book notes #5

I decided to go ahead and use the free proof copy on the novel I wrote for National Novel Writing Month last year.  I didn't have time to edit it or even read over it but, as I mentioned, I thought it might be interesting to print it out just as it was written to see what I could do in such a short length of time.  Then, later on if I decide to edit it seriously, I can resubmit the novel and have it printed out again.  Then, I can compare the first draft to the final product.

The process was incredibly easy.  You just upload the work as a PDF, upload a cover or use their cover creator program, obtain an ISBN number and submit it.  They have to approve all the files before they are ready for you to order the proof.  They said it could take up to 48 hours but I think mine was done in a day.  I ordered the proof copy, put in my discount code and got it for free.  It's usually around 7 dollars plus 3 dollars shipping but I only had to pay the shipping.  And in a few short days, it arrive in my mail!

I would have liked to have created my own cover but as I was pressed for time and running against the free proof expiration, I decided to go ahead and use the websites cover creator.  So, it's not really what I envisioned it looking like (I don't even know what I would envision it looking like) but I think it came out quite nice.  The overall quality is pretty good, too.  For the record, I'm no book aficionado but it looks just as good as something you can pick up at Barnes & Noble.  So, I'm pretty happy with the end result.  I'd be even happier if the book were entirely finished and I had my own cover but to have a physical copy of my first book practically for free, I'm pretty pleased.

job prospect paralysis, part II

I walked around with heartburn all day because of the job situation.  I wasn't sure whether or not I should take it.  The good parts sounded really good and the bad parts sounded really bad.  It felt like a combination of my two job prospects I have had in the past:  doing really well during the interview for the electric company and wondering if I should take the supervisor position at my current job.

It was really weird how this new opportunity mirrored the previous one with the electric company.  Both jobs came out of the blue.  I rocked both interviews.  And, as it turns out, neither one of them called me back.  The only difference was I really wanted the one at the Electric Cooperative.

I'm left kind of confused.  Perhaps I'm totally off but like I said, I think I did really well in the interview.  I made her laugh.  I was charming and acted interested.  She said it was obvious I had the customer service part down.  So, what went wrong?  I was supposed to get a call yesterday for a second interview over the phone but when I didn't, I thought maybe the lady had gotten behind and she'd ring me today.  She didn't.  I can't say I'm too upset about it because I was going to turn her down anyway.  What really clenched the decision for me was the fact that my current job said they wouldn't work with the new job's schedule, even though they will work around anyone else's.  I always thought I'd have the old job to fall back on if the new one didn't work but I just can't risk quitting one job and taking another with no stability.

Although I didn't want to take the job, I didn't want to have to tell her.  I just thought if she didn't call, I wouldn't have to worry about having that awkward exchange.  Then again, if she didn't call, that would mean I wasn't good enough or qualified enough for them, which would be pretty upsetting.  So, I realized, yes, I did want her to call.  It would show I was good enough, that someone actually wanted me.  But, I guess I wasn't.  I guess they didn't.

There's always the chance she could call tomorrow but that would mean she was terribly behind schedule and I just don't see it happening.  Of course, if she did call it would make me feel better about my qualifications but I think the chances of that are slim.

As I said, I'm not upset about not getting the job but I am a little disappointed that I lost out on another opportunity.  When you send out applications and resumes constantly and never hear anything back, it's disheartening.  And when you finally do snag that interview and when you are amazing and then you still don't get it, it's even more miserable.

While I'm slightly deflated, I'm also relieved.  At least I don't have the stress of trying to make a decision and the stress of worrying if I'd make the wrong one.  Seems like the choice was made for me.  Now, I can go back to hating my current job, which continues to get worse.

Speaking of, my supervisor is retiring and I'm worried she'll be replaced with someone unsavory.  And the air conditioning was damaged a few weeks ago and the already hot building is now sweltering.  I've always complained about being hot 'cause I'm just naturally a fat, sweaty guy and when I get stressed out or nervous (which is all the time) it makes me even hotter.  So, imagine how I feel now that the air conditioning isn't working.  Everyone has been complaining and I'm like, "Well, now you all know what I've been talking about this whole time."  Except they really don't because now I'm still hotter than they are 'cause now I'm twice as hot.  It certainly doesn't help the rumors that the place is actually a doorway to hell with demons shooting out and taking the guise of disgruntled customers.

job prospect paralysis

I was at work like usual when a guy came over to exchange a shirt.  He has come in several times before and I knew his face but not his name.  He always seemed pretty nice but we never engaged in conversation.  Yet as I was ringing up the transaction, he started talking to me.

"Do you work full time?" he asked.

"No," I replied.

"Are you a student?"

"Nope," I replied.

"Oh, okay.  Well, I work for the cell phone company across the street and you're always so good with me and customer service oriented and we're hiring right now if you might be interested in applying."

This kind of caught me off guard and I wasn't sure how to react.  So, I told him I'd come in and pick up an application.  He left and left me with a lot of swirling questions in my mind.

I had actually researched the company in the past and I hadn't heard great things.  But, I hate my current job and really wanted to get out.  I had put in applications at other places and hadn't heard anything.  Nothing was panning out and this guy just randomly walks in and asks me if I'd want to work there.  There was a part of me that wondered, "Was that some sort of sign?"  Stuff like that just doesn't happen often.  And jobs just are not easy to get around here.  There's no where to work and the places that are decent aren't hiring because everyone is hanging on to those decent jobs.

But, then I remembered I can't for the afterlife of me differentiate between intended and incidental.

I got off work and walked into the store and the guy was there with an application for me.  He even introduced me to his manager.  She shook my hand and asked if I'd like to come in the next day for an interview.  Whoa.  Everything was going so fast.  I kind of stumbled and then agreed.

From the time the guy asked me about joining him up to the interview, my stomach was in knots.  I had heartburn the entire day because I was so worried about it.  I wasn't too concerned with doing well during the interview but accepting a job offer if it was given to me.  What should I do?  Everything was happening faster than I could process.  I had resigned myself to the fact that I would probably still be at the retail store for a long time and if and when I did leave, it would be on my own terms.  Plus, I had hoped my next job would be free of the public.  This wasn't free of the public.  But, there was a hope of something better.  Because I had so many questions, and reservations, about what was going on, I thought I might feel better about what I wanted to do after the interview.

As I was waiting to be interviewed, the guy who offered me a chance at the job came up to me and said, "She told me a lot of the interviewees were pretty low energy so try to pep it up, okay?"  I thought that was pretty nice that he had told me that.  I wondered if he was rooting for me specifically.

The interview went so well.  I wouldn't have went back and changed a thing.  I was charming, personable, made the lady laugh.  We talked about the job, cell phones and computers, Apple vs. Droid, and even a bit of personal stuff.  It lasted over two hours.  I felt my chances were pretty good once I left but I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do.  I didn't necessarily feel worse about it but I didn't feel better.  I had hoped the interview would be the decision maker but I still felt just as hazy as ever.

My main concern is having to meet and exceed quotas.  You get a commission, which is nice if you sell enough devices, new lines and accessories but if you miss the quota, you're given a warning, written up if you miss again and then fired if you miss a third time.  So, when things are good, they are really good.  When they are bad, you're canned.  I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle that.  They tried to make me feel better by saying no one hadn't made their goals and they helped each other out if anyone got behind but that's all good for them but I'm not a salesman.  I don't like trying to get people to do or buy something they don't want to, even if I'm not being pushy, only persuasive.  I still don't like it.  Plus, I just don't want to deal with people.

One of the other iffy things she said was that I'd have to follow up with customers to see if they were satisfied with their phones and plans.  I don't really want to invest that kind of time or energy into some stranger who I could care less about.  I guess that's the point, though, to turn those strangers into clients who come back and come to me when they need to spend more money.  Eh, I just don't care, though.

But what really freaks me out is the quotas.  I have quotas at my current job but management is pretty relaxed about people meeting them.  It's encouraged but not enforced so it's not really stressful.  I just feel like, with my messed up mind and the way I worry about so many things, big and small, that I would constantly be stressed out trying to meet the quotas.  I'm already a stressed out guy in general and my current job makes it worse but at least my job isn't in jeopardy.  I have job security where I am now, even thought I hate it.  They'll have me as long as I want to be there.  So, why would I want to throw that away for a job that I might fail at miserably?  For a (possibly) better work environment?  For better pay?  For commission?  Is it worth it?

I just don't know.

If I were a normal person with any kind of confidence, I'm sure I wouldn't hesitate to take the job.  It's way more money, which is important.  But, what really matters?  Money or madness?  I just hate that my insecurities have crippled my life and my decisions.  And because I tend to make the wrong decisions, I'm sure whatever I decide will be completely wrong.

Who knows, I might not even get it.  I still have to go through a second interview.  I almost think it would be easier if I didn't get it.  At least I wouldn't have to make that agonizing decision on whether I should take the job or not.  The decision would be made for me.

book notes #4

I decided to switch it up and begin working on my memoir instead of the novel I wrote for National Novel Writing Month.  I can't seem to focus on one project and stick with it until it's finished, which is making me pretty crazy.   I realized my free proof copy of my novel expires the 30th of this month so that motivated me to start writing again.  The thing is there's no way I'll have it ready by that time so I thought I'd dust off the old memoir and see if I could finish that and use my free copy to print that out instead of the novel.  As I was organizing the notes and chapters I had printed out, I realized how little I had accomplished over the past four-something years.  I have about 92 chapters planned out (don't worry, each chapter is only a page or two) but I had only made it to chapter twelve.  Four years for twelve chapters?  Whoosh.

So, I started working on the memoir again and pumped through several chapters in a couple of days.  I was making good progress.  But as I looked over my source material, I was dismayed to find that a lot of what I wrote back then does not reflect how I feel about those certain topics today.  That's not necessarily a bad thing as it has been many years ago and my opinion on certain things is bound to change, for better or worse.  The bad part about it is that it's hard for me to tap into those feelings so that I can express them in writing.  Because I don't really feel that way anymore, it's almost as if I'm reading a stranger's notes instead of my own.  I almost feel as if I have to go backward and experience certain events again from that old perspective so I can accurately document my head and heart positions at the time.  It's slowing the process down quite significantly and it's also hard to keep myself from injecting my new views in the mix.

I worry that once people read the book, they might get the impression that those feelings and beliefs and value systems are ones that I still hold today, thus misrepresenting me.  I suppose it wouldn't be so horrible because I did feel these things at one time so it's not as if it's false but I also feel I've moved past those certain ways of thinking.  Of course, they weren't necessarily bad ways of thinking.  They were just different.  But no matter what people will think of me, the book needs to be written.  It's something that I think will haunt me until I can sort it all out and write it all down.

My last problem is I don't think I'll finish the memoir, either.  At least, not in time to beat my free copy expiration.  I don't want to pass up that free proof copy so I don't know what to do.  Because I won't finish the memoir, I thought about switching back to the novel and just trying my best to polish it up before it was time to submit.  Of course, it wouldn't be the final version.  Just 'cause I had it printed doesn't mean the story would be set in stone.  I also entertained the idea of not even touching it and just submitting it the way it is now, rough but ready.  That way, I could say, "Hey, look what I accomplished in 30 days."  Then, once I am ready to revise, I'll have a good foundation to start from.

Whatever I decide to do, I'm probably going to be pretty busy for the next month in preparation for printing.  So, it's likely I won't write very much for the rest of this month.  Or maybe I will.  I guess it depends on how deeply something is affecting me.

I'm very excited to have a hard copy of my words.  Even if it's just one illegitimate copy.  I just need to experience that tactile tantalization.

christianitease

"I searched for God, No answer came
Just the victim of dying love
Take my sins away..."
-Aiden, ReEvolver

Sometimes, it feels like Christianity is nearly unattainable.  One of the biggest goals in the religion is to be Christ-like, which includes being kind to everyone, including friends, neighbors, even your enemies.  It's really all about being humble and showing love to everyone.  And for me, someone who pretty much dislikes people as a whole, someone who doesn't believe in love anymore, this is problematic.

I don't want to act like I've seen the worst humanity has to offer because I know that is not the case but I have seen a lot of rude and disrespectful people in my time.  Working in retail, I see it every single day.  I know it might sound silly to develop an opinion on mankind based on discourteous customers but it really does add up over time.  It all comes back to my paper cut concept, how small annoyances or missteps don't seem like a big deal when dealt with separately.  It's only when it all builds up within you, stacking sickness upon setbacks until it swells into insanity.  And in retail, you really see how selfish, rude, uneducated and unwashed people can be.  It doesn't help that my fellow employees are just about as bad as the customers.  And while one bad person can ruin my day, a collection of crass (and oftentimes crusty) customers can ruin my entire outlook.  It would be different if I had a rude interaction every once in a while but it is all day, every day.  I'm pretty sure that will wear on anyone after a while, no matter how cheerful they believe themselves to be.

Yet, God, and my employer, command that I be nice to these people, that I treat them with kindness and respect, although they ignore my greetings, destroy my perfectly folded shirts and berate me when they aren't given the type of discounts they believe they are entitled to.  And I am nice in the face of their fury.  But I don't like it.  I wish I could call people out on their nasty behavior, put them in their place and even give them a good smack, something to rattle them out of their rudeness.  But I can't and it probably wouldn't make a difference anyway.  All of this is coming after a tragic time in college where my perceptions of people were originally shattered.  Now, those broken perceptions are ground into my face daily.

It's hard to look an a-hole in the eye (no pun intended) and be generous.  Yet, that's what we are supposed to do.  But it's easier to be negative, to be rude and hateful and angry just like everyone else.  It almost feels natural.  And in a way, I suppose it is.  We all fall short of the glory of God.  We are all born sinners.  It is who we are.  As Christians, we are constantly told we are only worthy of hell and it is through God's grace that we are given the chance at heaven.  So, we are forced to go against the ungrateful grain and be gracious instead.  And through it all, Jesus promises to make it all better in another life.  Your human life will most likely always suck but your heavenly soul will find peace.

It's kind of strange because you're told to spend your life denying yourself and loving your enemy and although you may not find this lifestyle easy, you're working toward something beyond yourself, something incomprehensible and amazing and yet we will never know how amazing it will be.  That is, if we even earn our place in heaven.  Sure, you can say a prayer and give it all to God but is that enough?  We are never given a glimpse of that promised prize, never know if all our efforts will be worth it.  We are only told if we don't abide by the rules, we will only suffer more in hell.

On Earth, barely any thing is black and white.  Barely any one person is black and white.  Good people do bad things and bad people sometimes show mercy.  Yet, when it comes to your soul, it's pass or fail, stop or go, do or die.  It seems a bit harsh, doesn't it?  It's not even so much about being a good person as it is having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  But, a part of that relationship is being a good person so I think it still does play a big part in acceptance into heaven.  You can't be a curmudgeon Christian.  And you can't be an amiable atheist (of course you can but as far as heaven goes, it doesn't help your chances).  

I think it's easy to be a Christian when you don't face much adversity.  I have an acquaintance who is a strong Christian but she's also had it easy her entire life.  Obviously, she might have faced problems I'm not privy to but let's just say she has not.  It's pretty easy to have faith when you don't have to struggle for it.  And just to play devil's advocate (pun intended), I have another acquaintance who is a strong Christian but life has constantly crapped all over her.  So, I suppose it is possible to keep the faith while failing at life.  So, where does that leave me?  Pretty sure that means I'm just a selfish jerk.

It all feels like this big tease.  Life's cruelties are so easily dismissed as just the world we live in but God is waiting on the other side to sweep us up, dry our tears and set us in a warm bath called heaven.  God is so good.  God is so gracious.  God is loving.  God won't turn His back on the believers.  Yet, I've never experienced any of that goodness firsthand.  You could argue the fact that I'm not poor or out on the street as proof of God's goodness.  And I can see how you'd say that.  But what about free will?  Free will is also a big part of Christianity.  God loves us but if he forced us to love Him it wouldn't truly be love so He gave us the free will to choose or reject Him.  So, what if everything good in my life was a product of free will, the choices of others, random chance?  It seems pretty convenient that a lot of Christians pass off good fortune as God's blessing and misfortune as the consequences of free will.  And I think it's a cop out.

Feeling God's existence is something I've struggled with my entire life.  Even when I was at my Christian best, praying and reading/studying my Bible, going to church and sending out positive energy to the world, I always felt the same sadness scouring my insides as they always had.  And I prayed for salvation every night.  And although I went through the motions and tried to seek God sincerely, I never felt Him, never felt like He had entered my heart, never changed me.  I've heard that because I might not feel God the way others do doesn't mean He's not with me.  That's all nice and good but what if he's not with me?  I can't go through my life on an assumption, especially when my very soul is at risk.  I need some confirmation.

And then college happened and everything suddenly spiraled downward at an alarming pace.  I kept God close.  Maybe not close enough.  I graduated and came back home to no job, no money and no friends.  Some of the most important people in my life disappeared and I completely cracked under the weight of debt and failure, fell into an element of blank and died.  And yet I prayed and asked for God's help.  And, as always, nothing.  Finally, I gave up because I felt like it was a waste of time.  Of course, I understand God doesn't answer all prayers.  I understand God's not going to drop gold on my doorstep.  I understand that God will not make life perfect.  Please, I'm not that delusional.  Yet, I always hoped God would at least give me a sense of peace, a semblance of calm as a sign that everything would eventually work out.  I wasn't asking for the world, just a word, a gesture of encouragement, a feeling of being full instead of that incessant emptiness that has plagued all of my years.  I really just needed a "hey, you're gonna be okay, kid."  And I couldn't even get that much.

I'm only complaining.  I know that God still loves me.  I know I'm being selfish.  I know it's not His fault but mine.  I know I'm probably not trying hard enough, being persistent enough or having enough faith.  I can just hear all those stock Christian responses right now.  And I'm not saying they are wrong.  I'm just simply saying how I feel about things, how my life hasn't fit in with that Christian mold of prayers and peace.  I'm just saying that it shouldn't feel like it's that hard to talk to God, to ask for some peace.  Why does it feel like I'm constantly running through this obstacle course that continues to add pillars and pitfalls to postpone my progress?

At work, some people set up a church next door to my department.  The company I work for is separated by the rest of the mall by a giant glass sliding door. Is it just me or is a mall a weird place to have a church?  Not that there's anything wrong with that but I guess I just don't picture consumerism and Christianity jelling like that.  Anyway, we always close the mall door on Sundays because no other store in the mall is open (except now for the church).  During my most recent Sunday at work, I looked into the mall and saw the churchgoers outside, some going in, some coming out, others standing around and talking and smiling outside.  A teenage girl was swinging a younger girl around with her hands.  I could hear the muffled giggles.  And as I looked through the glass, I thought it was an appropriate scene, quite literally reflecting my spiritual struggle.  Here I was, miserable, put to work in a hopeless job and on the other side of me was that promise of peace, that vision of what I thought Christianity should look and feel like for me.  There was happiness there.  Community.  And there was a wall that separated me from it.  I could see it and hear it but I could not touch it.

I was closed off from it all.