Thought love was a beautiful thing
But it feels like a shackle around my neck
Feels a lot like suffocating
Hey, can someone say to me
Love feels like freedom and not like slavery.."
Showbread- The Great Emasculation
I feel like my love for people died long before my body did but sometimes I do have pangs of romantic resurrection. And when I see stuff like what I saw on Facebook, it brings back long dormant desires. Desires for passion. And sometimes that passion likes to percolate inside of me but you know the thing about suppressing passion? It’s a lot like holding in a fart. Unlike farting, however, it’s not so much fun when it comes flapping out against your will.
In the past, I have attempted to ride that Love Rollercoaster but every time I’ve tried, I’ve experienced nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea, not to mention a fresh crack in my ceramic heart. So, it came as no big surprise when one day I felt the clay crumble inside my chest. It was a relief, actually. It felt liberating not to have to worry about love and loneliness. After so many years of wanting a girlfriend, wanting someone to give my love to, wanting to feel the way other people my age were feeling, it occurred to me that I wouldn’t make a good boyfriend. I realized that I’m too insecure, too young and too troubled to be in a relationship. All this time, I thought God was punishing me but He wasn’t. He was actually saving me from a lot of unnecessary hassle, protecting me from something I wasn’t ready for. While I was trying to find a relationship with someone else, I neglected the relationship I should have been nurturing with myself and with Jesus Christ.
So, during college, through some soul searching, a date that led nowhere and a few crushes that left me feeling deflated, I slowly rescinded the romantic in me. I stopped trying to love girls in a romantic sense and instead began trying to love everyone in general. Of course, trying to love my former roommate, Keith, didn’t work out so well. It didn’t matter what kind of niceties I threw at him, he shut me down each time. That, coupled with the fact that I couldn’t make good friends with any of my other roommates and the frustration that was my relationship with Chasity culminated in cutting me down so much that I bled out all feelings for anyone. I couldn’t make it work with girls. I couldn’t make it work with friends. The final nail in my coffin was losing someone I never thought would lose, someone who left me for dead during my college debacle. After her, I gave up on people entirely. Gah, I know that sounds so emo and it’s so easy to classify that type of behavior as dumb (because I’ve done that classifying myself a time or two) but when you’ve reached that point, you understand where they are coming from. And believe me, now I do.
And so, a few weeks later, in a test of my newly battered, tattered and smattered heart, Beau, a former roommate, came up to me one day and said, “I know someone who likes you!”
I didn’t bat an eyelash.
“Really?” I said, not so entirely enthused.
“Yep.”
“Who is it?”
Turns out it was some girl from our portfolio class. Beau said she’s been into me all quarter. He found secondhand through a mutual friend of theirs so I don’t know if it was really true. I tend to be skeptical about those sorts of things, especially when they don't come straight from the source. It didn’t matter anyway because I was not attracted to her in the slightest. And even if I was, what was I gonna do about it? I’d never see her again. And it was the end of the quarter. It would have seemed silly to try to start something so close to graduation. I won’t deny that the thought of someone taking a fancy to me was nice but it didn’t interest me to pursue her. Besides, I don’t even understand why she liked me. We had approximately two conversations and both of them involved homework. I don’t know anyone who gets all hot and bothered over business cards so she must have based her feelings on my looks because she did not know my personality. Two problems with that: if she’s basing her interest in me based on my looks, then she has bad taste and I don’t want to be with anyone who has bad taste. And since she does not know me personally, she would have ultimately found disappointment when she would have found out I was a nut bag. I’m saving us future heartbreak. It felt really good to dismiss her so easily and that might seem cruel but really I’m just not going to waste my time on something that I know is not right for me. If only other people would do the same thing, they’d save themselves a lot of trouble.
I mean, really, what has become of us that we are all so obsessed with love and finding someone to be with? Let’s not be so codependent, how about that? Here’s a radical thought. How about let’s get ourselves together first, start loving who we are, start relying on ourselves, start being comfortable with who we are as individuals! If we can all do that, we wouldn’t need anyone else to make us happy or validate us because we would already be secure enough. Sure, love is all nice and good if that’s your thing but really, it’s just a bonus. The real satisfaction comes from ending the day knowing and loving yourself. Loving someone else should the icing on the cake but it shouldn’t be the cake itself, the one thing we all strive for to gain happiness. You can be perfectly happy alone but most people don’t seem to understand that. I know people who absolutely rail against the idea of being single. It's not even that they run from the thought of loneliness. I suspect they run from the fear of being alone if single. Everyone thinks love is the key to happiness but I’m here to call bullshizzle. If anything, being in a relationship will make you more miserable. I’ve seen it happen with enough people to know this is the truth. And you know why? Because these people thought love would make them happy. They weren’t happy enough with themselves so they sought it out in others. And not only did they realize that love was not the magical cure-all they had expected but they also had to deal with the disappointment of their sky high expectations.
But isn’t love supposed to make everything better?
Maybe true love does. But these people, and most people in general, aren’t in true love. They are in true dependence. They are in a “love” that makes them think things are better but nothing has changed. They stick with these relationships because being with someone you don’t particularly like is better than being alone. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this poor excuse.
"Oh, she's a total whore but I won't break up with her 'cause I don't wanna be alone."
"Oh, he is verbally abusive but I wanna stick with him 'cause it's better than having no one at all."
I am absolutely astounded by these people’s insecurities. And I thought I was bad! So, you’d rather be in a toxic relationship that is slowly killing you than freeing yourself of all that baggage and just being alone? People act as if being alone is the equivalent of having cancer. And this is why people are so screwed up and lost. They’ve never been on their own, never had to depend on themselves to get through tough times. They’ve always had someone else to comfort them, to take care of them. They’ve always intertwined themselves with their partners and along the way, lost who they were.
People tend to forget that we all have a lot of problems. We seek relationships so the other person can either fix our problems or make us forget about our problems. But they have their own problems. You hope they can fix your crap and they hope you can fix their crap and pretty soon everyone is too busy dabbling in dookie to nurture the relationship and allow it to bloom. There’s plenty of fertilizer but where’s the water and communication and sunlight and trust? Nothing beautiful can blossom if you get your hands dirty for misguided reasons.
Everyone gets lonely. Everyone gets angry too but that doesn't give them the right to punch people in the face. So why is it okay to go out and grab yourself a lover when you're a little lonely? How about exerting some self-control. I get lonely too but I don’t go out and find some random girl to make me feel better about my own problems for a few weeks until everything eventually goes south. No, I just lie in my bed and eat a bag of chips until the feeling passes. Way healthier.
Loneliness is a feeling, a lot like being hungry. But did you know that thirst is often mistaken for hunger? When you thought you wanted that Big Mac, maybe you really just needed a glass of milk. Feeling lonely? Maybe you don’t need a girlfriend or boyfriend. Maybe you just need a good friend. Maybe you need God or maybe you need to do some yoga. Maybe you just need someone to talk to and that’s totally okay. You have all kinds of love inside your heart to share with people and it doesn’t always have to be romantic love. Talk to your friend, talk to yourself, write your frustrations in a journal. Get lost in something healthy and productive instead of masking your mayhem by making out.
In some ways, I'm glad I died because it has given me brand new eyes, allowed me to see love from the outside in, just the way has allowed me to see all things that way. I realized that love is like a pool that we are dropped into from birth. We grow up and use our limbs to learn about love and swimming and as we doggy paddle our way across the pool, we come across all the various kinds of loves available. We love our parents and then our teachers and our friends and as we keep swimming, we encounter crushes and first kisses and a fluttering in our stomachs that keep us afloat. And when we are rejected, we swallow a lot of water. When our hearts are broken, it feels a lot like drowning but we have to realize that we are more than the water we swim through. And since I've been plucked from this pool and the chlorine has been cleared from my eyes, I can see this now. I just wish everyone else could keep their heads above water so they could see it, too.
Now, let me just say that I am not bashing love (entirely) and I'm not saying everyone should be single (entirely) because if you have yourself reasonably together and truly feel you are ready for a relationship or find yourself already in one and it's a good, healthy relationship, then congratulations, do your thing. I'm happy for you. And you don't even have to be perfect to be in a relationship. No one is perfect and you will always have things to work on but just make sure you're at least somewhat stable. Don't go into the relationship thinking this person will fix you or that loving someone will make your problems disappear because that will not happen.
I don't advocate love but I don't admonish it. I just wish people weren't so averse to being single. There is nothing wrong with being single. You are not a loser if you are single. You are not unworthy of love and you are not undesirable. It simply just isn't your time so take that time to improve upon yourself, to let go of the idealistic notions you have attached to being in love because more likely than not, it won't be as magical as you've hoped. Make yourself happy. Love yourself and the rest will come easily. Take it from me, I've been single my entire life and I'm trucking along just fine. Well, as fine as a dead guy can. Sure, I'm a little loopy but that has nothing to do with girls. You will not explode if you are without a partner for longer than a week. You won't drown. Don't rely on someone else to be your arm floaties. Learn to swim on your own and love the freedom of being unattached.
Posts
