cadaverous cusp

This is what it feels like to be dead, y'all.

January glazed over me like I had been trapped under ice.  Looking up, I saw everything happening, everything passing by but I couldn't touch any of it, feel it for what it was, absorb the sensation of time passing.  I could only watch, eyes locked, frozen to a point up ahead where everything funneled through my vision yet escaped my perception.

I work and come home and take a nap because I'm too exhausted to keep my eyes open and then I eat crap and then I watch crap on television and then I go to bed, all the while thinking about writing or drawing and never actually doing it because I'm too physically and emotionally drained.  I wake up and go through the same frustration the next day and then repeat until each day melts into the next, congealing and stretching out into a bleak future of further lethargy.

I've noticed a sharp decline in my energy recently.  I've never had a ton because of my unhealthy eating habits and lack of exercise but things are getting worse.  I can barely hold it together anymore.  Waking up just gets harder and harder each morning, to the point where I'm hitting the snooze repeatedly and finding myself rushing out of the door so I'm not late for work.  I'm not a morning person to begin with and having to wake up so early and being so tired despite a good amount of sleep just makes things all the more miserable.

I hate myself because I have been whining about getting together all of my animation stuff and now that I have it, I've barely used it.  I'll play here or there but mostly it's just sitting in my room.  I'm annoyed because I could be doing great things but I'm just too tired.  That's not really an excuse but I guess it is why I haven't done anything.  My head is too filled up with garbage to allow creativity to come through.  I'm too preoccupied with things that simply don't matter to actually focus on the things that do.

I've also been pretty secluded.  Not intentionally so, just kind of lost communication with a lot of people.  I haven't called and no one else has called.  No one's fault but I do feel the lack of human contact.  Work doesn't count because its demanded of me to speak to people but if I had my say in the matter, the only thing I would communicate would  be my middle finger as I walked out of the door.  That goes for customers and most coworkers.  And I'm kind of okay with that.  Sometimes I do crave conversation.  It comes but then it goes.  It really just adds to the feel of the days meshing into one with no particular person, event, connection, emotion to separate the time, to individualize dates and days, to break up the monotony of moroseness.

I've been dealing with a lot of...well, not really dealing with, but ignoring a lot of important issues lately and I've come to a conclusion:

I'm just awful.

I'm a terrible student.  Terrible vegetarian.  Terrible Christian.  Terrible person.

Outwardly, I might seem like a nice guy, like I'm doing well.  But, I'm on fire on the inside.  My ribcage is like a furnace that is consuming all that I've ever believed in.  The flames lick away at my faith in life and love and myself.  You see how I smile but you don't know the evil thoughts behind the smile, the selfishness, the intense anger that comes along with being me.  I try to project a shiny outside to make up for the ruin within.  It's kind of like I'm simply sweeping my life under a rug, making it appear neat and tidy but there's nothing tidy about me.

book notes #1

So far, I've written 6,8714 words and approximately 149 pages for my book.  Christmas kind of slowed me down and then I got out of the habit of writing daily.  I could be finished with the first draft by now if I never would have stopped.  Now, I'm finding it slightly difficult to get back into the mood of the story.  I'm also at a point where I don't know how to continue.  I had an original outline but things have changed slightly and now I'm not sure if continuing in the intended path will make any sense.  Frankly, I haven't given myself the time or energy to come up with a different direction.

So, I have to wonder, when you plan on writing something, how much should you stick to the plan and how much should you allow the story to tell itself?

I've always been a pretty big fan of natural, organically flowing material.  I've never been big into planning, whether it was with drawing, animating or writing.  Sure, I'll have a general outline of what I want to happen.  I think some structure is important, otherwise you'll run the risk of running way too long and getting off track of the intended message.  But, too much structure seems to stifle creativity and could possibly interrupt a certain flow as well.

I think the thing that drives me crazy is the unlimited possibilities that present themselves when creating something.  You can go anywhere, do anything.  While these endless possibilities are wonderful, they are also stressful because when you finally choose your path, you have to wonder if there was a better road out there.  Are you choosing the best possible scenario?  How will you ever know?  Art is an intricate maze of possibility.  There are trillions of ways to get out but which one will be the most gratifying?

As I write this story, there are several possibilities that are starting to sprout up.  I had originally intended the story to be about a guy who believes he is turning into a zombie.  I wanted to share the perspectives from the guy and his girlfriend.  Yet, as I wrote, I realized I was more inside the girl's head than the guy's.  It's actually turning more into her story than it is his and I don't know if that's good or bad.

I think there must be some reason why my head decided to dictate the story the way it did.  If this is my creativity taking over, should I be so quick to negate it by trying to sway myself back to my original plan?  Sometimes plans are good until you are knee deep into the situation you had so carefully planned out.  You're out in the trenches and you realize your plan no longer applies to your predicament.

The most appropriate solution is compromise.  I suppose I should put a loose leash on my outline.  I guess I'll try to follow the basic elements while allowing the story to tell itself.  I don't want it to feel manufactured.  I want it to flow.  I want the characters motivations and actions to be based on their experiences, conversations, feelings rather than just to get from point A to point B.

And the more I write, the more I'm having ideas, ideas that differ from the original plan.  Sure, that's a good thing.  There's no reason to stick to a plan if you come up with a better one but it also complicates things, causes things to have to be changed around.  Makes things messy.  Things are messy enough on their own.  And being such an amateur, these changes are scary.  My outline was safe and I felt good writing within the lines of what I knew I wanted to happen.  Exploring these new ideas, however, leave some situations open and unpredictable.

I guess I'm just scared.  Maybe this book has a lot of potential, some decent ideas, but if I don't execute it right, I'll fail and no one will ever believe I can write anything good again.  And I'll always wonder, "Well, if I would have done things differently, had the characters do one thing instead of the other, it might have made all the difference."  It's very complicated to try to unfold a story, especially when it doesn't come out how you intended, especially when you feel you've lost control of your own creation.  Then again, too much control is constricting.

All I can do is treat this first book as a learning experience.  Just get it done, make mistakes, learn from them and write another one and hope I can do better.

exquisite vampire

I just finished Breaking Dawn, the final book in the Twilight saga.

As per usual, when I watch a movie or read a book, I like to look up the reviews to see what other people thought.  Sometimes, they'll even bring up a topic about the book/movie that I'll find interesting.  It might ask a question I hadn't thought of or bring up a point that causes me to appreciate it more.  Sometimes, they might even answer a question or concern I have.

Well, the book got a lot of bad reviews.  Lots of accusations of bad writing, bad plot, bad characters...pretty much bad everything.  I started to feel bad for Stephenie Meyer because people are really trashing the book.  Not just that one, either, but the whole series.  Even though I feel bad, I can't not agree, at least somewhat, with the reviews.

Frankly, I didn't hate the book.  It kept me interested (mostly) and I was able to read it in a few days.  But, I went in having already read the first three and I knew I shouldn't expect anything groundbreaking or life-changing.  Pretty much my whole attitude toward the books have been that they are decent stories about vampires and love and that they are aimed toward preteen girls, whether that aim was intentional or not.  So, using my preteen girl mind, I took the books for what they were and enjoyed them.  They are safe, not asking you to think too much or feel too deeply.  Outwardly, they don't cause you to question people or relationships or life.  It's just good entertainment.

For some reason, it seems to me that books are judged much more harshly than movies.  Have you ever watched a Friday the 13th film and expected it to touch your heart or enrich your life?  Of course not.  The movies are just good watches.  So, why does every book, including the Twilight series, have to be a Shakespearean masterpiece?  Why should the author be punished for her imperfect prose?  I can't speak for Ms. Meyer, as I don't know her intentions while writing the books, but she probably wanted the books to be good and to touch people in their own way, but never thought they were going to be literary ambrosia.

And I'm not trying to make excuses for bad writing.  Obviously, the more crap we allow to be put into the world, the more people will absorb it and accept it and start expecting it.  We will gradually dumb ourselves down.  In fact, I'm sure we already have.  Just look at the reality television explosion.  They've replaced well written shows that could entertain, teach and enlighten.  But, I think there's different forms of entertainment out there.  I think all of those different forms of entertainment should be absorbed.  Sure, you can have some mindless fun but you should also try to educate yourself as well.  Watch a little Jersey Shore, then absorb a documentary.  Listen to Britney Spears and follow it up with some Beethovan.  Read Twilight and then check out Pride and Prejudice, which Twilight is loosely based on.

As I mentioned before, I feel bad for Stephenie Meyer.  No matter what her intentions for the books, I'm sure they are incredibly special to her, especially considering what they've managed to accomplish.  And to have people bash that must tarnish a bit of her happiness.  Then again, she's a multi-millionaire so she really shouldn't have anything to feel bad about.  Even if everyone thinks her work is crap, she's still cashing those checks.  It's just that, as a wannabe writer, I know how it is to put stuff out there and hope people will like it and when they don't, it's a let down, especially when your writing is extremely personal to you.  When people reject your work, it's almost like they are rejecting you.  And that hurts.  And, as a wannabe writer, I don't think I'm any more talented than Ms. Meyer.  So, if people think she sucks then I guess I do, too!  Of course, her books have been wildly successful so maybe that also means mine might be one day as well.  Lastly, as a wannabe writer who happens to be working on a novel, I know it's not easy to write a book.  So to be able to write something that's at least coherent and readable is an accomplishment itself.

And isn't entertainment subjective?  Not everyone is going to like the same thing.  Not everyone is going to hate the same thing.

I guess feeling sorry for Meyer is a reflection of my own insecurities.  If I ever get anything published or go the self-publishing route, I'm going to be terrified that I'll suck, that people will be repulsed by my horrid writing.  I'm terrified people will find out that I'm actually not talented at all, that I can't  handle anything more than an unorganized blog.  It's kind of funny because I actually found an editor willing to work on my novel I wrote for National Novel Writing Month and now that I've found one, I'm too scared to actually work with him.  I don't want him to read my stuff and think it's crap, that I'm crap.

I suppose I really need to get over this self-loathing.  It's starting to get tired, I know.  I can't help it much, though.  But, hey, if I could make the kind of cash the Mormon vamp lady is making, I think I'd be able to deal a lot better.  In fact, I'm sure I'd feel pretty darn good about myself.  But, it'll never happen if I never submit the story to an editor, never have the guts to put my writing out there, put myself out there, believe in what I can do and share it with the world.

I guess I gotta suck it up and take a bite out of life.

See what I did there? 

fantastic head

"Everywhere you look, everywhere you turn
Illness is watching, waiting its turn..."
-Sufjan Stevens, I Want to be Well 

My brain has been twisting like a corkscrew.

In the past several weeks, I've heard from a lot of people that I should lighten up.  I absolutely agree with their observations.  I just don't know how.  At the risk of sounding embarrassingly cheesy, it's hard to lighten up when your world is full of darkness.  Of course, that could all be a matter of perspective.  Maybe I'm making things dark for myself.  Maybe my depression is all my fault.  Maybe I am playing the victim.  But if that's the case, why am I doing it and how can I stop?

Back in college, my horse-faced counselor laid out some labels for me to ponder.  He said I put people into three categories: Victim (which is me), Executioner (which at the time was my roommate but applies to anyone I dislike) and Savior (which at the time was Chasity, one of the only people I grew close to in college, but applies to anyone I like).  He said that I played the Victim and sought out Executioners and Saviors.  I took it to mean he felt I was responsible for all of my misery, that I had somehow constructed my chronic sadness by casting characters who fit certain roles to play out my misery like it was a stage play.  Sitting in the chair, staring at this man with the mile-long face, his gray ponytail dangling behind his neck, his irregular and yellow teeth glossy under the florescent lights, I thought to myself, "It's all my fault?  It's all my fault?"

I got up, left and never went back.

I was going through the hardest time of my life and this man who was supposed to help me was just making everything worse, telling me I had brought it all on myself, that I was the one to blame.  Looking back, he very well could have been correct.  I think a lot of times I probably do make people out to be the enemy.  Sometimes I do act like I'm a victim, like the entire world is against me.  Although he might have been right, his delivery was devastating.  I was more fragile than I normally am, trying to deal with a host of changes and it seems he should have been more sensitive to my plight.  I wish he would have broke everything down for me a bit more gently.  Of course, even now I guess it sounds like I'm making my counselor sound like the enemy.  I'm not saying he was, just that dropping such a bomb in such a cold way probably wasn't the best method of trying to get through to me.

Or maybe I'm just truly crazy and anyone that doesn't coddle me winds up being an Executioner in my stage play.

Fade out.

New scene.

There are a lot of times when I feel like there is something legitimately wrong with me.  Either I have some kind of mental illness or depression or something but I am just not normal nor do I feel like I fit in with other people.  Or that maybe I was clinically depressed or repressing some kind of tragic childhood trauma that made me the way I am right now.  I was looking for something, any kind of excuse to explain why I am so dysfunctional.  There had to be a reason, a moment or phrase or person or action that shaped me into the broken person I've become.

I suppose I was really just trying to take the easy way out, seeking some disease or mental disorder to absolve me of all responsibility, a defect in my genetic makeup that would easily explain all my craziness.  But, I don't know if there is any.  I haven't been formally diagnosed with depression, although I think that might be more probable than any other explanation.  I have to wonder, though, if I don't have a mental disorder and it's not necessarily depression that makes me so empty inside, what is the cause?  Am I doing this to myself?  And if so, why?

animals are cut in two

"the same thing that happened to the animals
will have to happen to you..."
-half-handed cloud, animals are cut in two

I'm experiencing carnivorous inclinations.

Last October marked three years since I became a vegetarian.  It's been a rough three years.  Well, sort of.  There's a part of me that wants to say it's been easy because I don't really crave meat and haven't for a long time now.  But, the hard part is the alternatives.  There are very few choices for me.  Yes, I'm a vegetarian.  And yes, I don't like vegetables.

So, what does that leave me?

A whole lot of junk food.

It was easier living in Savannah.  There were more markets and more meatless alternatives out there.  Now that I'm back in this hick town, however, there's one grocery store that caters to the carnivores.  If you're not down with meat and potatoes, you're screwed.  I didn't think about my lack of food choices so much when I was back in Georgia but it's become glaringly apparent now that there just isn't anything good or healthy to eat in this town.  And this is one of the reasons why I've gained so much weight over the past year.

It also doesn't help when I go to restaurants where there are very few vegetarian-friendly choices, unless you want a salad.  Well, I don't want a salad and I don't want a bunch of tasteless steamed vegetables plopped on a plate.  Same with fast food joints.  Yes, I know I shouldn't even be going to a fast food place but sometimes, when you're hanging out with someone and they wanna get something to eat, that's the only choice there is, especially here.  So, I usually end up getting fries and a soda and then feel like garbage for the rest of the day because carbohydrates and carbonated water do not make a meal.

And this is where I feel conflicted. 

Sometimes, I just think it would be easier if I ate meat again.  Maybe I'd even lose weight.  If I could eat a more substantial meal, like chicken and fish and a nice side dish, I wouldn't feel so unsatisfied and wouldn't reach for fattening foods so much.  I'd have more options at restaurants.  Things would be easier.  But I suppose the things in life that you believe in don't always take you down the easiest of roads.  Does that mean they are worth the sacrifices?  Sometimes yes.  Sometimes no.  I guess it all depends on how strongly you feel about whatever it is you're having to give things up for.

Yet, it seems every time I start leaning toward the lean meats, I experience something that strengthens my veggie resolve.  Usually it's me witnessing one of those darn ASPCA commercials featuring the ruthless Sarah McLachlan.  She'll really give your heart a swift kick to its balls, I tell you what.  Or seeing a screen grab from PETA's "Meet Your Meat" videos on my YouTube page.  Or it's simply just me thinking about why I started being a vegetarian in the first place, how I wanted to not be a part of the ugly business of animal torture and slaughter.  Not to mention all the terrible stuff they inject into the animals that then go into you when you eat those animals.  Ugh, and if you've ever seen the infamous chicken nugget pink tube of goo picture, that should convince you to at least step back and think about what you're actually eating.

Unfortunately, during my time as a vegetarian, I've started to learn that meat alternatives really aren't that great for you, either.  I've been informed that many soy-based foods are pretty bad for you, especially the genetically modified soy.  Which is in pretty much everything I eat.  I've heard it messes with your hormones and causes estrogen production and all sorts of nasty things.  Being a dude, especially a fat dude, I already have to worry about man boobs and I don't need any help from my morning bite of vegetarian sausage.

That's if you can believe all you hear.  Of course vegetarians would tell you meat is bad for you.  Of course one mushroom based meat alternative company will tell you that soy sucks as well.   Eventually, someone else will come out and say shrooms aren't the way to go, either. 

So, if all of what everyone says is true, I'm actually screwed either way.  I can go back to meat to avoid the dangers of soy or I can keep myself-meat free to sideswipe all the additives.  The best option would be to eat organic meats that should be free of all the hormones and ground up extras like skin and eyeballs and...testicle balls.  But, as I said, I live in a hick town and those organic meats aren't readily available and the ones that are available are more expensive.  It seems hopeless.  It doesn't matter what I choose because my hormones are off and my internal faculties are most likely fried.

I just feel like if I ever did go back to eating meat, I would feel terribly guilty.  I'd feel like I failed at something, that I let myself down and the animals (yep, I know that might sound silly).  It's not like I think me not eating meat will change anything.  I know it won't.  I guess I just feel better knowing that I'm not actively participating in the torture and slaughter of animals.

For those of you just tuning in, let me say that my being a vegetarian is a personal decision.  I am not out to convert the world to vegetarianism.  I do not care if you eat meat.  I will not think less of you nor do I think higher of myself for not eating meat.  I have no problem with those who make their living raising and selling animals that will eventually be killed for food.  I don't even necessarily have a problem with animals being killed for food.  My problem is how it's done.  I don't like the fact that most animals nowadays are born into suffering until they are ripe enough to be slaughtered.  They spend their lives in filth and fear until they are rounded up and split down the middle and that's not something I can be okay with or ignore.

It's quite obvious to me that I'll need to further investigate the pros and cons of both vegetarianism and carnivorism.  It's also quite obvious to me that this will be quite the struggle for some time to come.  The funny thing is if we started farming people for food, I don't think I'd feel nearly as bad biting into a baby burger as I would a piece of veal.

Just kidding.

maybe.

tech(no logic)al

Because things can never be too easy for me, ya know?

Let's just take it from the top, although I've already mentioned a few of my technological troubles before.  So, you know that I ordered the Wacom Cintiq a few months ago.  Well, actually, before we even get into that, I had to save up for the Wacom Cintiq, which took a few months.  Okay, so a few months of anticipation while I saved up.  Then, I ordered it.

$1,999.00.

But, it was on back order indefinitely.  I really had no other choice but to wait it out because there really is no other tablet monitor that's as good as the Cintiq (that I know of).  So, I tried to do some research to find out what was taking so long on everything and there were some rumors here and there and nothing really substantial that I could really rely on.

Roughly two months of agonizing waiting later, it ships.  It gets here in two days and everything is all well and good.  Except, now I need all the software to animate with and an upgraded computer that would be able to handle it all.  I go ahead and order the software (Adobe Creative Suite 5: Production Premium) on Cyber Monday because it was the best deal I could get.

$1,650.00.

It actually shipped and arrived at my house in two days.  It was fine.  All I needed was to get my computer checked out.

So, I take my ancient Sony computer tower to a computer repair shop in town and I'm met by this ginger kid (don't salivate, Katrina Storm, I think he's underage).  I tell him my situation and ask if my computer could be upgraded to handle all the stuff I would need or if it would just be cheaper to buy a new one.  As soon as he opened up the tower, he chuckled and said the tower was no good and it would be cheaper to buy another.  He then offers to build one with the specific qualifications I would need.  Asking price?

Roughly $600.00.

He said he would need to order the parts for it and once they came in, he could assemble it in about two days.  The whole process would take about a week.  I tell him to hold off until I can conference with my mom.  Later that night, I talk to her and ask if I should go ahead or wait until I have more funds saved up.  I had just made two large purchases and wasn't sure if I should proceed with another.  She told me to go ahead since I'd need it anyway.  She then offered to go to the computer repair place after she went grocery shopping (the place is right next to the grocery store) and tell them to go ahead and do it.

I come home from work the next day and Mom says she told them to go ahead.  Great.

A week later, she calls them while I'm at work and inquires about the progress.  They tell her they were waiting for our go ahead.  Uuuhhh.  We thought we had already done that.  So, she tells them again to go ahead and do it.  So, I was kind of irritated because I could have already had it by then but there was some kind of communication mix-up somewhere in the fold.  It worried me because this ginger kid, although seemingly intelligent, seemed slightly air-headed as well.  I wasn't sure he'd do a great job assembling my computer.

And then Christmas came and I knew that would delay the process even longer.

Earlier this week, after I got off of work, Mom told me the computer repair people had called and said my computer was ready.  She went to pick it up the next day but they told her they would prefer if the ginger kid who built it would just deliver it to our home and set it up for us.  Okay, fine, whatever.  So, they made an appointment for him to deliver it the next day at 5:00.  I got off work at 4:00, so that worked out great.

Well, the next day, I get home at 4:30 and excitedly start straightening my room for the ginger kid to deliver my brand new baby.  I get a call from the computer people.  The ginger kid had an appointment in Enterprise and was running late and wouldn't be able to make it to my house that night.  He got off at 5:00 every day and I was going to get off at 5:00 the next day as well so I assumed I wouldn't be able to get it the next day either 'cause we'd both be at work and would get off at the same time.  The owner of the repair shop says the ginger kid will call me around 5:30 the next day and we'd take it from there.  Fine.

Pretty disappointed.  Pretty anxious.

So, the next day comes and I get off work and Mom says they called and for me to call the ginger kid back and he'd deliver the computer that night.  If I were able to glow, I would have.

I call him and tell him to come on over.  He says it would take about twenty minutes.  It took about forty-five because he got lost.

He hooked up the tower to the Cintiq and then installs Windows 7 for me as well as Firefox and some anti-virus software.  He also has to install a...wireless driver...I think it's called?... so I can connect to the Internet.  I didn't realize he would need to do that so when he asked if I still had the wireless CD for my current wireless device, I said I had no idea where it was.  He then tried to download one but when that didn't work, he went back tot he shop and got another, which took about another twenty or so minutes.  He also helped me install all the Adobe programs.  The process took a little under three hours.  Fortunately, my irritation/unease about his abilities slowly wore off as we made small chit chat while he camped out underneath my desk, connecting wires and opening up the new computer tower to do this or that.  Turns out, he wasn't too bad at all. 

Final price tag?

The roughly $600.00 turned into a bowel busting $735.00.

And while we are at it, let's add in the cost of a new desk on which I would be animating: $180.00.

Grand total:  $4,564.00.

Certainly quite the investment, no?  The good part is I actually have about half of it paid off already.  All of that waiting around for my stuff to show up kind of worked in my favor because I was able to keep working and earning enough money to pay for all this crap.  It certainly wasn't fun knowing how much all of this would cost.  I could have gotten braces for that kind of money or used it toward paying my student loans but what was done had to be done.  As I said, these programs and the Cintiq are top-notch and there really isn't an equivalent.  And again, it's an investment.

It's just so weird sitting down and being able to animate again.  The first night I had everything set up, I was too tired to really do anything.  I spent all the next day playing around in the programs.  They had all been updated two or three times since I graduated so the layouts were quite different.  That coupled with my craptacular memory served to hinder my knowledge of the programs a bit but hopefully with more practice, I'll get all the way to decent!

I'm not a patient person.  This whole setup has been close to a year in the making.  But, it's here and I have it all and in a few more months and a giant hit to my banking account, it will all be paid off.  But, the really hard part is next.  Now that I have everything I'm going to need, I have to do something with it.  I have to start producing some awesome work to justify the price tag.  I didn't get all this stuff for spits and giggles.  This is going to hopefully further my artistic expression and land me a good job.  That thought it quite scary.  All this time, I had to relay on other people to have this happen.  I had to wait for the Wacom company to get their stuff together and send me a Cintiq.  I had to wait for this ginger kid to build a computer for me.  But, now it's in my hands.  There's nowhere left to turn and no one to blame it on when things go off course.

It's all on me now.

I'm scared.  Nervous.  Ready.

2010 book/movie list

Last year, I posted all of the books and movies I enjoyed (or did not enjoy) in 2009.  I thought it would be nice to do it again this year!

When I listed all of the books I read, I was ashamed.  Only five.  I could blame it on being busy with school/stress etc. but there really wasn't an excuse.  So, I made a resolution to read at least two books a month in 2010.  That's twenty-four books.  Way better than five.  I thought that seemed pretty reasonable, considering my work schedule and getting back into animating.  Unfortunately, I didn't make my goal.  But, I read almost the entire year.  Some books took me two months to complete (because they were so bad) but I pushed through and the important thing was that I continuously read.

My goal for next year is to complete the Harry Potter series.  I read the first three when they came out but then I stopped for some reason so I'm basically going to have to start all over!  I know, I'm way behind but the books just look so huge and it seems like I'd really have to be in the mood to read them and my interests were always elsewhere so I have put them off but I will put them off no longer!