I keep getting these job offers that I don't want. And they keep coming back to haunt me.
First, the cell phone company leaves me hanging for weeks and makes me think they didn't want me, giving me enough time to talk myself out of even wanting it, before they call and say they wanted a second interview. I turned them down. Then, the promotion at my current job that fell through in February suddenly came open a few days ago. Once again, I was given enough time to talk myself out of it and even felt relieved that I didn't get it. But I was actually singled out for the position this time around. And no one had to get into a car crash this time around, which was pretty nice. I don't want to say I was guilted into it, necessarily, but the supervisor made it seem like I was the only reliable choice. I didn't want to disappoint him and I did need the pay raise so I hesitantly agreed.
Plus, being a supervisor looks good on an resume, right? 'Cause the bachelor's degree sure hasn't been helping.
I think the thing that sucks the most is how I absolutely work myself up into a tizzy about whether or not I should take these jobs. From the cell phone place to my current job, any time something that could possibly be better was offered, I ended up feeling sick over the decision. I walked around with heartburn for days, agonizing over whether I should take the chance or wait until something definitely better came along.
The only problem is I have no way of knowing if something better will come along. Jobs are pretty scarce in general and even more so in my town. I suppose it's just the fact that I am already so sad and I don't think I could take another disappointment or another crappy job. It would finally do me in.
My indecisiveness is pretty maddening. I was always a pretty indecisive person but it really got bad once I went off to college. I was so sure, so unbelievably sure about going there and in a matter of days it all blew up in my face and radically changed me, from the way I thought and felt to my outlook on life. It changed my world, and not for the better. And I think for my first big decision to be such a disaster, it implanted paranoia in my head. I was never sure of anything after that. And it's not even about the big stuff, like jobs or education. A few days ago, I stood in the frozen food section for thirty minutes trying to pick out a pizza to eat that night. I scanned each one, checking the prices and ingredients and tried to tap into my tummy to find out what it was craving. I put one pizza in my shopping cart, then put it back, grabbed another and then put that one back as well. I just wasn't sure what the right choice was.
And so I found myself pondering whether I should take the supervisor position. I talked to a lot of people and with each person I talked to, I felt differently about taking it. One person made me feel good, another made me want to retract my acceptance. I wondered if it would be another bad choice. Would it be like the old job at the bingo facility where I transferred positions, thinking it would be better, and ended up being worse?
It sucks to be so unsure of things. And it sucks to feel like the type of person who can't make good decisions, who can never seem to get things right when it comes to making big, or even small, choices. I'll probably end up sticking with pursuing the new position, and I'm sure I'll regret it, but it's more money and I definitely need that. I'm just not sure if I need all the extra stress and responsibilities.
I just need to get my book finished so I can send it off to agencies and get a book deal and become comfortable enough to quit retail and not have to worry about any of that anymore. Or I need to at least hold on to that dream so I don't end up putting my head in the oven. Hey, if I can't be a writer, at least I can go out like one. Am I right, ladies?
Friday, July 22, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
book notes #6 and more
I didn't want all of my updates to be about book writing but that's basically all I've been doing and as I'm trying to keep this blog updated, I guess that's what I'll update about. Sorry in advance.
Last month was pretty productive in terms of writing. I had written approximately 57 pages over the course of two years prior to last month. It's not as if those 57 pages were perfect and I worked tirelessly every day to make every word gold. I just wrote for a few weeks and then took a few months off. Obviously, it was getting me nowhere. So, after receiving a proof copy of my first novel, it inspired me to forge ahead with my memoir. And in that month, I wrote another 57 pages. I still have about 200 to go so I'm nowhere near finished but I'm still plugging away at it.
I have to say I feel good about the book so far. As I was looking over my notes, it brought back so many details that had gotten lost in the gutter of my head. Scents, visuals, and even strands of dialogue came back to me as I wrote. Also, I realized how varied the book will be. While it focuses on my time in college, it also addresses a wide variety of issues that I dealt with before I even stepped foot in school and issues that I'm still dealing with today. I think once it's finished it'll give a pretty good picture of who I was as a whole, not just a college student. We've got God and sex and art and mental health and death and eating disorders.
And the best part about it so far is that it's been fun to write. Not only do I feel like I'm working with some good material but it's just been enjoyable to go back and relive those moments. Even the not so good times were worth revisiting because it's been pretty therapeutic overall and has given me a bit more perspective on things.
In other news, I feel like I have completely disconnected myself from the real world. My mind has been filled with writing two books and reading Harry Potter with any spare time I have and I haven't left much mental energy to concentrate on the issues that are slowly dissolving me into a second death. My existence is in shambles and I've just been ignoring it by placing my priorities elsewhere. I hate my job but I've all but given up on finding something else because there is nothing here for me. I hate my body but I'm too lazy to exercise and I'm too depressed to eat healthy because fattening foods make me feel better, no matter how short-lived the feeling may be. It's better than the emptiness. At least that's what I try to tell myself. I know better but I ignore it.
If I had to work in retail, I wish that I could work somewhere a bit more upscale, somewhere where the customers observe a minimum standard of hygiene, like bathing and brushing their teeth. I had one gentleman shuffle his way into my department the other day and as I was processing his transaction, I literally had to hold my breath. The body odor was so strong it was sharp, like it was stabbing my face. Naturally, it took him several minutes to get the change back into his wallet. Her gingerly eased the money in as I began to turn blue and become lightheaded. I actually had to turn around and take a breath before going back in. I don't deserve this.
There are three other coworkers besides myself who have bachelor's degrees. And none of us can find anything better than crappy part-time work with this company. I think it's kind of sad. One's in business, the other in education, the other in social work. I think they still stand a better chance at finding something than I do, at least something relatively nearby. But the fact that they can't find work still makes me feel bad for them. We all spent so much time and money to become educated, to do better for ourselves, and we are all still stuck. And also in student loan debt on top of that.
The lady from the wireless phone company finally called me back the other day. I had actually given up on getting a call back and put it out of my mind so when she called, I was surprised. Obviously, I wasn't going to take it. I had already decided that, especially when my work said they wouldn't let me stay on with them if I took the full-time job. I didn't want to risk leaving something secure to jump into something I wasn't sure would work out. I'm not a daredevil like that.
The funny thing is I wanted them to call me back even though I wasn't going to accept. I just needed to know that they wanted me, that I was good enough. But after I started thinking about it, I realized I was good enough. I rocked that interview so hard and I am darn good at customer service, although I loathe it. I pretty much hate all people but I am awesome at pretending I don't. I realized I didn't need their validation and I was proud of myself for owning that. But, I got the validation anyway so I had to make an awkward phone call back to the lady to explain to her that I was no longer interested in the position. I wondered why it took her so long to call back as she told me it would be two days but instead it was around two weeks. She never gave me an explanation so I'll never know. My paranoid mind thinks she might have hired someone else and they didn't work out? So I was second best. Or maybe she just got busy. I don't know and I don't have the energy to care. It's done.
Plus, she kept calling me Brandon. I hate that. Even during the interview with my application sitting right in her lap, she called me Brandon. People have done that all of my life. When I'm at work, people read my name badge and call me Brandon. Most of my teachers from middle and high school still know me as Brandon. It really makes me feel good about who I am. Thank you.
Last month was pretty productive in terms of writing. I had written approximately 57 pages over the course of two years prior to last month. It's not as if those 57 pages were perfect and I worked tirelessly every day to make every word gold. I just wrote for a few weeks and then took a few months off. Obviously, it was getting me nowhere. So, after receiving a proof copy of my first novel, it inspired me to forge ahead with my memoir. And in that month, I wrote another 57 pages. I still have about 200 to go so I'm nowhere near finished but I'm still plugging away at it.
I have to say I feel good about the book so far. As I was looking over my notes, it brought back so many details that had gotten lost in the gutter of my head. Scents, visuals, and even strands of dialogue came back to me as I wrote. Also, I realized how varied the book will be. While it focuses on my time in college, it also addresses a wide variety of issues that I dealt with before I even stepped foot in school and issues that I'm still dealing with today. I think once it's finished it'll give a pretty good picture of who I was as a whole, not just a college student. We've got God and sex and art and mental health and death and eating disorders.
And the best part about it so far is that it's been fun to write. Not only do I feel like I'm working with some good material but it's just been enjoyable to go back and relive those moments. Even the not so good times were worth revisiting because it's been pretty therapeutic overall and has given me a bit more perspective on things.
In other news, I feel like I have completely disconnected myself from the real world. My mind has been filled with writing two books and reading Harry Potter with any spare time I have and I haven't left much mental energy to concentrate on the issues that are slowly dissolving me into a second death. My existence is in shambles and I've just been ignoring it by placing my priorities elsewhere. I hate my job but I've all but given up on finding something else because there is nothing here for me. I hate my body but I'm too lazy to exercise and I'm too depressed to eat healthy because fattening foods make me feel better, no matter how short-lived the feeling may be. It's better than the emptiness. At least that's what I try to tell myself. I know better but I ignore it.
If I had to work in retail, I wish that I could work somewhere a bit more upscale, somewhere where the customers observe a minimum standard of hygiene, like bathing and brushing their teeth. I had one gentleman shuffle his way into my department the other day and as I was processing his transaction, I literally had to hold my breath. The body odor was so strong it was sharp, like it was stabbing my face. Naturally, it took him several minutes to get the change back into his wallet. Her gingerly eased the money in as I began to turn blue and become lightheaded. I actually had to turn around and take a breath before going back in. I don't deserve this.
There are three other coworkers besides myself who have bachelor's degrees. And none of us can find anything better than crappy part-time work with this company. I think it's kind of sad. One's in business, the other in education, the other in social work. I think they still stand a better chance at finding something than I do, at least something relatively nearby. But the fact that they can't find work still makes me feel bad for them. We all spent so much time and money to become educated, to do better for ourselves, and we are all still stuck. And also in student loan debt on top of that.
The lady from the wireless phone company finally called me back the other day. I had actually given up on getting a call back and put it out of my mind so when she called, I was surprised. Obviously, I wasn't going to take it. I had already decided that, especially when my work said they wouldn't let me stay on with them if I took the full-time job. I didn't want to risk leaving something secure to jump into something I wasn't sure would work out. I'm not a daredevil like that.
The funny thing is I wanted them to call me back even though I wasn't going to accept. I just needed to know that they wanted me, that I was good enough. But after I started thinking about it, I realized I was good enough. I rocked that interview so hard and I am darn good at customer service, although I loathe it. I pretty much hate all people but I am awesome at pretending I don't. I realized I didn't need their validation and I was proud of myself for owning that. But, I got the validation anyway so I had to make an awkward phone call back to the lady to explain to her that I was no longer interested in the position. I wondered why it took her so long to call back as she told me it would be two days but instead it was around two weeks. She never gave me an explanation so I'll never know. My paranoid mind thinks she might have hired someone else and they didn't work out? So I was second best. Or maybe she just got busy. I don't know and I don't have the energy to care. It's done.
Plus, she kept calling me Brandon. I hate that. Even during the interview with my application sitting right in her lap, she called me Brandon. People have done that all of my life. When I'm at work, people read my name badge and call me Brandon. Most of my teachers from middle and high school still know me as Brandon. It really makes me feel good about who I am. Thank you.
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