Books & Blogs

I'm finding it increasingly unsettling to try to write a book and keep my blog updated.  How is it that I can split two paths of creativity and expression and give my all to both?  And I wonder to myself do authors also keep journals?  Does Stephen King write his thoughts in a notebook when he's not working on a draft of his next book?  And if so, how can he separate his characters from himself?  How does he express his everyday thoughts creatively while thinking up a whole new world and make it all good?  I suppose it might be easier for him and other writers who write for a living.  You probably find the time, energy and creativity when you don't have to go to a crappy job that zaps everything you need to create beautiful work.

I don't want to act like I have a huge following.  I certainly don't.  I've had this blog for a year and never managed to get more than eleven followers and I actually just recently lost one.  I don't get many views and an average of one comment per post (Thanks Katrina!).  But, I hope the more I write, the more I talk about things, the greater the chances I'll write about something someone wants to read.  And I hope the more I can write readable, relatable things, the more people will continue to read and stay interested in what I have to say.  And maybe they'll tell their friends and people will come and read and stay.

And to build up a following, I have to keep writing, keep putting myself out there.  And the reason why I'm doing this is so that when (or if) my book gets published, there will actually be a group of people out there who will actually buy it.  But how can I get this book written, concentrate my energy on that, when I have to keep writing in here to keep the interest up?  Sure, if I didn't have to work a job that killed me just a little bit more every day, then it could be easy.  Break it up.  A few hours on the book.  A few hours on the blog.  And let's not forget about working on my animation when I get all my stuff together to do it.  Honestly, it doesn't feel too overwhelming.  There's enough hours in the day to do a little bit of everything but as I said, when I come home from work, I am absolutely exhausted.  I've noticed that not only has my writing decreased in frequency but in quality as well.  And I'd hate for anything creative I do to suffer on account of work.  Especially when I'm working toward making writing and animating my work in the future.

I almost feel like at this point it might be good to go ahead and focus on writing the book and then I can try to build a following because the book is already there.  I guess I'm imagining the book selling really well as soon as I put it out there but it most likely won't.  At least, not at first.  As soon as it's done, I can start promoting it and start work on writing in here again and maybe people who read the blog will buy the book and those who buy the book will start reading my blog and it might work out.  Or maybe it won't.  Who knows.  And maybe it will take a while for the book to be a success, if it becomes one at all.  I mean, I guess it would make more sense to make the product and then build an audience rather than build the audience and then have them all wander off while I go away and work on the product.

The only problem is that I feel I have to write or I will explode.  A part of it is keeping my writing out there and another part of it is that I must write in order to keep my brain from clogging up.  It's not about me writing these epic pieces that touch lives and inspire the masses.  It's not about everything I write being perfect.  It's basically just about me dumping all my depression onto paper or into this blog so that I can get it out of my system so that I can focus on something else to worry about.  It's about expression.  It's about release.  And the fact that I'm so insecure and such a perfectionist makes me feel like it does have to be epic and it does have to be inspiring.  Because I'm such a messy person and because my life and body is in shambles, I feel like everything I present to the outside world has to be perfect to make up for my imperfections.  That's why I'm the best freagin' shirt and pant folder at work.  That's why my stacks are always so straight.  That's why my handwriting is so neat.  That's why I'm a maniac.  It's kind of funny how I have to express myself to release the crazy but I make myself crazy by perfecting that release.

I think writing this book will be a good release for me, too, which is another reason why I have to do it, despite putting it off year after year.  It's a release on a grander scale, a more epic episode of expression.  There's a lot of things I haven't shared yet, small things, large things, internal things that went on that I need to talk about to hopefully fill in the gaps between what I've told and how I feel.  It might be stupid and that's okay as long as I get it all out, tell it my way and take the weight off.  So, instead of worrying about the everyday niggling problems, maybe I should focus on getting rid of that overwhelming weight of my college experience, funneling it all into a witty yet reflective memoir that people will hopefully enjoy, relate to and be somewhat enlightened from.

Or maybe it'll be garbage.  Either way I have to do it.  And although I have tons of notes on things I want to write about, maybe I need to shift my focus from blog posts to pages in my book...