Bad Romance II

I went out Friday night with an acquaintance of mine.  It was the usual coffee and conversation.  What I really liked about it was how refreshing the conversation was.  I barely speak to anyone anymore and conversations are few and far between for me these days and it felt good to talk to someone.  Even more than that, it felt good to have an intellectual conversation.  She was telling me about a friend of hers who ended a six year relationship two months ago.  Afterward, she met a guy, they dated for a month, and several days ago they got engaged.  It's like love in warp speed, no?  She thought it was ridiculous and I agreed with her.  She reasoned that this girl had been with her boyfriend of six years, ever since she was fifteen, and she didn't know how to be without someone so when this guy proposed to her, she thought it was comforting because that's pretty much all she's ever known of love.  I congratulated her on her insights because I was thinking the same thing.  Our discussion segued into me bringing up my "Bad Romance" entry that I wrote a few days ago.  She agreed with what I was saying and that was reassuring.  She even added, "Single is not a disease!"  Preach it, sister.

It felt good to know that a regular human can understand things the way I do.  Just like myself, she has never been in a relationship but she has to offer counseling to her friends who seem trapped in doomed romances.  While sipping our spiced apple chai teas and white chocolate mochas, I made an observation that, although we've never been involved with anyone romantically, we seem to know way more about relationships than those who have years of experience.  Funny how that happens.

We basically spent the entirety of our time together elaborating on the things I discussed in my blog.  It felt great to have a back and forth about the topic, to be given ideas to work off of and to provide the same for her.  It was nice to actually discuss with someone the things I write about instead of just sending it out into cyberspace and that being the end of it.  She's a smart girl and I admire her for having the intelligence to realize that her being single is not a punishment or a deformity.  We used to be in the same position, wishing God would send someone along for us to love but we've moved past that point and we are better for it.  We now spend our days trying to love ourselves instead of a ghost.  I think that's much more productive and is the easier path to peace.

Maybe because I've never been entangled in love, I can sit back and investigate it with an objective eye.  The fact that my heart has never blinded by my brain has allowed me to use my head when it comes to my heart.  I am logical, clinical.  And yes, maybe sometimes I'm a bit cold but at least it provides a better understanding.

Throughout my observations, I've realized:

Love is not perfect.  Love is not a fairytale and love will not solve sadness.  I used to be one of these hopeless romantics that fell in love with the way love was portrayed on television and in books.  You know, the whole "love cures all" thing, the whole "love changes everything," the whole "happily ever after" thing.  It's just not true and I hate to burst everyone's bubble but the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can get over those naive notions and start looking at love in a realistic way.  Love is complicated and messy and never cut and dry.  Now, I'm not saying that love isn't the best thing in the world because it is but love alone is never enough.

You cannot change people.  And girls, you cannot "fix" guys.  You can love someone with all of your heart but that will not alter their behavior or make them see the light.  They have to be open, receptive to that love for them to change and you cannot make anyone be open unless they want to be.  Yes, love is transformative and love can change people but only if they are willing and you cannot make anyone willing.  People are too stubborn and set in their ways for an outside influence to divert them from their norm.  Change starts from within themselves, not from you.

Love is a dance, a negotiation, a collaboration.  All parties involved have to work together toward that common goal of satisfaction.  Love hurts but I don't think it is supposed to.  Aren't there so many other things in the world that hurt?  Love is supposed to fix the hurt and yes it does if everyone does their part.  Love is the end of an equation that makes up the addition of partner one and partner two.  Love hurts because you love someone who doesn't love you back.  Love hurts because you aren't being treated with the respect you deserve.  Love hurts because you are being used or maybe you're the one doing the using and you aren't as fulfilled as you think you should be.  Love hurts because it's really  not love at all.  That's loneliness, that's desperation, that's impossible expectations that drew you to the relationship or is keeping you in the relationship.

And most of all, love is more than a feeling.  Love is comprised of passion, loyalty, trust, friendship, selflessness, and most importantly, choice.  Love isn't going to make him pick up his dirty clothes off of the floor or stop her from nitpicking over her appearance.  Love isn't going to make him share his feelings (until he's ready) and it isn't going to stop her from being clingy (until she decides to stop).  You have to accept that the other person is not perfect and you are not perfect and that two unperfect people are coming together.  You have to realize that this will cause friction and you have to choose to be with that person anyway, not to overlook their flaws but to be able to handle them and support them.  There's nothing wrong with encouraging people to improve and open the door for change but just don't expect that it will happen.

The idea of other people completing each other is all nice and good and romantic but I think it's kind of crap.  I think we all have the capability of being self-sufficient.  Love shouldn't be about completing, but complimenting.  To me, completion suggests perfection which only sets up an impossible expectation.  Partners are not like puzzle pieces.  You will never find anyone shaped perfectly to fit your vacancy.  But you will find people that you can be compatible with, which is where the whole choice thing comes in again.  I can't say if there is just one person in our lives that we are meant to be with because that goes back into the dreamy fairytale thing.  It's more likely that there are a wide variety of people that we could spend the rest of our lives with but we just have to make the right choice.

Obviously, I don't know much about love.  I've never been in love.  I've never been in a relationship so maybe I'm completely wrong but I do feel like I'm on to something.  I feel like I'm getting closer to finding out what love means to me.  I know I'll never stop learning but I keep making progress every day.  And maybe I've been able to do that because I am not so tangled up in someone else that I have the time, energy and resources to contemplate something of such magnitude.  I just wish other people would slow down and do the same thing.  When one relationship ends, instead of jumping into the arms of someone else, maybe people should take the time to reflect on the relationship, find out why it didn't work and what they can do the next time around to make things better.  But people are too afraid to be alone, too scared of the pain of heartbreak that they have to find someone else to cover up that hurt before it has time to absorb.  People don't want to think anymore.  It's simply too hard.  But for me, what I find harder to deal with is the idea of trapping myself in dead end relationships with girl after girl and never knowing what I wanted or needed, just keeping someone around to fill my holes.  Love sure isn't easy but is it really as difficult as people make it seem or are we simply confusing ourselves?