Yeasayer- "I Remember"
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Social Networking Niche
This is going to sound pretty lame but I have to admit I’m a little saddened by the fact that I don’t have a lot of Twitter followers and Blogger readers and Facebook friends. I know a big part of that is because I don’t actively follow people myself, read many other people’s blogs or even pursue Facebook friendships. In fact, the only reason why I have signed on to these websites is for networking purposes. I created a Facebook account a couple of months before I went to college in hopes I could get to know a few people from there so I wouldn't be so alone by the time I arrived. And as much as I think Twitter is idiotic, I signed up for it just so I could follow my favorite band, Showbread, and also so I could keep people up to date on the status of my book (which will probably never be written). Although I had an online diary for years, the community was quite small so I created this Blogger to hopefully gain more exposure. How am I going to sell books or get my name out there unless I pimp myself out on these social networking sites? No one is going to know my “talent” if they don’t know me. And while I did sign up for these sites with the intent to network with other writers and artists, etc., I haven’t really done that. I’ve signed up but haven’t sought out anyone. And I’m almost afraid to because I don’t want to look desperate. Like, “Hey! You seem cool! Check out my site and tell me what you think! KThanksBye!” I know people like that and it’s irritating. I suppose I just always hope that while I quietly write my blogs and work on my book, someone will stumble upon me and take notice and like what I do without me shoving it in their face.
But, even if I was trying to display my goodies to the masses, I’m also afraid I don’t have much to show off. I look at other people’s blogs and other people’s Twitters and sometimes I get jealous. Their followers really interact with them, really seem to care about what they have to say. And these people always have interesting things to say! And I get a little bummed out because I realize that I don’t. And I’ve noticed that some of these websites really cater to certain personality types. It’s almost as if every new trendy site that pops up seems to grab a hold of a certain demographic. I’ve broken it down for your convenience.
Myspace: While Myspace was once a great place to not only make friends, but to display your own individual personality, over the years it has become messy and obnoxious. Competing with Facebook and it’s constant need to “improve” upon things that were fine in the first place has made way for unnecessary games and gadgets. What once was a legitimate way to make and keep track of friends has now become a competition to see whose friend number is the largest. That, coupled with the fact that scenesters and skanks have taken over the site, has made it less than appealing. I’d say Myspace is now better suited for musicians and scene kids. Know how to fiddle with Garageband enough to make a semi-catchy song and auto-tune the crap out of your voice? Do you like whoring yourself out? Do you have stick straight black hair and like to take your pictures in front of a dirty mirror in your bathroom with your toiletries and toilet paper on full display? Then Myspace is for you.
Twitter: Twitter seems good if you want to follow celebrities. They like to keep you updated on their tour dates or new movie releases. And sometimes you can even get a more human side of them when they talk about things regular people talk about, like a funny joke they heard or being tired at the end of the day. Because Twitter is only good for keeping people updated on the most mundane things, it’s best for celebrities because no one cares about your trip to Cold Stone Creamery unless your Taylor Swift.
Dailybooth: If you aren’t pretty or an excellent photographer, it’s best you skip Dailybooth. So many people use that site that if you aren’t good looking, no one is going to follow you. If you don’t take interesting pictures, no one is going to care. Because my weight fluctuates so much, I always looking different. I started Dailybooth to track my weight loss and to just see how my face changes over time. Growing a beard and then shaving it off would be interesting to see, or at least I think so. If I ever got braces, Dailybooth would be a cool way to see the changes. And for some people, that’s what Dailybooth is about: chronicling changes. For others, it’s a vanity contest. Some people revel in the attention their looks bring them. And people flock to their photos. It’s also a great way to show off your photography, as I’ve seen some really beautiful pictures on that site. And for whatever reason you joined the site, if you don’t have washboard abs, big boobs and really good lighting, you’ll be lost among the other average looking people.
Blogger (And other online blog/diary sites): I think plain and simple, you have to be either a really good writer or say really outrageous things (not necessarily bad outrageous) to get people’s attention. If you’re big on reporting about pop culture, people will read you. If you relate your sexual relationships to the public, people will read you. If you write really good fiction, people will read you. If you are always getting into trouble or finding yourself in embarrassing situations, people will read you. If you're an emo kid that writes blood-stained poetry about your fifteen-year-old girlfriend that doesn't want to be with you because you don't have your lip pierced, then GTFO because no one cares. And obviously I'm not saying that what anyone has to say doesn't matter because it does. Everyone has a voice and everyone deserves to be heard but most people can't be bothered unless they are first entertained.
YouTube: Once again, it comes down to saying outrageous things. You have to be beautiful, outspoken, a comedian, a singer, or gay. If you’re none of those things, you’ll get lost in the other numerous forgettable videos.
Facebook: This one was pretty tough for me. I can’t think of a specific niche for Facebook and if anyone else can, please help me out. Facebook seems to be just about the only neutral place left that doesn’t necessarily cater to one particular group.
Once again, know I’m partly responsible for my lack of a following but I just don’t want to be lame about being known. I can’t help but to think of Heidi Montag and all the stupid things she’s done to get attention, like bringing to dry shampoo with her during an interview and spritzing it in her hair like it was the most natural thing in the world or showing up to a movie premiere with a copy of Playboy with her surgically enhanced...well, everything, on the cover.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with promoting yourself. Someone has to, right? I guess there’s just a line between doing it legitimately and doing it shamelessly. For example, if I were to go to your website or blog and you have links to your other social networking sites, that would be great. I came to you. So, if you’re offering more bits of you, then that’s fine, I'll probably check them out. But, when you come to me, enter my territory and push your property in my face in a sad attempt to up your viewership, then that’s not okay. Because I don't want to be a Branny Montag, until I can figure out a way to respectably promote myself, I’ll just keep doing my thing on the down low.
Really, what all these social networking sites come down to is if you are an interesting person or not. Whether you’re artistic or outspoken, if you have something interesting to say, sing, write or draw, people will come. And I suppose I don’t feel I’m that interesting. I’m just a dead dude who laments on the state of my everyday decay. It might be slightly out of the norm, as I don’t know of any other dead bloggers, but I suppose it’s not all that captivating. If anything, I’m just another faceless twenty-something who doesn’t stand out in any way. I’m mediocre at best. I'm not particularly funny or thoughtful. I just complain a lot.
And that worries me when it comes to my writing. If I were to ever decide to take it super cereal enough to want to make a living out of it, it brings up a lot of fear for me. I think I don't pursue networking and don't pursue writing as a career because of the fear of rejection. That fear really held me back when I was alive and it's still eating away at me now. I just think about my life and realize I have nothing interesting to draw upon. I have quite a few acquaintances with more memorable moments than I do. They should be the writers. I have nothing interesting to share. My life has mostly been boring and that isn't so much a complaint as it is an observation. It's just the way things are and that's fine but it's not going to help me write a best-seller. And I'm not creative enough to write fiction, so where does that leave me writing wise?
I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Perhaps I've inadvertently created my own niche for my readers. They always say there's an audience for everyone. So, if you're a necro-loving insomniac, hit me up. I think I can help you out.
But, even if I was trying to display my goodies to the masses, I’m also afraid I don’t have much to show off. I look at other people’s blogs and other people’s Twitters and sometimes I get jealous. Their followers really interact with them, really seem to care about what they have to say. And these people always have interesting things to say! And I get a little bummed out because I realize that I don’t. And I’ve noticed that some of these websites really cater to certain personality types. It’s almost as if every new trendy site that pops up seems to grab a hold of a certain demographic. I’ve broken it down for your convenience.
Myspace: While Myspace was once a great place to not only make friends, but to display your own individual personality, over the years it has become messy and obnoxious. Competing with Facebook and it’s constant need to “improve” upon things that were fine in the first place has made way for unnecessary games and gadgets. What once was a legitimate way to make and keep track of friends has now become a competition to see whose friend number is the largest. That, coupled with the fact that scenesters and skanks have taken over the site, has made it less than appealing. I’d say Myspace is now better suited for musicians and scene kids. Know how to fiddle with Garageband enough to make a semi-catchy song and auto-tune the crap out of your voice? Do you like whoring yourself out? Do you have stick straight black hair and like to take your pictures in front of a dirty mirror in your bathroom with your toiletries and toilet paper on full display? Then Myspace is for you.
Twitter: Twitter seems good if you want to follow celebrities. They like to keep you updated on their tour dates or new movie releases. And sometimes you can even get a more human side of them when they talk about things regular people talk about, like a funny joke they heard or being tired at the end of the day. Because Twitter is only good for keeping people updated on the most mundane things, it’s best for celebrities because no one cares about your trip to Cold Stone Creamery unless your Taylor Swift.
Dailybooth: If you aren’t pretty or an excellent photographer, it’s best you skip Dailybooth. So many people use that site that if you aren’t good looking, no one is going to follow you. If you don’t take interesting pictures, no one is going to care. Because my weight fluctuates so much, I always looking different. I started Dailybooth to track my weight loss and to just see how my face changes over time. Growing a beard and then shaving it off would be interesting to see, or at least I think so. If I ever got braces, Dailybooth would be a cool way to see the changes. And for some people, that’s what Dailybooth is about: chronicling changes. For others, it’s a vanity contest. Some people revel in the attention their looks bring them. And people flock to their photos. It’s also a great way to show off your photography, as I’ve seen some really beautiful pictures on that site. And for whatever reason you joined the site, if you don’t have washboard abs, big boobs and really good lighting, you’ll be lost among the other average looking people.
Blogger (And other online blog/diary sites): I think plain and simple, you have to be either a really good writer or say really outrageous things (not necessarily bad outrageous) to get people’s attention. If you’re big on reporting about pop culture, people will read you. If you relate your sexual relationships to the public, people will read you. If you write really good fiction, people will read you. If you are always getting into trouble or finding yourself in embarrassing situations, people will read you. If you're an emo kid that writes blood-stained poetry about your fifteen-year-old girlfriend that doesn't want to be with you because you don't have your lip pierced, then GTFO because no one cares. And obviously I'm not saying that what anyone has to say doesn't matter because it does. Everyone has a voice and everyone deserves to be heard but most people can't be bothered unless they are first entertained.
YouTube: Once again, it comes down to saying outrageous things. You have to be beautiful, outspoken, a comedian, a singer, or gay. If you’re none of those things, you’ll get lost in the other numerous forgettable videos.
Facebook: This one was pretty tough for me. I can’t think of a specific niche for Facebook and if anyone else can, please help me out. Facebook seems to be just about the only neutral place left that doesn’t necessarily cater to one particular group.
Once again, know I’m partly responsible for my lack of a following but I just don’t want to be lame about being known. I can’t help but to think of Heidi Montag and all the stupid things she’s done to get attention, like bringing to dry shampoo with her during an interview and spritzing it in her hair like it was the most natural thing in the world or showing up to a movie premiere with a copy of Playboy with her surgically enhanced...well, everything, on the cover.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with promoting yourself. Someone has to, right? I guess there’s just a line between doing it legitimately and doing it shamelessly. For example, if I were to go to your website or blog and you have links to your other social networking sites, that would be great. I came to you. So, if you’re offering more bits of you, then that’s fine, I'll probably check them out. But, when you come to me, enter my territory and push your property in my face in a sad attempt to up your viewership, then that’s not okay. Because I don't want to be a Branny Montag, until I can figure out a way to respectably promote myself, I’ll just keep doing my thing on the down low.
Really, what all these social networking sites come down to is if you are an interesting person or not. Whether you’re artistic or outspoken, if you have something interesting to say, sing, write or draw, people will come. And I suppose I don’t feel I’m that interesting. I’m just a dead dude who laments on the state of my everyday decay. It might be slightly out of the norm, as I don’t know of any other dead bloggers, but I suppose it’s not all that captivating. If anything, I’m just another faceless twenty-something who doesn’t stand out in any way. I’m mediocre at best. I'm not particularly funny or thoughtful. I just complain a lot.
And that worries me when it comes to my writing. If I were to ever decide to take it super cereal enough to want to make a living out of it, it brings up a lot of fear for me. I think I don't pursue networking and don't pursue writing as a career because of the fear of rejection. That fear really held me back when I was alive and it's still eating away at me now. I just think about my life and realize I have nothing interesting to draw upon. I have quite a few acquaintances with more memorable moments than I do. They should be the writers. I have nothing interesting to share. My life has mostly been boring and that isn't so much a complaint as it is an observation. It's just the way things are and that's fine but it's not going to help me write a best-seller. And I'm not creative enough to write fiction, so where does that leave me writing wise?
I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Perhaps I've inadvertently created my own niche for my readers. They always say there's an audience for everyone. So, if you're a necro-loving insomniac, hit me up. I think I can help you out.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Weekend
Because my (former?) work doesn't know which end is up, I decided to take advantage of their indecision and call my sister to see if I could immediately come over. I was met with some apprehension. She said she would be busy this upcoming week because she'd be having new furniture put in. I don't really know what that has to do me staying with her. I'm a big guy but I'm not going to take up the entire living room or clog up the hallways with my lard arse but whatever.
"But you can come over this weekend...or next weekend," she added.
I really don't have that kind of time, though. My supervisor could call me any day and tell me the reopening is back on. That's kind of why I wanted to be there by Saturday at the latest and stay there for at least a week, maybe even two if I could manage it. Unfortunately, my stay has been reduced to just this weekend.
"I'll drive you around and we can look at places and stuff," she said.
"Yeah, and maybe I could come back some other time and start applying," I included. She agreed. We exchanged goodbyes and I hung up.
I'll be leaving Saturday morning.
But, I don't really feel good about it.
I really wanted to go there to apply for work somewhere but I won't have time to do that if I stay for two measly days. And if I do apply anywhere, it's not like they'll call the next day. Companies usually wait a week or two to get a suitable number of applications before calling people in for interviews. I guess, really, going there won't do me any good. I'll have a vaguely better idea of the type of work I could get there but that'll be about it. Or maybe I'll just get a glimpse of what I can't have. I guess it depends on how you look at it.
My only other option now is to hope that the company doesn't open back up until I've been given sufficient time to apply. Or I could apply online and if I ever got a call for an interview, I could drive up there on my days off and hopefully stay with Shannon while there. As if driving an hour and a half to work each day wasn't bad enough, I'll have the pleasure of driving two and half hours to my sister's house just for an interview that might or might not result in a job.
It's all so daunting. I'm grasping at straws here and it's exhausting. Yet, all around me I'm seeing the kids I graduated with getting internships and jobs so easily. Location places a big part for them but it's no less frustrating. My former roommate from college got a job at another college, his own apartment and he's steadily working his way up to becoming the graphic designer for the college. Two girls that were in my classes are animation interns. Friends from high school have moved on and they've established themselves. And I'm still stuck. Even when I try to better myself, doors close in my face. I'm not saying all is lost but it certainly feels that way. I mean, I could have declined going to my sister's house but I'll go anyway. Who knows what might happen. Although I'm pretty sure I know that I'll spend a wasteful weekend there and then have to come back home to nothing.
I don't want to say it seemed like my sister was blowing me off but at first she said it was cool if I stay with her and now she's saying she's going to be too busy. It's just kind of inconvenient, especially when I'm racing against time. Any moment, my supervisor could call with the dreaded news. I swear to you, when I see his name flash on my phone, my heart drops. Every time he calls, it's never good news. I don't see how I'd be getting in the way, as I'd probably be out of her house looking for work or in her guest bedroom, filling out applications. Oh well, it's her house and it's her decision so I won't push anything.
At least she can help me with my resume. She's good at stuff like that.
Edit:
Shannon just called and said she'd rather wait until the middle of next month. I knew I detected some hesitation in her voice. This can only mean that work will call me and tell me we are on again and I will have missed my chance. I'm telling you. Slap in the face. A kick in the nuts. Another paper cut on an already infected hand.
"But you can come over this weekend...or next weekend," she added.
I really don't have that kind of time, though. My supervisor could call me any day and tell me the reopening is back on. That's kind of why I wanted to be there by Saturday at the latest and stay there for at least a week, maybe even two if I could manage it. Unfortunately, my stay has been reduced to just this weekend.
"I'll drive you around and we can look at places and stuff," she said.
"Yeah, and maybe I could come back some other time and start applying," I included. She agreed. We exchanged goodbyes and I hung up.
I'll be leaving Saturday morning.
But, I don't really feel good about it.
I really wanted to go there to apply for work somewhere but I won't have time to do that if I stay for two measly days. And if I do apply anywhere, it's not like they'll call the next day. Companies usually wait a week or two to get a suitable number of applications before calling people in for interviews. I guess, really, going there won't do me any good. I'll have a vaguely better idea of the type of work I could get there but that'll be about it. Or maybe I'll just get a glimpse of what I can't have. I guess it depends on how you look at it.
My only other option now is to hope that the company doesn't open back up until I've been given sufficient time to apply. Or I could apply online and if I ever got a call for an interview, I could drive up there on my days off and hopefully stay with Shannon while there. As if driving an hour and a half to work each day wasn't bad enough, I'll have the pleasure of driving two and half hours to my sister's house just for an interview that might or might not result in a job.
It's all so daunting. I'm grasping at straws here and it's exhausting. Yet, all around me I'm seeing the kids I graduated with getting internships and jobs so easily. Location places a big part for them but it's no less frustrating. My former roommate from college got a job at another college, his own apartment and he's steadily working his way up to becoming the graphic designer for the college. Two girls that were in my classes are animation interns. Friends from high school have moved on and they've established themselves. And I'm still stuck. Even when I try to better myself, doors close in my face. I'm not saying all is lost but it certainly feels that way. I mean, I could have declined going to my sister's house but I'll go anyway. Who knows what might happen. Although I'm pretty sure I know that I'll spend a wasteful weekend there and then have to come back home to nothing.
I don't want to say it seemed like my sister was blowing me off but at first she said it was cool if I stay with her and now she's saying she's going to be too busy. It's just kind of inconvenient, especially when I'm racing against time. Any moment, my supervisor could call with the dreaded news. I swear to you, when I see his name flash on my phone, my heart drops. Every time he calls, it's never good news. I don't see how I'd be getting in the way, as I'd probably be out of her house looking for work or in her guest bedroom, filling out applications. Oh well, it's her house and it's her decision so I won't push anything.
At least she can help me with my resume. She's good at stuff like that.
Edit:
Shannon just called and said she'd rather wait until the middle of next month. I knew I detected some hesitation in her voice. This can only mean that work will call me and tell me we are on again and I will have missed my chance. I'm telling you. Slap in the face. A kick in the nuts. Another paper cut on an already infected hand.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
30 Days of Night (2007) Review
They're Coming!
Because of the earth's tilt, the small town of Barrow, Alaska occasionally experiences thirty days without seeing the sun. I will not make a joke about how Sarah Palin is always in the dark. Oh, I just did? Oops. A group of vampires come to town to take advantage of this quirk of the earth and embrace their inner gluttons! And as you know, when you're dealing with a live dinner, sometimes the meat is hard to catch. Well, these shivering townspeeps certainly don't make it easy on the razor-toothed interlopers.
I shrugged this movie off when it was first released because...well, I'm not really sure why. But, I finally decided to check out this movie because I had two free rentals that I wanted to take advantage of and this was a movie I always said I'd watch if I could watch it for free. I'm glad I did!
For me, this movie was less like Dracula or Salem's Lot and more like 28 Days Later or 2004's Dawn of the Dead. The focus wasn't so much on the vampires but the small town Alaskan folk who have been unwillingly invited to an all you can suck blood buffet. The main characters, sheriff Eben Oleson (awesome name) and his estranged wife Stella wrangle up the last few survivors and move from shelter to shelter while waiting out the month. Eban and Stella are the most fleshed out characters. The others are pretty forgettable and there to add to the body count. The vampires are an even bigger mystery. These guys seem to have a "wolf pack" mentality, with a pretty intense looking leader who commands the rest of the bunch. And this isn't your friendly neighborhood Twilighters, either. These guys are animalistic, vicious and ugly. In fact, some of the characters looked as if their faces had been tweaked by CGI or prosthetics. Or maybe they just found unique looking actors but there wasn't something not quite right about them, sending off a suitably creepy vibe. As with any apocalyptic monster movie, the vampires are mostly background noise to the shenanigans the humans find themselves in. Oh, and lets not forget the character(s) who get(s) bitten and doesn't tell anyone until they eventually turn, put the rest of the group in danger, and then has to be shot by the hero who has a good cry over having to snub his best friend/brother/favorite uncle that lasts for approximately a second and a half until everyone moves on to the final showdown!
Acting was good. Cinematography was gorgeous. Gore was great. There's one decapitation scene that is so graphic in its realism that I had to rewind it several times with my mouth agape in awe. That was worth a rental alone. The last block did pull me out of the film just a bit. The direction went from horror to almost a comic book feel with the decision of the main character. I suppose it sort of made sense and maybe it was pulled off better in the graphic novel but it just didn't sit right with me in the movie. Fortunately, the final frames made up for it with some bittersweet gruesomeness. I honestly can't remember the last vampire film I've scene (not counting New Moon) so this was a nice reintroduction to the vamp genre.
4 out of 5.
Acting was good. Cinematography was gorgeous. Gore was great. There's one decapitation scene that is so graphic in its realism that I had to rewind it several times with my mouth agape in awe. That was worth a rental alone. The last block did pull me out of the film just a bit. The direction went from horror to almost a comic book feel with the decision of the main character. I suppose it sort of made sense and maybe it was pulled off better in the graphic novel but it just didn't sit right with me in the movie. Fortunately, the final frames made up for it with some bittersweet gruesomeness. I honestly can't remember the last vampire film I've scene (not counting New Moon) so this was a nice reintroduction to the vamp genre.
4 out of 5.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Thanks for the Cockblock, Life
“Things come and go. People come and go. And maybe some of us learn to stop caring about it. But I keep reaching out even though my hand keeps getting slapped away."
-Dead Like Me
My mom suggested that I call my sister to see if I could stay with her for a week or two and look for work. Sounded like a good idea. My sister lives close to Birmingham, which is a pretty big city with (hopefully) more job opportunities. Staying with Shannon would mean I could live in the city without having to pay rent while looking for work.
So, I gave her a call and she said I could come stay but to call her during the weekend to plan out the details because she had just gotten off work and was too tired to talk. Fine. Meanwhile, the lump is still in my throat and no smaller. Concerned, I decided to call my ENT to talk to him about my options. I was hoping I'd be able to get an appointment this week. All the other times I had made an appointment, I was able to get in around the next day or so. Not this time. The next opening was two weeks away. Crap. Would I have enough time to swing on over to my sister's house and find a job before coming back to see the ENT or should I just wait until the appointment to see where I should go with the lump treatment? Decisions, decisions.
I decided to go ahead and go to Shannon's and look for work until time to come back home to see the ENT. If I found a job, I could reschedule the appointment. If not, at least I went there and looked around and got a feel for the city. If my sister would let me, I'd even go back after seeing the ENT.
Well...
The day I was going to call my sister I got a phone call from my former supervisor from the company that shut down due to "illegal activities." He told me the company was reopening.
I shat myself.
"Could be as soon as tomorrow," he said in his gruffy Southern drawl. "Are you going to be available?"
I told him yes because, well, I was available, even if I was upset about the reopening. Because I wasn't employed, I couldn't just turn down this job.
After ending the call, I felt sick. I still do.
I hate that job. I was glad when the place was shut down. And because it has been shut down for so long and because it's still up in the air as to whether the company is legal or not, I honestly thought I was done with that place. I had closed that chapter. In fact, I had nailed that baby up. And now I'm having to pry it open again and it pains me to do so.
I had a choice. I could either decline returning to the job and go to my sister's place as planned and risk not being able to find work there or I could accept returning to the job and have some job security. As much as I had hoped I'd find work in the big city, there was no guarantee. So, if I were to come back home with no job and turned down the job at the old company, I'd be back at square one. Plus, I had to think of my mother's nagging voice in my head, breathing down my neck and riding my back until I found work. Obviously, I wanted to tell my former supervisor to shove it and go for the big city but that was too big of a risk. Plus, I knew my mom would be upset, although she claimed she would let me decide. Yeah, she'd let me decide but then she'd give me a guilt trip. There are two things my mom does best: fry chicken and make me feel like crap.
Sure, you could say, "Don't worry about what your mom thinks! It's your life!"
Well...
That's easy for you to say. Sure, I don't have to care what she thinks but I do. And as much as she might not want me to give up this job in order to pursue something potentially better, I know she'd be majorly mad that I turned down a guaranteed job. This lady has been on me ever since I was fifteen to get a job! "Next year during this time I wanna see you filling out applications!" Her disappointment is worse than her disapproval. And I don't want to live in the house with her in that kind of mood. My mom's a bit of a bitch.
The timing is absolutely horrible. Why couldn't this freaking place open back up after I went to see my sister and found a fantastic job and moved into an awesome apartment? At the very least, why couldn't it have opened up after I tried and failed to find work in my sister's city? At least then I could say I tried. At least I would have had the opportunity. But this is what happens to me. The hope for an opportunity presents itself and then it's snatched away right when I start to get excited. It always seems things like this are happening and it just brings me down.
Today comes around and my supervisor tells me to come in tomorrow at the regular time, a time I had to ask because it has been so long that I've forgotten my schedule.
I then get a call later in the day from my supervisor's supervisor asking me if I'd consider being on a different team for a different job. After explaining it to me, Itold him I'd consider it when given more information.
He called me a few minutes later and told me to come in at 7am for a meeting to discuss the new position. I asked him about the pay and he said it would be the same as I was making, which is lame.
"But you'll be handling thousands of dollars every day," he chuckled.
"Oh, well that makes up for it," I said flatly. These people are so irritating.
The worst part? It's from 4 in the morning until noon. That means I'd have to wake up at 1 in the morning to eat breakfast and get dressed before driving the hour and a half to get there. That also meant I'd have to go to bed around six in the afternoon, when the sun is still out! No bueno. I'm a night owl through and through and I usually can't function until it's at least 10am. And I'd have to work through the weekend. But, I didn't want to turn down this without seeing it through so I went ahead and agreed.
And the latest development: My supervisor calls yet again to tell me we aren't reopening tomorrow. It might be the next day or three days from now.
All this is absolutely ridiculous to me. Why can't they just keep that place closed until there is a definitive answer about the legality of the company! Stop all this wishy washy back and forth b.s. that's going down. This is why I don't want to go back. This is why I don't want to be a part of this company. There's too many politics involved and way too much garbage to sift through, not only from those who oppose the company but people within the company as well! I'll never forget how cold and uncaring the HR people were when I wanted to back out of my barback position. Not to mention all that they've asked of us without ever showing any sort of appreciation.
I just hate being put in these awkward situations and having to make these hard decisions with no guarantee of success for either choice. And most of the choices suck anyway. I'm always having to choose the lesser of two evils and mostly end up choosing the...most evil option? And as I said, when good things promise to fly my way, they go as soon as they come.
Ugh, I don't know what to do. I've got an unstable job on one hand and the hope but no guarantee of a job on the other hand. And in between trying to juggle those decisions, I have a dentist appointment and ENT appointment that I need to fit into a shaky schedule. I'm pretty frustrated right now. I just wish that darn company would hold off until I could complete my sojourn to Shannon's.
Unfortunately, the universe isn't that accommodating.
-Dead Like Me
My mom suggested that I call my sister to see if I could stay with her for a week or two and look for work. Sounded like a good idea. My sister lives close to Birmingham, which is a pretty big city with (hopefully) more job opportunities. Staying with Shannon would mean I could live in the city without having to pay rent while looking for work.
So, I gave her a call and she said I could come stay but to call her during the weekend to plan out the details because she had just gotten off work and was too tired to talk. Fine. Meanwhile, the lump is still in my throat and no smaller. Concerned, I decided to call my ENT to talk to him about my options. I was hoping I'd be able to get an appointment this week. All the other times I had made an appointment, I was able to get in around the next day or so. Not this time. The next opening was two weeks away. Crap. Would I have enough time to swing on over to my sister's house and find a job before coming back to see the ENT or should I just wait until the appointment to see where I should go with the lump treatment? Decisions, decisions.
I decided to go ahead and go to Shannon's and look for work until time to come back home to see the ENT. If I found a job, I could reschedule the appointment. If not, at least I went there and looked around and got a feel for the city. If my sister would let me, I'd even go back after seeing the ENT.
Well...
The day I was going to call my sister I got a phone call from my former supervisor from the company that shut down due to "illegal activities." He told me the company was reopening.
I shat myself.
"Could be as soon as tomorrow," he said in his gruffy Southern drawl. "Are you going to be available?"
I told him yes because, well, I was available, even if I was upset about the reopening. Because I wasn't employed, I couldn't just turn down this job.
After ending the call, I felt sick. I still do.
I hate that job. I was glad when the place was shut down. And because it has been shut down for so long and because it's still up in the air as to whether the company is legal or not, I honestly thought I was done with that place. I had closed that chapter. In fact, I had nailed that baby up. And now I'm having to pry it open again and it pains me to do so.
I had a choice. I could either decline returning to the job and go to my sister's place as planned and risk not being able to find work there or I could accept returning to the job and have some job security. As much as I had hoped I'd find work in the big city, there was no guarantee. So, if I were to come back home with no job and turned down the job at the old company, I'd be back at square one. Plus, I had to think of my mother's nagging voice in my head, breathing down my neck and riding my back until I found work. Obviously, I wanted to tell my former supervisor to shove it and go for the big city but that was too big of a risk. Plus, I knew my mom would be upset, although she claimed she would let me decide. Yeah, she'd let me decide but then she'd give me a guilt trip. There are two things my mom does best: fry chicken and make me feel like crap.
Sure, you could say, "Don't worry about what your mom thinks! It's your life!"
Well...
That's easy for you to say. Sure, I don't have to care what she thinks but I do. And as much as she might not want me to give up this job in order to pursue something potentially better, I know she'd be majorly mad that I turned down a guaranteed job. This lady has been on me ever since I was fifteen to get a job! "Next year during this time I wanna see you filling out applications!" Her disappointment is worse than her disapproval. And I don't want to live in the house with her in that kind of mood. My mom's a bit of a bitch.
The timing is absolutely horrible. Why couldn't this freaking place open back up after I went to see my sister and found a fantastic job and moved into an awesome apartment? At the very least, why couldn't it have opened up after I tried and failed to find work in my sister's city? At least then I could say I tried. At least I would have had the opportunity. But this is what happens to me. The hope for an opportunity presents itself and then it's snatched away right when I start to get excited. It always seems things like this are happening and it just brings me down.
Today comes around and my supervisor tells me to come in tomorrow at the regular time, a time I had to ask because it has been so long that I've forgotten my schedule.
I then get a call later in the day from my supervisor's supervisor asking me if I'd consider being on a different team for a different job. After explaining it to me, Itold him I'd consider it when given more information.
He called me a few minutes later and told me to come in at 7am for a meeting to discuss the new position. I asked him about the pay and he said it would be the same as I was making, which is lame.
"But you'll be handling thousands of dollars every day," he chuckled.
"Oh, well that makes up for it," I said flatly. These people are so irritating.
The worst part? It's from 4 in the morning until noon. That means I'd have to wake up at 1 in the morning to eat breakfast and get dressed before driving the hour and a half to get there. That also meant I'd have to go to bed around six in the afternoon, when the sun is still out! No bueno. I'm a night owl through and through and I usually can't function until it's at least 10am. And I'd have to work through the weekend. But, I didn't want to turn down this without seeing it through so I went ahead and agreed.
And the latest development: My supervisor calls yet again to tell me we aren't reopening tomorrow. It might be the next day or three days from now.
All this is absolutely ridiculous to me. Why can't they just keep that place closed until there is a definitive answer about the legality of the company! Stop all this wishy washy back and forth b.s. that's going down. This is why I don't want to go back. This is why I don't want to be a part of this company. There's too many politics involved and way too much garbage to sift through, not only from those who oppose the company but people within the company as well! I'll never forget how cold and uncaring the HR people were when I wanted to back out of my barback position. Not to mention all that they've asked of us without ever showing any sort of appreciation.
I just hate being put in these awkward situations and having to make these hard decisions with no guarantee of success for either choice. And most of the choices suck anyway. I'm always having to choose the lesser of two evils and mostly end up choosing the...most evil option? And as I said, when good things promise to fly my way, they go as soon as they come.
Ugh, I don't know what to do. I've got an unstable job on one hand and the hope but no guarantee of a job on the other hand. And in between trying to juggle those decisions, I have a dentist appointment and ENT appointment that I need to fit into a shaky schedule. I'm pretty frustrated right now. I just wish that darn company would hold off until I could complete my sojourn to Shannon's.
Unfortunately, the universe isn't that accommodating.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
How to Alienate Your Readers
I guess I really don't explain myself that well.
I just wanted to clear up my last post. When I had the idea to write it, I originally just wanted to say that I felt like some people weren't exactly getting what I was trying to convey in my posts. And then I got a comment on one of my YouTube videos that I felt really missed the mark. I do a lot of videos on weight loss but I never made a video explaining my background with my weight. I'm not just a guy that woke up overweight. It's been a life long struggle. And in the video, I was merely talking about my history with being a fatty and how it's impacted my life. Someone commented that "crying over being fat" wasn't going to help me out. They missed the point of the video. It wasn't me crying over being fat. It was me just saying, "Hey, this is my history of living with being big and this is what it's done to me." So, I suppose my distaste for that comment fueled the post to go in a different, more defensive direction.
The truth is, I love comments and I'd hate to know I scared anyone away from reaching out to me. It's great to know I moved someone enough to respond to what I've said or written. And I especially like it when the comments are supportive or create some kind of connection. I even welcome comments that disagree with what I've said or comments that give me constructive criticism, as long as they are written with respect toward me and my views. I'm not always right and I'm no where near perfect so I might occasionally write something that someone strongly disagrees with or something that might be out of line. I don't mind different points-of-view. In fact, I love it. You learn more that way. But when people leave comments telling me I'm "bitter, judgmental and preachy" or when they say "You annoy the hell out of me" (these are real comments that I've gotten), how is that constructive for anyone?
What I'm trying to say is please don't hesitate to comment me. Agree, disagree, praise or challenge me, that's fine. But just don't say things like "You suck" or "You're a loser," especially when your basing your opinion on something you probably don't understand. I mean, if I were to write an post chronicling the adventures of me flashing my johnson at old, unsuspecting ladies down at the Winn-Dixie, relayed my coprophilia fetish or admitted that I am a fan of Justin Bieber's music, then sure, you definitely have the right to tell me I'm going to burn in hell. But when I'm trying to figure myself out, when I'm at my most vulnerable, when I'm trying to reach out through ruminations, it's not the best time to point out my shortcomings. Yes, maybe I am a jerk and a screw up but when you say those things, you aren't helping me to get better, you're just kicking me when I'm down. You're not being helpful. You're being hurtful.
I hope that cleared up some of the confusion? As I said, it's not even the comments I get on Blogger. I don't even get that many comments on Blogger! And the ones I do get are always very kind. So, if you are reading my blog here, then I'm not even talking about you so don't worry! You're good.
And I'm bad. I know this.
So there's no need to point it out.
I just wanted to clear up my last post. When I had the idea to write it, I originally just wanted to say that I felt like some people weren't exactly getting what I was trying to convey in my posts. And then I got a comment on one of my YouTube videos that I felt really missed the mark. I do a lot of videos on weight loss but I never made a video explaining my background with my weight. I'm not just a guy that woke up overweight. It's been a life long struggle. And in the video, I was merely talking about my history with being a fatty and how it's impacted my life. Someone commented that "crying over being fat" wasn't going to help me out. They missed the point of the video. It wasn't me crying over being fat. It was me just saying, "Hey, this is my history of living with being big and this is what it's done to me." So, I suppose my distaste for that comment fueled the post to go in a different, more defensive direction.
The truth is, I love comments and I'd hate to know I scared anyone away from reaching out to me. It's great to know I moved someone enough to respond to what I've said or written. And I especially like it when the comments are supportive or create some kind of connection. I even welcome comments that disagree with what I've said or comments that give me constructive criticism, as long as they are written with respect toward me and my views. I'm not always right and I'm no where near perfect so I might occasionally write something that someone strongly disagrees with or something that might be out of line. I don't mind different points-of-view. In fact, I love it. You learn more that way. But when people leave comments telling me I'm "bitter, judgmental and preachy" or when they say "You annoy the hell out of me" (these are real comments that I've gotten), how is that constructive for anyone?
What I'm trying to say is please don't hesitate to comment me. Agree, disagree, praise or challenge me, that's fine. But just don't say things like "You suck" or "You're a loser," especially when your basing your opinion on something you probably don't understand. I mean, if I were to write an post chronicling the adventures of me flashing my johnson at old, unsuspecting ladies down at the Winn-Dixie, relayed my coprophilia fetish or admitted that I am a fan of Justin Bieber's music, then sure, you definitely have the right to tell me I'm going to burn in hell. But when I'm trying to figure myself out, when I'm at my most vulnerable, when I'm trying to reach out through ruminations, it's not the best time to point out my shortcomings. Yes, maybe I am a jerk and a screw up but when you say those things, you aren't helping me to get better, you're just kicking me when I'm down. You're not being helpful. You're being hurtful.
I hope that cleared up some of the confusion? As I said, it's not even the comments I get on Blogger. I don't even get that many comments on Blogger! And the ones I do get are always very kind. So, if you are reading my blog here, then I'm not even talking about you so don't worry! You're good.
And I'm bad. I know this.
So there's no need to point it out.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Babel
Do you ever wonder why I write so much? Do you ever wonder why everything I write is so long and superfluous? Do you ever wonder why I keep writing about the same things over and over again? It’s because I am trying to figure out myself at the same time you are. It might interest you to know that you are finding out about me at the same time I am. I learn about myself by writing. I am trying to figure myself out with each entry. And oftentimes, I don’t get it right the first time around. I can’t just write about being fat once and find peace with my findings. No, there’s so much more to explore than just overeating. I can’t just write about being lonely once. It's not just because I’ve never had a girlfriend. It’s more complicated than that. I can’t just write about being disjointed because things haven’t gone my way. My depression branches off into different directions of disillusionment. Thoughts and feelings and actions are all so complex. I think most of the things we do and think and say come from a variety of factors, not just one. Our past influences our present and our past coupled with our present influences our future. We are driven by years of experience and emotions. Every action and thought adds to our collective consciousness. And it’s been my goal to break down each one of my issues little by little. As I grow older and become more mature and experienced in life, it brings a new perspective on things, a perspective that I will then explore. For me, it's going to take a lot of growth to get to where I want to be with myself.
I often find it frustrating when people don’t seem to understand where I am coming from in my writing. I don’t want to be a “whiner” again but I sometimes feel like people don’t understand what I’m trying to convey through my writing and they take things the wrong way. Don’t misunderstand, I am basically talking about an online journal I keep on another site. I get a good bit of feedback from fellow bloggers on this site but people’s comments on my other blog are so off the mark that I wonder if they even bothered to read everything I wrote. Like I said, I understand some of my entries are ridiculously long but those are the entries that are the most important, the ones where I feel I have explored every aspect of a particular issue to the best of my current ability. Those are the ones in which I dig deepest. And those are the ones that are often the most misunderstood. I have to wonder if people feel daunted by the length and instead decided to skim. Skimming is only acceptable when it comes to milk. Skimming when it comes to reading, however, it not acceptable. You’ll miss a lot of information that way.
It's really frustrating when people bring up something in a comment that I've already explored in what I've written. They might give me a piece of advice or a few words of wisdom but it's something I've already covered. Or they'll offer me an opposing viewpoint on what I've written, something that, once again, I've already covered. I do try to see things in a variety of ways and tackle certain topics from various points of view and I often bring them up in my writing and say why I do or do not agree with that particular perspective. Yet, some people feel the need to bring it up anyway, as if I haven't already thought of it. Other times, people just miss the mark completely. They'll take a certain paragraph and focus on that, even if it's not particularly relevant to the main point of the entry.
Some people think I’m a crybaby but I don’t really see it that way. I see myself as venting. Venting comes with expressing yourself. Not everybody is happy all of the time and therefore, sometimes sad stuff is going to come out. And sure, sometimes even I seem pathetic even to myself but the difference is I keep writing, keep trying to discover who I am and change the parts I don’t like. I think I could only be classified as a crybaby if I did nothing to help myself out, if I didn’t try to change. And sure, there are times when I feel like things are hopeless and I write about that because I am expressive person and I express how I feel. If I felt any happiness, I would express that as well. It just so happens that at this point in my afterlife, things aren’t too happy.
It’s just kind of frustrating because I feel like people make these comments and judge me based on such a small portion of information. They don’t know my history or background and yet they feel they are informed enough to call me out as a complainer or pathetic and maybe they are right but they shouldn't make such assumptions based on one or two pieces of writing. And even more than that, maybe they should try to understand why I feel the way I do before dismissing me as a depressive mess.
The truth is, life sucks. It’s hard and unfair and complaining is one of the many ways in which humans cope. Complaining is helpful. In fact, if I didn't have writing as a way of expressing my feelings, as a way of purging all the pain and madness inside me, I would probably have gone "carnival freak" crazy a long time ago. If I didn't have writing, I would have gone postal at a post office or playground (disclaimer: I'm just kidding. I won't even kill a spider, much less a snot-nosed four-year-old in a chocolate milk stained Dora the Explorer shirt). Everyone complains. Complaining is healthy. People just do it in different ways. Some people are fuming and some people are funny. As for me, my writing can be dark and depressing at times while other people choose to go the humorous route, turning their everyday disasters into side-splitting monologues. But the sentiment is all the same: dissatisfaction. Comedy is complaining as well, just a type of complaining that makes you snicker instead of slit your wrists.
Perhaps there’s a fine line between venting and whining and I think that line is subjective. What some people see as a deeply introspective look at one’s self, someone else will see as weakness or whining. And here's where I will admit that I probably cross that fine line and quite often. But that doesn't mean that my complaining encompasses my entire existence. It's not as if I walk around with a thunderstorm over my head. In fact, in real life, I'm quite pleasant. Darn it, I'm even funny sometimes. And I think that's what gets me the most. The ones who don't know me in real life only get a glimpse of who I am. I am a multi-faceted person. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry and mostly I'm just weird (in a good way) and so when people just write me off as a Danny Downer, it's kind of disappointing to me. Writing just happens to be my medium for expression and if I come across as being pathetic, then I guess I can't help that.
It's almost like I'm speaking a foreign language or talking in code. I write for myself but I also write to connect with other people. Although my state of being can feel lonely at times, I know that I am not alone in how I think and feel and I know that other people who are going through this are not alone, either, even if they feel like they are. And I'm here to say, "Hey, emo kid, I'm right there with you!" But it's hard to make that connection when people don't get it. Maybe that's my fault. Maybe my writing isn't clear or concise enough. But, I do what I can. And this is the only way I know how at the moment. I mean, I can only do so much within my capacity for clarity. We are dealing with complex human emotions after all. It's not as simple as "I'm sad today" or "today was a good day." It's confusing. It's frustrating. And some people just don't understand. But as long as some people do, that's okay with me.
I often find it frustrating when people don’t seem to understand where I am coming from in my writing. I don’t want to be a “whiner” again but I sometimes feel like people don’t understand what I’m trying to convey through my writing and they take things the wrong way. Don’t misunderstand, I am basically talking about an online journal I keep on another site. I get a good bit of feedback from fellow bloggers on this site but people’s comments on my other blog are so off the mark that I wonder if they even bothered to read everything I wrote. Like I said, I understand some of my entries are ridiculously long but those are the entries that are the most important, the ones where I feel I have explored every aspect of a particular issue to the best of my current ability. Those are the ones in which I dig deepest. And those are the ones that are often the most misunderstood. I have to wonder if people feel daunted by the length and instead decided to skim. Skimming is only acceptable when it comes to milk. Skimming when it comes to reading, however, it not acceptable. You’ll miss a lot of information that way.
It's really frustrating when people bring up something in a comment that I've already explored in what I've written. They might give me a piece of advice or a few words of wisdom but it's something I've already covered. Or they'll offer me an opposing viewpoint on what I've written, something that, once again, I've already covered. I do try to see things in a variety of ways and tackle certain topics from various points of view and I often bring them up in my writing and say why I do or do not agree with that particular perspective. Yet, some people feel the need to bring it up anyway, as if I haven't already thought of it. Other times, people just miss the mark completely. They'll take a certain paragraph and focus on that, even if it's not particularly relevant to the main point of the entry.
Some people think I’m a crybaby but I don’t really see it that way. I see myself as venting. Venting comes with expressing yourself. Not everybody is happy all of the time and therefore, sometimes sad stuff is going to come out. And sure, sometimes even I seem pathetic even to myself but the difference is I keep writing, keep trying to discover who I am and change the parts I don’t like. I think I could only be classified as a crybaby if I did nothing to help myself out, if I didn’t try to change. And sure, there are times when I feel like things are hopeless and I write about that because I am expressive person and I express how I feel. If I felt any happiness, I would express that as well. It just so happens that at this point in my afterlife, things aren’t too happy.
It’s just kind of frustrating because I feel like people make these comments and judge me based on such a small portion of information. They don’t know my history or background and yet they feel they are informed enough to call me out as a complainer or pathetic and maybe they are right but they shouldn't make such assumptions based on one or two pieces of writing. And even more than that, maybe they should try to understand why I feel the way I do before dismissing me as a depressive mess.
The truth is, life sucks. It’s hard and unfair and complaining is one of the many ways in which humans cope. Complaining is helpful. In fact, if I didn't have writing as a way of expressing my feelings, as a way of purging all the pain and madness inside me, I would probably have gone "carnival freak" crazy a long time ago. If I didn't have writing, I would have gone postal at a post office or playground (disclaimer: I'm just kidding. I won't even kill a spider, much less a snot-nosed four-year-old in a chocolate milk stained Dora the Explorer shirt). Everyone complains. Complaining is healthy. People just do it in different ways. Some people are fuming and some people are funny. As for me, my writing can be dark and depressing at times while other people choose to go the humorous route, turning their everyday disasters into side-splitting monologues. But the sentiment is all the same: dissatisfaction. Comedy is complaining as well, just a type of complaining that makes you snicker instead of slit your wrists.
Perhaps there’s a fine line between venting and whining and I think that line is subjective. What some people see as a deeply introspective look at one’s self, someone else will see as weakness or whining. And here's where I will admit that I probably cross that fine line and quite often. But that doesn't mean that my complaining encompasses my entire existence. It's not as if I walk around with a thunderstorm over my head. In fact, in real life, I'm quite pleasant. Darn it, I'm even funny sometimes. And I think that's what gets me the most. The ones who don't know me in real life only get a glimpse of who I am. I am a multi-faceted person. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry and mostly I'm just weird (in a good way) and so when people just write me off as a Danny Downer, it's kind of disappointing to me. Writing just happens to be my medium for expression and if I come across as being pathetic, then I guess I can't help that.
It's almost like I'm speaking a foreign language or talking in code. I write for myself but I also write to connect with other people. Although my state of being can feel lonely at times, I know that I am not alone in how I think and feel and I know that other people who are going through this are not alone, either, even if they feel like they are. And I'm here to say, "Hey, emo kid, I'm right there with you!" But it's hard to make that connection when people don't get it. Maybe that's my fault. Maybe my writing isn't clear or concise enough. But, I do what I can. And this is the only way I know how at the moment. I mean, I can only do so much within my capacity for clarity. We are dealing with complex human emotions after all. It's not as simple as "I'm sad today" or "today was a good day." It's confusing. It's frustrating. And some people just don't understand. But as long as some people do, that's okay with me.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Oh, Septicemia
If there ever were a disease that lived on long after the body has died, I think that disease would be depression. It’s been about eight months since I perished and my sadness hasn’t let up yet. For whatever reason, I haven’t crossed over to the other side and so you’d think I’d have some sort of purpose. You would think that purpose would make itself known. And yet I am emptier than ever. And it’s perplexing to me. Why am I here? What am I supposed to be doing? Life doesn’t come with a manual and apparently death does not, either. I guess I just thought maybe I’d gain some perspective, that maybe I’d see the world through blood-tinted glasses, that something would finally make sense but I am simply more and more confused each day. It’s as if depression is a parasite that has latched on to not only my body but my mind and everything that encompasses who I am. It has dug its claws so deep into who I am that it goes beyond the physical. It has even followed me into death. And, well, that blows.
I feel very uncomfortable even using the world “depression.” It’s one of those words that’s flung around without much consideration, much like “love” and “baby.” Do we really realize the weight of these words? I think not. People get depressed when they miss this week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy. That’s not depression. That’s inconvenience. People get depressed when they find a severed finger in their soup. That’s not depression. That’s just nasty. People get depressed when they have to park at the end of a parking lot, have chapped lips, can’t zip up their jeans anymore, spill their coffee, etc. These are not situations in which depression is a proper emotional reaction. Obviously, if you’re truly depressed, any one of these situations would send you spiraling into a coma underneath your bed sheets. Then again, so would anything else, even things most people would consider to be good. But to say, “Well, I’m depressed because McDonald’s ran out of fries today” is not valid. And I have to admit that I am guilty of using the word “depressed” over things that aren’t really depressing. And I think a lot of other people do as well. And when you overuse a word, it loses it’s power. And depression is too powerful to play around with like that.
I don’t know if I’m really depressed. I mean, as long as I have a Keeping up with Kardashians marathon on and a plate of pasta, I can make it through the day. There are people who can’t get out of bed, who can’t stop crying, who can’t find any joy in any thing. And I actually often feel that way myself but I suppose I’m not depressed enough to not be able to fight those kinds of feelings. I can still function. So maybe I’m not absolutely depressed but just incredibly sad. Or maybe I’m just mildly depressed. I think we all have feelings of depression but when do those feelings turn into something more substantial? How do differentiate between a feeling and an absolute state of being? What if I’m not depressed at all but just a big whiner? Or what if my whining is justified because I am depressed? How do I find out which is which? I’m really not trying to be one of those people who cops out and blames his emotions and behaviors on depression. It’s like, “Well, don’t blame me. I’m depressed. I can’t help it.” I know I should take responsibility for my actions and my miseries. But what if I really can’t help it? Maybe I’m not to blame. Maybe I’ve been unnecessesarily hard on myself for far too long over something that I can't really control.
It’s just so frustrating not knowing who I am and why I am. What causes people to be susceptible to depression? Chemicals? Hormones? Weakness? Is it some sort of mental disorder or some kind of deformity? Is it just more proof that I’m defective, damaged? If so, what does that mean for me? Will things ever change on their own or will things always stay the same. Will they progressively get worse? Is medication my only answer or do I need some sort of divine intervention? And how would that be possible when depression is the devil that makes me doubt and deny?
I do often wonder what the world would be like medicated. I’ve heard some good (it calms you), some bad (it makes you manic) but I’ve mostly heard it just numbs you. I guess that could be good or bad, depending on your desired result. As much as I say I’m numb already, I’m really not. In fact, I feel things as if I don’t have any skin or protective barrier, as if every single word and person and image and sensation goes straight to my nerves. And I don’t want to be so sensitive but I’m not really trying to be numb, either. We say we’d rather be numb than feel the pain we are in but I think that is only said out of a response to that pain. We say a lot of things when we are hurting that we might not necessarily mean otherwise. We’ll squirm and squeal to get away from a negative feeling, to escape a sucky situation, to release ourselves from catching fire. But, really, if we all had a choice, we wouldn’t want to feel numb at all. We all want to feel happiness, peace and satisfaction.
All I really know is that I've been miserable for a long time. Throughout the majority of my life, I’ve been pretty unhappy, as if some kind of sadness set in like an infection and I simply haven’t been able to sweat out the fever, to shake the symptoms of melancholy. I can't truly define it but I know that something is definitely wrong. I’ve missed out on a lot of vital human experiences and I believe that’s why I not only feel so sad, but so disconnected from other people. I can’t comprehend relationships. I can’t fathom love. I don’t understand connections but I know they are necessary. And now it’s an uphill climb to try to attain them with simultaneously trying to overcome my disdain for my circumstances, my location and myself.
The first step is to purge this parasite, to rid myself of the regret.
Maybe I should try to vomit.
I feel very uncomfortable even using the world “depression.” It’s one of those words that’s flung around without much consideration, much like “love” and “baby.” Do we really realize the weight of these words? I think not. People get depressed when they miss this week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy. That’s not depression. That’s inconvenience. People get depressed when they find a severed finger in their soup. That’s not depression. That’s just nasty. People get depressed when they have to park at the end of a parking lot, have chapped lips, can’t zip up their jeans anymore, spill their coffee, etc. These are not situations in which depression is a proper emotional reaction. Obviously, if you’re truly depressed, any one of these situations would send you spiraling into a coma underneath your bed sheets. Then again, so would anything else, even things most people would consider to be good. But to say, “Well, I’m depressed because McDonald’s ran out of fries today” is not valid. And I have to admit that I am guilty of using the word “depressed” over things that aren’t really depressing. And I think a lot of other people do as well. And when you overuse a word, it loses it’s power. And depression is too powerful to play around with like that.
I don’t know if I’m really depressed. I mean, as long as I have a Keeping up with Kardashians marathon on and a plate of pasta, I can make it through the day. There are people who can’t get out of bed, who can’t stop crying, who can’t find any joy in any thing. And I actually often feel that way myself but I suppose I’m not depressed enough to not be able to fight those kinds of feelings. I can still function. So maybe I’m not absolutely depressed but just incredibly sad. Or maybe I’m just mildly depressed. I think we all have feelings of depression but when do those feelings turn into something more substantial? How do differentiate between a feeling and an absolute state of being? What if I’m not depressed at all but just a big whiner? Or what if my whining is justified because I am depressed? How do I find out which is which? I’m really not trying to be one of those people who cops out and blames his emotions and behaviors on depression. It’s like, “Well, don’t blame me. I’m depressed. I can’t help it.” I know I should take responsibility for my actions and my miseries. But what if I really can’t help it? Maybe I’m not to blame. Maybe I’ve been unnecessesarily hard on myself for far too long over something that I can't really control.
It’s just so frustrating not knowing who I am and why I am. What causes people to be susceptible to depression? Chemicals? Hormones? Weakness? Is it some sort of mental disorder or some kind of deformity? Is it just more proof that I’m defective, damaged? If so, what does that mean for me? Will things ever change on their own or will things always stay the same. Will they progressively get worse? Is medication my only answer or do I need some sort of divine intervention? And how would that be possible when depression is the devil that makes me doubt and deny?
I do often wonder what the world would be like medicated. I’ve heard some good (it calms you), some bad (it makes you manic) but I’ve mostly heard it just numbs you. I guess that could be good or bad, depending on your desired result. As much as I say I’m numb already, I’m really not. In fact, I feel things as if I don’t have any skin or protective barrier, as if every single word and person and image and sensation goes straight to my nerves. And I don’t want to be so sensitive but I’m not really trying to be numb, either. We say we’d rather be numb than feel the pain we are in but I think that is only said out of a response to that pain. We say a lot of things when we are hurting that we might not necessarily mean otherwise. We’ll squirm and squeal to get away from a negative feeling, to escape a sucky situation, to release ourselves from catching fire. But, really, if we all had a choice, we wouldn’t want to feel numb at all. We all want to feel happiness, peace and satisfaction.
All I really know is that I've been miserable for a long time. Throughout the majority of my life, I’ve been pretty unhappy, as if some kind of sadness set in like an infection and I simply haven’t been able to sweat out the fever, to shake the symptoms of melancholy. I can't truly define it but I know that something is definitely wrong. I’ve missed out on a lot of vital human experiences and I believe that’s why I not only feel so sad, but so disconnected from other people. I can’t comprehend relationships. I can’t fathom love. I don’t understand connections but I know they are necessary. And now it’s an uphill climb to try to attain them with simultaneously trying to overcome my disdain for my circumstances, my location and myself.
The first step is to purge this parasite, to rid myself of the regret.
Maybe I should try to vomit.
Friday, March 12, 2010
The Billets-Doux
I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower again in January. I can’t remember the first time I read it but I don’t think I was quite in the right frame of mind to appreciate the book as much as I did the second time around. It seemed to capture that period of adolescence that I miss so much, that I always want to go back and experience over and over. It was the time when all things were new and everything set your skin on fire. Reading it made me long for those days of discovery again, of that transition from innocence to maturity, that strange mix of realizing everything is imperfect and yet amazing at the same time. And of course, the various song compilations that play through the speakers of a car while driving all night long.
In The Perks of Being a Wallflower, a boy named Charlie writes letters to a person that we don't know. The funny thing is, the person who receives these letters doesn't know Charlie, either. His identity to them is just as much a mystery as their identity is to us. I found this aspect of the book pretty intriguing. And it made me think about doing something like that.
I've always wanted to do a writing project. I've tinkered with the idea of creating a fictional blog with made up characters and a story that would progress in real time. I quickly realized it's hard enough writing about myself and the sticky situations I find myself in, i.e., death, so making up an entire world of characters, their baggage and their unfolding dramas is probably beyond my scope as a writer. At least for now.
So, I thought maybe I'd just write a nice little letter and then send to it someone random. Maybe I'd pick an address from the phone book or stick it in a mailbox somewhere. And if I decided to do this, what would I write about? Would I reveal my deepest, darkest secrets? Things I wouldn't even blog about? Or should I keep it light and breezy and just tell them what's going on with me? Would I send different letters to different people or focus all my letters on one particular individual. Would this be considered harassment? Would they read these letters or ignore them? Would they find it strange or intriguing? Would I somehow make a connection with this random stranger just by exposing the same kind of thoughts and feelings we all experience? Maybe they would see themselves in me. Maybe my catharsis would be their own.
I'd have no way of knowing if they would read my letters. The only way to do that would be to ask them to write back and I'm not sure if I should do that. Might mess up the mystique of the experiment. Of course, I could have them send a response to an unnamed mailbox or something. They'd never have to know who I was. I don't know. It could be interesting!
I was looking for an anniversary card for my sister and brother-in-law today and saw a lot of awesome cards. I wondered if, instead of writing letters, I should send random cards to people. You know, one of those non-specific cards like "just because" or "thinking of you." I could write a note telling them to hang in there or let them know that someone thinks they are special. Or maybe I could write love letters, nothing sexual or too specific, just something telling them that they are loved or will find love eventually. I could write them love poems. You know, 'cause you humans like that kind of stuff, right? Then, I trembled. I shocked myself, wondering why I'd even care to do something that strangely kind. I'm not about that anymore. Maybe when I was alive and younger but it doesn't fit my pale persona anymore. Eh, who cares, maybe I'm responding to a higher calling that is beyond me and my bitterness. To perk someone up and possibly make their day better? Isn't it just the right thing to do?
I ask you, if a stranger sent you a letter or a card, how would that make you feel? If it was a letter of introspection or a card of positivity, would you feel warmed or weirded out? If they continued to send these letters, would you continue to read them or feel like your life was being intruded upon? Personally, I don't know how I'd react. I think it would all depend on the content. Naturally, if some psychopath sent me letters detailing his deadly exploits, including rape, torture and murder...I'd read on. But if someone wanted to send letters chronicling their love lives, well I'd have to put a stop to that. I don't need to be exposed to that kind of smut. But, that's just me.
Really, I think it would just be a good excuse to start hand writing again. I rarely use my journal anymore. My brain works faster than my penmanship so it's easier for me to type out my thoughts rather than write them down. Yet, I really, really enjoy hand writing. That might sound strange but I look at writing as just another form of art and I surely enjoy a beautifully written letter, both aesthetically and content wise. Ah, whatever happened to the glory days of pen pals?
I need to find myself a Charlie so we can start a correspondence.
In The Perks of Being a Wallflower, a boy named Charlie writes letters to a person that we don't know. The funny thing is, the person who receives these letters doesn't know Charlie, either. His identity to them is just as much a mystery as their identity is to us. I found this aspect of the book pretty intriguing. And it made me think about doing something like that.
I've always wanted to do a writing project. I've tinkered with the idea of creating a fictional blog with made up characters and a story that would progress in real time. I quickly realized it's hard enough writing about myself and the sticky situations I find myself in, i.e., death, so making up an entire world of characters, their baggage and their unfolding dramas is probably beyond my scope as a writer. At least for now.
So, I thought maybe I'd just write a nice little letter and then send to it someone random. Maybe I'd pick an address from the phone book or stick it in a mailbox somewhere. And if I decided to do this, what would I write about? Would I reveal my deepest, darkest secrets? Things I wouldn't even blog about? Or should I keep it light and breezy and just tell them what's going on with me? Would I send different letters to different people or focus all my letters on one particular individual. Would this be considered harassment? Would they read these letters or ignore them? Would they find it strange or intriguing? Would I somehow make a connection with this random stranger just by exposing the same kind of thoughts and feelings we all experience? Maybe they would see themselves in me. Maybe my catharsis would be their own.
I'd have no way of knowing if they would read my letters. The only way to do that would be to ask them to write back and I'm not sure if I should do that. Might mess up the mystique of the experiment. Of course, I could have them send a response to an unnamed mailbox or something. They'd never have to know who I was. I don't know. It could be interesting!
I was looking for an anniversary card for my sister and brother-in-law today and saw a lot of awesome cards. I wondered if, instead of writing letters, I should send random cards to people. You know, one of those non-specific cards like "just because" or "thinking of you." I could write a note telling them to hang in there or let them know that someone thinks they are special. Or maybe I could write love letters, nothing sexual or too specific, just something telling them that they are loved or will find love eventually. I could write them love poems. You know, 'cause you humans like that kind of stuff, right? Then, I trembled. I shocked myself, wondering why I'd even care to do something that strangely kind. I'm not about that anymore. Maybe when I was alive and younger but it doesn't fit my pale persona anymore. Eh, who cares, maybe I'm responding to a higher calling that is beyond me and my bitterness. To perk someone up and possibly make their day better? Isn't it just the right thing to do?
I ask you, if a stranger sent you a letter or a card, how would that make you feel? If it was a letter of introspection or a card of positivity, would you feel warmed or weirded out? If they continued to send these letters, would you continue to read them or feel like your life was being intruded upon? Personally, I don't know how I'd react. I think it would all depend on the content. Naturally, if some psychopath sent me letters detailing his deadly exploits, including rape, torture and murder...I'd read on. But if someone wanted to send letters chronicling their love lives, well I'd have to put a stop to that. I don't need to be exposed to that kind of smut. But, that's just me.
Really, I think it would just be a good excuse to start hand writing again. I rarely use my journal anymore. My brain works faster than my penmanship so it's easier for me to type out my thoughts rather than write them down. Yet, I really, really enjoy hand writing. That might sound strange but I look at writing as just another form of art and I surely enjoy a beautifully written letter, both aesthetically and content wise. Ah, whatever happened to the glory days of pen pals?
I need to find myself a Charlie so we can start a correspondence.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Bran's Guide to Getting Laid
Well, getting laid off.
I haven’t mentioned this before because of the controversial nature of what happened with my job but it's a pretty big shift going from full-time work to unemployed again so I guess I'd better mention it. I've avoided the topic because things were kind of up in the air for a while as far as whether things would pick back up again or not and plus it is kind of hard to talk about because a lot of what happened went over my head. It's all about politics and politics make me vomit so I don’t pay attention to that garbage. I’ll just try to simplify it to the best of my abilities.
The company I worked for offered electronic bingo machines to our customers. This raised some eyebrows because gambling in Alabama is illegal and many people thought these machines were slot machines. Slot machines=gambling=illegal. But, they weren't. The machines were evaluated and deemed to be legal according to the standards set forth for what was and wasn't acceptable. No big deal, eh? Well, the governor of Alabama didn't see it that way. He thinks the machines are illegal and assembled a task force to come in and raid the building. He did this twice. The first time, the building was shut down for a few hours before opening back up. The building didn't open up after the second time.
The governor says he's just upholding the law but he didn't start "upholding the law" until my company opened up in December. There were at least two other facilities that offered electronic bingo machines in this state and he never took any action against them. There are accusations that the governor accepted money from another casino in another state. In exchange for the money, he'd keep electronic bingo machines out of Alabama so that people would have to flock to that other state and bring them business and money. I don't know for sure that this is true but honestly it doesn't surprise me. It's all about money and power when it comes to politics and that's what makes me furious about it. No one really cares for the people they are supposedly representing or in charge of. They care about what's best for them, what's going to give them the most money and the most power and they do not care if the lesser people go jobless and homeless in the process. Obviously, that's a blanket statement and doesn't apply to every politician but I'd venture to guess this applies to about 99% of them. So, in reality, this dude doesn't care about the law. He's only trying to uphold a deal he made with some casino owners in another state.
It's a shame because this company employed well over a thousand people, a thousand people now without work, unable to support their families. It's also a shame because jobs here are virtually nonexistent. That is no exaggeration. You know of my struggles to find a job after graduating from college. And my supervisor said he was unemployed for a year before this job came along. One of my coworkers said she was one step away from welfare before she got this job. And as for me, well, I was trying to save up for animation software and equipment so I could continue working on my art and eventually get a good job. Can't do that now. And after my company closed, the other companies that housed electronic bingo machines also closed down in fear of being raided. So, that's another couple of thousand people without jobs.
Another sucky part about the whole situation was how much money the company was bringing to the town. It was supposed to benefit everyone but now no one is going to benefit except for the governor. Like I said, those were just allegations but I'm sure they aren't incorrect. When you think of all these politicians involved in gay sex scandals and illegitimate children and George Dubya, is it such a stretch to think that this man isn't looking out for his own best interests?
And the crap cake wouldn't be complete without the Christians sticking their holier than thou noses where they don't belong. They decided to join the party and protest against the electronic bingo machines because, according to them, the machines would "bring corruption and drug use to the area." News flash, it's already here! I mean, honestly, what a stupid argument. They want to carry on about corruption and yet I pass by not one, but two titty bars on the way to that job and no one wants to speak out against that? And they want to say that these machines encourage gambling addictions and to keep the machines away will keep people from gambling. I mean, if they want to use that kind of logic, why haven't we banned the sale of alcohol because having alcohol available obviously encourages people to drink, right? If just having these machines around are going to cause everyone to turn into compulsive gamblers, this alcohol surely must cause everyone to turn into alcoholics. No, it won't. Keeping these machines out of the state will not keep people from gambling. I can't tell you how many times customers came to me and said this was more convenient than going to Mississippi but that they would still go to Mississippi if this place ever closed down. I think everyone is underestimating the destructive nature of human beings. If people want to gamble, they will find a way. If they want to drink, they will find a way. If they want to have sex, they will find a way. If they want to kill themselves, they will find a way. You cannot stop someone from getting their jollies.
I have to be honest. I wasn't too broken up about the whole situation because I hated that job. Still, I feel bad for everyone who is without work and are really struggling to support their families. I don't know. I'm conflicted. In a perfect world, everyone would get their jobs back and I'd find something better. I came to find out, however, that some people have found other jobs. Remember that get together I had at the restaurant with a group of people from my job, the one where I was served a lukewarm pasta with an entire chopped up pig on it? Yeah. The girl who almost went on welfare found another job so that was good to hear. A few other people said they've also taken on other jobs but would drop them to go back to the company if they ever opened back up again. First of all, if I found another job I wouldn't even consider going back there. Secondly, how are these people finding jobs so easily? I suppose they do live in a bigger area than I do and there's slightly more work to find. Plus, they can take jobs that pay crap. I can't. Remember, I had to drive nearly two hours into that town where the job was located. The only reason I did that was because it paid well enough to cover my gas. I can't do that on minimum wage because my entire paycheck would go into gas. So, I'm stuck again.
The funny thing is I left that stupid technical support job to come to this job. A week after I quit, everyone on my team was laid off. It made me feel not so bad for quitting and I really thought I had dodged a bullet there. Turns out I had dodged one bullet only to step into another. And during the group get together at the restaurant, the lady sitting next to me said she was probably going to go back to her old job at Movie Gallery. I had just applied to work there so I was interested in asking her if she enjoyed working there. She said she did but she wasn't sure if it would work out. I asked why and she said Movie Gallery was filing for bankruptcy. Well, crap. It seems everywhere I turned, jobs were folding all around me. From the technical support job to the electronic bingo job and it's even spread to jobs that I was interested in pursuing! I even got an e-mail from the head of the website I was writing for saying they were going on a hiatus and he didn't know if they'd be returning. Heck, I'm even getting laid off from my volunteer work! Wtf.
This whole situation just really motivates me to get out of here. It's very obvious to me that this place is definitely caving in and things won't get any better. Any time there's progress, people like religious zealots and greedy politicians stick their fingers in and screw it up. Either that, or I mess it up myself. I just hope that I don't bring my trend of taking down companies with me wherever I go.
I'm gonna move away for sure. All I need is two supportive parents, a couple of thousand dollars and the bravery needed to step out past this backwoods bubble.
Someone come save me?
I haven’t mentioned this before because of the controversial nature of what happened with my job but it's a pretty big shift going from full-time work to unemployed again so I guess I'd better mention it. I've avoided the topic because things were kind of up in the air for a while as far as whether things would pick back up again or not and plus it is kind of hard to talk about because a lot of what happened went over my head. It's all about politics and politics make me vomit so I don’t pay attention to that garbage. I’ll just try to simplify it to the best of my abilities.
The company I worked for offered electronic bingo machines to our customers. This raised some eyebrows because gambling in Alabama is illegal and many people thought these machines were slot machines. Slot machines=gambling=illegal. But, they weren't. The machines were evaluated and deemed to be legal according to the standards set forth for what was and wasn't acceptable. No big deal, eh? Well, the governor of Alabama didn't see it that way. He thinks the machines are illegal and assembled a task force to come in and raid the building. He did this twice. The first time, the building was shut down for a few hours before opening back up. The building didn't open up after the second time.
The governor says he's just upholding the law but he didn't start "upholding the law" until my company opened up in December. There were at least two other facilities that offered electronic bingo machines in this state and he never took any action against them. There are accusations that the governor accepted money from another casino in another state. In exchange for the money, he'd keep electronic bingo machines out of Alabama so that people would have to flock to that other state and bring them business and money. I don't know for sure that this is true but honestly it doesn't surprise me. It's all about money and power when it comes to politics and that's what makes me furious about it. No one really cares for the people they are supposedly representing or in charge of. They care about what's best for them, what's going to give them the most money and the most power and they do not care if the lesser people go jobless and homeless in the process. Obviously, that's a blanket statement and doesn't apply to every politician but I'd venture to guess this applies to about 99% of them. So, in reality, this dude doesn't care about the law. He's only trying to uphold a deal he made with some casino owners in another state.
It's a shame because this company employed well over a thousand people, a thousand people now without work, unable to support their families. It's also a shame because jobs here are virtually nonexistent. That is no exaggeration. You know of my struggles to find a job after graduating from college. And my supervisor said he was unemployed for a year before this job came along. One of my coworkers said she was one step away from welfare before she got this job. And as for me, well, I was trying to save up for animation software and equipment so I could continue working on my art and eventually get a good job. Can't do that now. And after my company closed, the other companies that housed electronic bingo machines also closed down in fear of being raided. So, that's another couple of thousand people without jobs.
Another sucky part about the whole situation was how much money the company was bringing to the town. It was supposed to benefit everyone but now no one is going to benefit except for the governor. Like I said, those were just allegations but I'm sure they aren't incorrect. When you think of all these politicians involved in gay sex scandals and illegitimate children and George Dubya, is it such a stretch to think that this man isn't looking out for his own best interests?
And the crap cake wouldn't be complete without the Christians sticking their holier than thou noses where they don't belong. They decided to join the party and protest against the electronic bingo machines because, according to them, the machines would "bring corruption and drug use to the area." News flash, it's already here! I mean, honestly, what a stupid argument. They want to carry on about corruption and yet I pass by not one, but two titty bars on the way to that job and no one wants to speak out against that? And they want to say that these machines encourage gambling addictions and to keep the machines away will keep people from gambling. I mean, if they want to use that kind of logic, why haven't we banned the sale of alcohol because having alcohol available obviously encourages people to drink, right? If just having these machines around are going to cause everyone to turn into compulsive gamblers, this alcohol surely must cause everyone to turn into alcoholics. No, it won't. Keeping these machines out of the state will not keep people from gambling. I can't tell you how many times customers came to me and said this was more convenient than going to Mississippi but that they would still go to Mississippi if this place ever closed down. I think everyone is underestimating the destructive nature of human beings. If people want to gamble, they will find a way. If they want to drink, they will find a way. If they want to have sex, they will find a way. If they want to kill themselves, they will find a way. You cannot stop someone from getting their jollies.
I have to be honest. I wasn't too broken up about the whole situation because I hated that job. Still, I feel bad for everyone who is without work and are really struggling to support their families. I don't know. I'm conflicted. In a perfect world, everyone would get their jobs back and I'd find something better. I came to find out, however, that some people have found other jobs. Remember that get together I had at the restaurant with a group of people from my job, the one where I was served a lukewarm pasta with an entire chopped up pig on it? Yeah. The girl who almost went on welfare found another job so that was good to hear. A few other people said they've also taken on other jobs but would drop them to go back to the company if they ever opened back up again. First of all, if I found another job I wouldn't even consider going back there. Secondly, how are these people finding jobs so easily? I suppose they do live in a bigger area than I do and there's slightly more work to find. Plus, they can take jobs that pay crap. I can't. Remember, I had to drive nearly two hours into that town where the job was located. The only reason I did that was because it paid well enough to cover my gas. I can't do that on minimum wage because my entire paycheck would go into gas. So, I'm stuck again.
The funny thing is I left that stupid technical support job to come to this job. A week after I quit, everyone on my team was laid off. It made me feel not so bad for quitting and I really thought I had dodged a bullet there. Turns out I had dodged one bullet only to step into another. And during the group get together at the restaurant, the lady sitting next to me said she was probably going to go back to her old job at Movie Gallery. I had just applied to work there so I was interested in asking her if she enjoyed working there. She said she did but she wasn't sure if it would work out. I asked why and she said Movie Gallery was filing for bankruptcy. Well, crap. It seems everywhere I turned, jobs were folding all around me. From the technical support job to the electronic bingo job and it's even spread to jobs that I was interested in pursuing! I even got an e-mail from the head of the website I was writing for saying they were going on a hiatus and he didn't know if they'd be returning. Heck, I'm even getting laid off from my volunteer work! Wtf.
This whole situation just really motivates me to get out of here. It's very obvious to me that this place is definitely caving in and things won't get any better. Any time there's progress, people like religious zealots and greedy politicians stick their fingers in and screw it up. Either that, or I mess it up myself. I just hope that I don't bring my trend of taking down companies with me wherever I go.
I'm gonna move away for sure. All I need is two supportive parents, a couple of thousand dollars and the bravery needed to step out past this backwoods bubble.
Someone come save me?
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The Crazies (2010) Review
Fear Thy Neighbor.
Things get a little less boring in the sleepy town of Ogden Marsh when a certain nasty something swims its way into the population's drinking water, turning everyone into raving lunatics. Then, the military pops in to clean up their mess but it only complicates things for the uninfected who try to escape.
Another case of a trailer misleading the audience into thinking a movie is going to be something it's not. My impression was that it was going to be another 2004’s Dawn of the Dead/28 Days/Weeks Later type of movie with crazy people running around ripping everyone apart. Not so much. Instead, we have a small group of people whose main rivalry erupts between them and the military coming that’s barged in and trying to fix the situation. The crazies really just act as a backdrop to the government shenanigans taking place.
The film starts out with a small town baseball game. Things are going along fine until a presumably intoxicated man storms the baseball field with a shotgun. Sheriff David confronts the man, resulting in his death. While definitely an odd occurrence, everyone writes off the man’s actions as a drunken incident. That is, until another family is attacked. And then all communication is cut off. And that is about the extent of the madness before the military come, round everyone up and split them into two groups: infected and uninfected. David is deemed safe while his wife, Judith, is put into the sick bunch. From there, David makes his way through the military and the madness to find his wife, picking up various uninfected and escapees during his trip. Does he find his wife or has she gone crazy? Will he even survive the journey? And in the end, what will David and the survivors do in a town full of crazies and a ruthless army of troops whose sole mission is to take out the entire population?
I have not seen the original nor do I plan to. The trailer for the original looks absolutely abysmal and therefore I’m not interested. And I call myself a hardcore horror fan? Ha! So, I’m judging this baby based on this film alone…and I guess the expectations I had after viewing the trailer. I have to admit I was slightly disappointed by the lack of actual crazies and crazy chase sequences that went down. Now, that’s not to say there aren’t interactions with some of the crazy inhabitants of the town but these get downs only consisted of about two to three crazies at a time. The action is intimate and in your face and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that but I was hoping for something a bit more epic and wider in scope. For example, in the trailer, you see a horde of people smashing down a gate and running free. That image captured that epic scope that I hoped would carry throughout the film. While I was hoping those people would smash through the gate and then run amok among the townspeople, unfortunately those people were only suspected of being infected and were just trying to escape their imprisonment to find their love ones. Not exactly the blood quenching scene I was expecting it to be. And when the town is overrun with the crazies, we are only given the carnage after the fact in the form of empty streets and burned cars.
If you’ve seen Dawn of the Dead or the 28 movies, then you’ve seen The Crazies. Humanity goes down the drain, the government intervenes, the government fails, a small group of people try to find refuge, they pick up a few survivors along the way, someone gets bit/gets sick, one dimensional characters die after having about fifteen minutes of screen time and then the end leaves enough room for fifteen more sequels, each one worse than the other. That’s not to say that the action wasn’t tense because it was. That’s not to say that the deaths weren’t gritty and gruesome because they were (although not explicitly gory). That’s not to say that the film was boring because it wasn’t. I guess I just feel like the action was more between David and the military rather than him against the crazies, although he does run into quite a few.
I liked the film. I probably say that as a hardcore zombie/mass murder movie junkie. I'll pretty much enjoy anything resembling a zombie-themed genocide. At the same time, that’s where my slight disappointment comes in. My main beef with the film was the lack of crazies, the lack of people going insane and taking out their families, friends and neighbors in gruesome ways. I guess it's just that the setup was great but never thoroughly explored. I guess when the film is called The Crazies, you expect to see some! Well, more than the two to three that appeared at a time. On top of that, there were a few plot holes that came to mind after some reflection. Other than that, I think it was a solid movie.
3 out of 5.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Southern Snow
Holy crap, it snowed last month! This is unheard of in my town and I think it hasn't snowed here since 1993! And even then it was light and wimpy snow. This stuff was legit, although there wasn't too much of it. It was still a nice sight to see! Let me share with you my backyard, y'all:
Monday, March 1, 2010
Give to Charity, A-Holes!
I thought I would start this month off right by trying to do something good. As you all know, we've had some epic disasters in the world lately, the most recent ones being the earthquakes that struck Haiti and Chile. I'm going to provide some links that you can use to donate to help fund the relief efforts there.
Red Cross
World Vision
Doctors Without Borders
Unicef
The Salvation Army
And while you've got your wallet out, how about taking a look at these great causes:
Love Harder
Multiple Myeloma is a cancer of the white blood cells and it's a nasty beast. Donating will help fund research and hopefully a future cure. I learned about Love Harder from the wonderful and talented Stacie. This one is pretty cool because, to the best of my understanding, this was set up within the blogging community. Correct me if I'm wrong, Stacie!
ASPCA
Come on! It's aminals. Your monies will help make sure they don't get get beaten up by bad, bad people.
Self-Injury Support
Because today is Self-Injury Awareness Day, it's only appropriate that I include a wonderful girl named Christie and her advocacy of self-injury and mental health awareness. I know her personally and am always impressed by her outspoken nature and passion for debunking the myths and stigma of self-injury. Most of us know of at least someone who battles self-injury and yet I think it's something that's often either kept secret or not taken seriously. Because of this, there are a lot of misconceptions and speculations about people who self-injury and that's the beauty of Christie. She educates those who don't understand and supports those that do. She brings together everyone, from those that deal with self-injury to those who have friends or family that to do those who don't get it at all and she informs, educates and inspires. I've provided a link to her very successful YouTube channel, which is her main platform for speaking out about self-injury. From there, you can find helpful links, including her up and coming self-injury support website!
During these economic times, no one expects you to give much. Your little bit and my little bit creates a large bit. I'm sure you can find a five dollar bill on the pocket of those pants you haven't worn in a few months or a couple of coins between the cushions of your couch. Also, it wouldn't hurt you to give up your Starbucks for one day and use that money for a better cause. Plus, think of all that sugar you'll be skipping out on. Everyone benefits!
I've made my donations and I'm not even human! But you are and that means you have a heart so use it, dang it. Spread that love that you all keep yapping on about.
Do it!!
Red Cross
World Vision
Doctors Without Borders
Unicef
The Salvation Army
And while you've got your wallet out, how about taking a look at these great causes:
Love Harder
Multiple Myeloma is a cancer of the white blood cells and it's a nasty beast. Donating will help fund research and hopefully a future cure. I learned about Love Harder from the wonderful and talented Stacie. This one is pretty cool because, to the best of my understanding, this was set up within the blogging community. Correct me if I'm wrong, Stacie!
ASPCA
Come on! It's aminals. Your monies will help make sure they don't get get beaten up by bad, bad people.
Self-Injury Support
Because today is Self-Injury Awareness Day, it's only appropriate that I include a wonderful girl named Christie and her advocacy of self-injury and mental health awareness. I know her personally and am always impressed by her outspoken nature and passion for debunking the myths and stigma of self-injury. Most of us know of at least someone who battles self-injury and yet I think it's something that's often either kept secret or not taken seriously. Because of this, there are a lot of misconceptions and speculations about people who self-injury and that's the beauty of Christie. She educates those who don't understand and supports those that do. She brings together everyone, from those that deal with self-injury to those who have friends or family that to do those who don't get it at all and she informs, educates and inspires. I've provided a link to her very successful YouTube channel, which is her main platform for speaking out about self-injury. From there, you can find helpful links, including her up and coming self-injury support website!
During these economic times, no one expects you to give much. Your little bit and my little bit creates a large bit. I'm sure you can find a five dollar bill on the pocket of those pants you haven't worn in a few months or a couple of coins between the cushions of your couch. Also, it wouldn't hurt you to give up your Starbucks for one day and use that money for a better cause. Plus, think of all that sugar you'll be skipping out on. Everyone benefits!
I've made my donations and I'm not even human! But you are and that means you have a heart so use it, dang it. Spread that love that you all keep yapping on about.
Do it!!
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