Snobby Snogger

Written February 2008.

I have struggled with some of life’s greatest questions in my short time on this earth, mysteries that have stmped even the greatest of philosophers throughout history.  Questions like:

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Why do we insist on pressing the remote control harder when we know the battery is dead?  (Don’t act like you’ve never done it!)

Why did Sally sell seashells by the sea shore when anyone can just pick them up for free?

How would you treat someone addicted to counseling?

How does Freddy Krueger wipe his butt?

Can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils?

If a pope goes to the bathroom, is it considered holy crap?

If quizzes are quizzical, then what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

There are an endless number of questions to ponder out there.  One question recently came to mind after I had a talk with an old friend.  When our conversation turned to a discussion on kissing, I had to reevaluate my stance on sucking face.  I wondered if my views were too old fashioned to keep up with this over sexed and under satisfied world of ours.  Perhaps it’s best to remain selective when snogging.  Or am I too much of a prude to pucker up?

I seem to be in the minority on this, but I don’t find being a kissing slut to be an attractive trait in a perspective mate.  I certainly wouldn’t pride myself in knowing I had kissed a ton of girls and hope my potential partner would be the same way when it came to her lip play.  I would like to be able to find a decent girl who hasn’t had her tongue down half the male population.  Is that too much to ask for?  I used to think it wasn’t, but nowadays kissing is seen as as innocent and harmless as hugging or shaking hands and more people are locking lips.  And I struggle with the idea of remaining old fashioned and the notion of being kiss happy.  It’s an internal struggle that I battle with anytime I see two people kissing and that old familiar craving for a kiss comes back to bite me.

In many ways, I like to think of myself as open minded and quite progressive.  I don’t think it’s a huge deal when other people have a lot of kissing partners.  I won’t automatically label you a big slut or anything.  But as for me, personally, I just don’t want to be that way.  I want to save my kisses for a special misses.  I guess when I think of kissing, I think of the person on the other end of my lips as being someone I genuinely like.  A girl that I have known for a while and have developed romantic feelings for.  I want that kiss to be infused with a feeling of fancy for her.  I want it to mean more than physical pleasure.  I want it to be a kiss that touches me deeper than the skin.  I want it to be special.  It’s that simple.

Yet, in this day in age, it’s hard to find that special someone.  I, myself, have found it especially difficult to find a girl I can attach romantic feelings to.  And because I’m still a normal, healthy male, I have those urges, those feelings of desire just like anyone else, and so I find myself conflicted.  I would like to express my desires physically, yet I have no one to do that with.  Naturally, I don’t have to like a girl to kiss her.  I realize this, yet I want to like her.  It doesn’t look like she’s gonna show up any time soon and meanwhile my hormones are horrendous and sometimes I don’t know how long I can hold out. 

It’s a battle between Horny Bran and Ho-Hum Bran and frankly, I don’t know who’s gonna win this war.

You know, I have done well when it comes to holding out for a phenomenal female.  Last year, when I was gang molested by three drunken girls at a bar, I held my tongue (literally) when they all insisted on making out with me.  Here I had these three beautiful and inebriated ladies ready to mingle with my mouth and yet I didn't want to.  I mean, I didn't wanna take advantage of these girls, didn't wanna do anything with them that they wouldn't wanna do with me while they were sober.  But, really, who's to say they wouldn't have wanted a taste while they were sober?  I suppose that's my low self-esteem talking but that's how I felt.  They ended up stealing my sugar anyway, while another one initiated some lip biting action that still gets me hot and bothered when thinking about it to this day.  And perhaps that's what will save me every time.  Maybe my morals will step in and intercept any indecent thoughts I might have.

I suppose I should hang on to the idea that, although I might be tempted, might be weak in the moment, perhaps I won't do anything I'll ever regret later.  And heck, maybe a little awesome lip action every once in a while wouldn't hurt me.  I mean, I am a young man, some would even say attractive, and perhaps it could do me some good to get some physical attention from the ladies.  Thinking back on it, I guess I don't have a problem with kissing girls who aren't girlfriends, just as long as I don't go too far with them or make it a habit.  Plus, I know no matter how many girls I kiss, they won't compare to the kiss that comes from the one I love.  And if it's as amazing as I imagine it will be, I think I can hold out a little while longer.