Esophagash (Or Why I Will Never be OK with Myself)

Guys check out other guys.  It happens.  It's not gay and it doesn't besmirch a guy's masculinity.  Most guys won't admit this because most of them reel against the slightest behavior that could be misconstrued as homosexual in any way.  It's not about being sexually attracted to other guys.  We do it the same reason girls do it:  we are checking out our competition.  The fat guys wish they could be like the skinny kids and the skinny kids wish they could be as muscular as the jocks.  There will always be that one guy who never gets pimples.  There's the dude with the best hair, the best abs, the best teeth, etc.  And it's common to notice these things and it's common to compare your teeth, skin, hair, body to someone else.  And it's normal to feel jealous.  I, myself, am jealous of just about every guy I come in contact with, the ones who are naturally hairless or can easily fit into a size thirty jean, the ones who are attractive without trying too hard.  These are the usual characteristics that I envy.  But, how bad has my self-esteem gotten when I find myself envious of other guys' throats?

I've always been fascinated with and freaked out by Adam's apples.  I think the fascination comes from the connotation of adulthood that goes along with those burgeoning bumps in the middle of adolescent throats.  The wispy hairs that grow along the upper lip, the genitals that are gearing up to be open for business and that throat protrusion all spell maturation.  I had a male acquaintance in high school that developed an Adam's apple early on and I always admired it in some sick way, always thought of him as maturing faster than I was, although I was a half a year older than him.  At the same time, Adam's apples send a shiver down my spine and make my skin shrink up in disgust, the way the hard bulb bobbles up in down in the throat when the owner laughs, weeps or talks with too much excitement.  It's not something I can explain.  I feel the same icky way about veins.  The blue strings that lay underneath the skin along the inner wrists and the gross veins that stick out like water hoses on some people's necks.  Ugh, it gives me the creeps!  Despite the grossness of Adam's apples, I've always wanted one, nothing too big or conspicuous, just a nicely shaped Adam's apple that gave my throat some definition.

Well, I got the Adam's apple I always wanted, only in the form of the cyst that grew on the right side of my throat.  Not quite the definition I was looking for.  It seems suitable, though, as everything else in my life that I ever wished for has come to fruition in a damaged state, slightly askew and never just as I had imagined.  Not only did this knot in my throat look unattractive, it hacked away at what little confidence I had built for myself over the years by losing weight and learning to how to dress in a decent manner.  It seems every time I'd break through one wall of insecurity, another would pop up, just as the cyst does to remind me never to get too comfortable with myself because I am, after all, still deformed.

Now, I look at guys with good throats, with or without Adam's apples, and see how normal they look.  There are no freakish protrusions where there shouldn't be, no goiters or cysts to wreck an otherwise normal head and neck.  I see them hold their head up high without the worry of unnecessary bumps or bulges.  They can safely lean their head back when laughing without having to worry if anyone caught that grotesque lump under the surface of the skin.  I find it sad that I find myself jealous of something that most people barely notice, something most people wouldn't consider coveting.  Isn't it bad enough that I'm fat and my hair is thinning and my teeth are irregular?  Do we have to add on yet another defect, something else that I have to feel ashamed of, something else to strip the security from me?

It's not all about looks.  I don't want to act like the beauty queen who had her face scared by a stray bullet or battery acid.  There's an internal pain, of course, but there's also a physical pain that comes along with this condition.  Just like people who deal with acne.  We put so much emphasis on the aesthetics of pimples that we forget how much that stuff hurts.  I still get a whopper of a pimple every once in a while and the pain is deep and constant, regularly irritated by facial motions.  And that's the way it is with the lump in my throat.  It not only hurts to see it in the mirror or in pictures but it physically hurts me sometimes as well.  There are days when it kills to swallow because it hurts so badly.  And not only is it just another defect but another source of great pain.  Most people don't have any kind of throat irritations unless they are sick and most people only get sick every once in a while but it strikes me at any time.  In fact, it hurts right now.  The pain comes and goes when it pleases but I'm always living in tepid worry that the pain will return, that the size and tenderness will also return and I wonder how long it will be before it gets inflamed once again.

The most frustrating part is there is literally nothing I can do about it, at least according to my current ENT.  Then again, I wonder if I should go by what he says.  After a series of doctors giving me different scenarios, this guy seemed to know what he was talking about.  He told me it was likely a result of my deviated septum and so when that was corrected, the lump should have went away.  It didn't.  In fact, it got slightly larger.  He then said surgery was an option.  Light scarring, no problem.  During the next visit, he said it might not be the best choice because it would leave a big scar.  During my latest visit, he then decided to share with me that it could possibly come back if I had it removed, which contradicted all he had been telling me all along.  I don't want to say I don't trust the guy or that he was lying.  Maybe he was just learning more and more about it as he was going along, which is perfectly fine but it just kind of sucks that he makes the surgery out to be a simple process and then changes his tune a few weeks later and tells me it'll leave a disfiguring scar and could possibly come back in time.

So, there are no options left to reduce or get rid of it.  It's a part of me, something I will most likely have to live with, something I'm reluctant to add to my collection of deformities.  So, I will sit and wallow in the waste that is my self-esteem and see the guys with the throats as smooth as glass and realize no girl will ever kiss me there.  No special gal will caress my neck without running her finger over the lump, which will mostly likely give her the skeeves and take her out of the passion.  No vampire would ever bit me, either.  I'm sure my lump is the equivalent to biting into a piece of gristle while enjoying a nice steak.  A lot of people find throats sensual.  I don't have a lot about me that is sensual to begin with and the one spot that most people don't have to worry about is wrecked on me.  Typical.

That's it.  I'm done with, finished.  There is no cure, no pill, no potion, no cream, no laser that will lob this right off.  There is no quick fix.  No fix at all.  So, all I can do is sit and sigh and look forward to scarf weather.