i look better online

"I'm so ugly but that's okay
'cause so are you..."
-Nirvana, Lithium

I wash my face and neck and when I run my hands down my throat, it's smooth, sans the scar, and it's a weird feeling, almost like a limb that's no longer there.  But it's good because it was a limb that was never supposed to be there in the first place.  It's simultaneously strange and thrilling.

Yet, I'm not completely satisfied.

I still have a bit of swelling that needs to go down, which might take a couple of weeks or months.  And although I knew and didn't mind the fact that I would have a scar, it's a bit puffier and more apparent than I anticipated.  Everyone says it will go down in time but you never really know how those things are going to work out or how long it will take so I'm still concerned that it'll always stick out.

After all that, I still have to lose all this weight in my face before I'll feel like I have a good-looking face and throat.  It might seem strange to be so preoccupied with an odd area of the body but for whatever reason, I've always been focused on having a good jawline and a smooth throat.  And that was even before the lump popped up so you can imagine the misery I endured when I had this cyst screwing up my image of what I should look like.

But even if I get all that sorted out, I still won't be completely satisfied.

I still need to fix my teeth (the next thing I plan on fixing when I have the funds) and of course I've got to lose the weight and now my receding hairline is really starting to concern me so if I had the money for that, I'll pursue a hair transplant.

It's just sad to look at myself and really realize that I will probably never be satisfied with how I look.  I can hope that I can fix certain aspects of my face and body and that will make me feel better but in all likelihood, that just won't be the case.  There is always something popping up or falling out that I need to address and it's daunting.  It's a struggle to think that one day I could possibly fix myself enough to be attractive vs. just accepting that I am not conventionally good-looking, that I am average at best.  But what's so wrong with average? 

I feel just as frustrated as other people do about how down I am about the way I look.  I know I am not the ugliest thing in the world and although I used to think so, I don't anymore but I still don't think I'm good-looking.  I know that's irrational and maybe I just have a mental problem but I can't seem to overcome it.

Maybe it's just because I don't have any self-esteem and I am under the wrong impression that good looks will make me feel better about myself.  But the thing is, I'm smarter than that.  I know better.  I was thin(ish) at one point.  My face was clear and my hair was full and I still wasn't happy.  Sure, I wasn't as miserable as I was when I was fat but I was still unsatisfied with myself.  It's just that when your life is in shambles and you're gross, it does add an extra splash of stress to the strain of trying to survive the onslaught of daily dilemmas.

I was watching a television program a couple of years ago and it followed this girl who was obsessed with getting her nose fixed.  It was all she could talk about and when she finally got it done, she was happy at first.  Then, things changed.  She eventually started disliking her nose again and she wanted to undergo the knife one more time.

I just hope I don't end up like that.  What if I get my teeth fixed or my nose fixed and I'm still not happy?

It's a big fear of mine.  What will it take for me to just accept myself how I am or is there nothing I can do?  Is surgery going to do the trick?  What if it doesn't?  What more could I do?  Or will I eventually grow out of this?  Will I one day just give up and not care?  What if I die never having felt good about myself from not only an aesthetic standpoint but from a spiritual one as well?

But it's not all bad.  Maybe there's progress being made under the surface.

While I was away from work, the boss hired three new people, two of them young, thin, attractive guys.  At first I was worried.  I saw these guys, one tall and thin, the other muscular and tanned, and both well dressed, and I felt a tinge of worry about the idea of the girls liking those guys better than me.  I am a pretty jealous person and didn't like the idea of seeing the girls I liked talking to those guys, possibly starting to prefer them over me.  I didn't want those guys "stealing" the girls away from me.  Maybe it sounds silly but it was my fear.

But when I actually met them, those fears slowly subsided.  I realized that I just didn't look like that, that I wasn't as young and good-looking and there was nothing I could do to fix that so there was no point in dwelling on it.

It was an unprecedented feeling of getting it, as close as I've ever come to self-acceptance.  

Unfortunately, it never lasts.  I have these moments where I look in a mirror (and it has to be a certain kind of mirror) and everything looks kind of good.  But then I look in another mirror with different lightening and I'm hideous again.  Or when I'm trying to take a picture of myself and it never comes out right.  And I just wonder what side of me other people are seeing.  Is it the good lighting/mirror side or the hideously flawed picture side?

All I know is I'm tired of talking about the same thing over and over again.  Tired of looking in the mirror and seeing the same sagging pores over and over again.  I'm tired of my face.  I'm kind of tired of myself.  And I need to come to some kind of resolution.  I need to either accept that with enough effort, I can become presentable or accept that I never will be and just be okay with that.

And just move on.