book notes #4

I decided to switch it up and begin working on my memoir instead of the novel I wrote for National Novel Writing Month.  I can't seem to focus on one project and stick with it until it's finished, which is making me pretty crazy.   I realized my free proof copy of my novel expires the 30th of this month so that motivated me to start writing again.  The thing is there's no way I'll have it ready by that time so I thought I'd dust off the old memoir and see if I could finish that and use my free copy to print that out instead of the novel.  As I was organizing the notes and chapters I had printed out, I realized how little I had accomplished over the past four-something years.  I have about 92 chapters planned out (don't worry, each chapter is only a page or two) but I had only made it to chapter twelve.  Four years for twelve chapters?  Whoosh.

So, I started working on the memoir again and pumped through several chapters in a couple of days.  I was making good progress.  But as I looked over my source material, I was dismayed to find that a lot of what I wrote back then does not reflect how I feel about those certain topics today.  That's not necessarily a bad thing as it has been many years ago and my opinion on certain things is bound to change, for better or worse.  The bad part about it is that it's hard for me to tap into those feelings so that I can express them in writing.  Because I don't really feel that way anymore, it's almost as if I'm reading a stranger's notes instead of my own.  I almost feel as if I have to go backward and experience certain events again from that old perspective so I can accurately document my head and heart positions at the time.  It's slowing the process down quite significantly and it's also hard to keep myself from injecting my new views in the mix.

I worry that once people read the book, they might get the impression that those feelings and beliefs and value systems are ones that I still hold today, thus misrepresenting me.  I suppose it wouldn't be so horrible because I did feel these things at one time so it's not as if it's false but I also feel I've moved past those certain ways of thinking.  Of course, they weren't necessarily bad ways of thinking.  They were just different.  But no matter what people will think of me, the book needs to be written.  It's something that I think will haunt me until I can sort it all out and write it all down.

My last problem is I don't think I'll finish the memoir, either.  At least, not in time to beat my free copy expiration.  I don't want to pass up that free proof copy so I don't know what to do.  Because I won't finish the memoir, I thought about switching back to the novel and just trying my best to polish it up before it was time to submit.  Of course, it wouldn't be the final version.  Just 'cause I had it printed doesn't mean the story would be set in stone.  I also entertained the idea of not even touching it and just submitting it the way it is now, rough but ready.  That way, I could say, "Hey, look what I accomplished in 30 days."  Then, once I am ready to revise, I'll have a good foundation to start from.

Whatever I decide to do, I'm probably going to be pretty busy for the next month in preparation for printing.  So, it's likely I won't write very much for the rest of this month.  Or maybe I will.  I guess it depends on how deeply something is affecting me.

I'm very excited to have a hard copy of my words.  Even if it's just one illegitimate copy.  I just need to experience that tactile tantalization.