my former job, I sat down at my makeshift desk, which was really just a folding table propped up against a wall. I was a temp, hired on to help the company catch up on their paperwork and they had no proper office to give me. So they made due and assembled a desk from extra parts they had in storage.
As I sorted through the stack of files, I noticed the room grow dim on my right side. I looked up and saw the florescent light on the ceiling had gone out. I looked at the wall three feet in from my face and saw the light and the dark encompassing the same portion of polystyrene. To me, it felt like the technological equivalent of the angel and devil on my shoulder.
When I was a child, as I came to understand myself and the world and people around me, I realized I wanted to help people. I lived in a small town with small minds. Religion reigned over everything. God was not at the center of people's hearts but at the center of social normalcy. And with that warped sense of religion came a warped sense of right and wrong. They did not look to the Bible but to their biased pastor to see who should be shunned or celebrated and a mess was made of everyone.
I am really just like him
look beneath the floorboards
for the secrets I have hid..."
-Sufjan Stevens, John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
Several years ago at my former job, I sat down at my makeshift desk, which was really just a folding table propped up against a wall. I was a temp, hired on to help the company catch up on their paperwork and they had no proper office to give me. So they made due and assembled a desk from extra parts they had in storage.
As I sorted through the stack of files, I noticed the room grow dim on my right side. I looked up and saw the florescent light on the ceiling had gone out. I looked at the wall three feet in from my face and saw the light and the dark encompassing the same portion of polystyrene. To me, it felt like the technological equivalent of the angel and devil on my shoulder.
When I was a child, as I came to understand myself and the world and people around me, I realized I wanted to help people. I lived in a small town with small minds. Religion reigned over everything. God was not at the center of people's hearts but at the center of social normalcy. And with that warped sense of religion came a warped sense of right and wrong. They did not look to the Bible but to their biased pastor to see who should be shunned or celebrated and a mess was made of everyone.
Fortunately, I was able to avoid such brainwashing. I did not grow up in the church and it spared me from being taught to discriminate (disclaimer: not all churches teach hate, just all the ones I attended). I wasn't told to hate the gays or keep my distance from the blacks and shun the atheists and fornicators and underage drinkers. In fact, all these "bad" people comprised the majority of my friends. I liked them and I was a good judge of character. How could they be bad? And how were they any worse, open with their vices, than those who hid their sins on Sunday and resumed their wicked ways the rest of the week?
Although this "Christian" behavior was hypocritical, it didn't anger me at the time. It only inspired me.
I realized I wanted to help people. I wanted people to love each other, to realize we are all the same underneath our skin and sexuality. I wanted people to know we all have the same desires and defects. I wanted to use my art to inspire and incite revolution. All I really wanted to do was open people's eyes. I just didn't think I was good enough at the time. I wasn't quite ready yet.
I was a child, still developing my skills and message. What did I want to say? How was I going to change the world? I had lofty ambitions and I didn't want my life to go to waste. I grew up deformed in several ways and I felt so much pain inside because of my feelings and fears. I didn't want anyone else to go through that. I didn't want anyone to feel as alone as I did. Despite my personal demons, I thought people were basically good. The world was bad and we would get corrupted but we could be saved. We were worth saving.
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