animals are cut in two

"the same thing that happened to the animals
will have to happen to you..."
-half-handed cloud, animals are cut in two

I'm experiencing carnivorous inclinations.

Last October marked three years since I became a vegetarian.  It's been a rough three years.  Well, sort of.  There's a part of me that wants to say it's been easy because I don't really crave meat and haven't for a long time now.  But, the hard part is the alternatives.  There are very few choices for me.  Yes, I'm a vegetarian.  And yes, I don't like vegetables.

So, what does that leave me?

A whole lot of junk food.

It was easier living in Savannah.  There were more markets and more meatless alternatives out there.  Now that I'm back in this hick town, however, there's one grocery store that caters to the carnivores.  If you're not down with meat and potatoes, you're screwed.  I didn't think about my lack of food choices so much when I was back in Georgia but it's become glaringly apparent now that there just isn't anything good or healthy to eat in this town.  And this is one of the reasons why I've gained so much weight over the past year.

It also doesn't help when I go to restaurants where there are very few vegetarian-friendly choices, unless you want a salad.  Well, I don't want a salad and I don't want a bunch of tasteless steamed vegetables plopped on a plate.  Same with fast food joints.  Yes, I know I shouldn't even be going to a fast food place but sometimes, when you're hanging out with someone and they wanna get something to eat, that's the only choice there is, especially here.  So, I usually end up getting fries and a soda and then feel like garbage for the rest of the day because carbohydrates and carbonated water do not make a meal.

And this is where I feel conflicted. 

Sometimes, I just think it would be easier if I ate meat again.  Maybe I'd even lose weight.  If I could eat a more substantial meal, like chicken and fish and a nice side dish, I wouldn't feel so unsatisfied and wouldn't reach for fattening foods so much.  I'd have more options at restaurants.  Things would be easier.  But I suppose the things in life that you believe in don't always take you down the easiest of roads.  Does that mean they are worth the sacrifices?  Sometimes yes.  Sometimes no.  I guess it all depends on how strongly you feel about whatever it is you're having to give things up for.

Yet, it seems every time I start leaning toward the lean meats, I experience something that strengthens my veggie resolve.  Usually it's me witnessing one of those darn ASPCA commercials featuring the ruthless Sarah McLachlan.  She'll really give your heart a swift kick to its balls, I tell you what.  Or seeing a screen grab from PETA's "Meet Your Meat" videos on my YouTube page.  Or it's simply just me thinking about why I started being a vegetarian in the first place, how I wanted to not be a part of the ugly business of animal torture and slaughter.  Not to mention all the terrible stuff they inject into the animals that then go into you when you eat those animals.  Ugh, and if you've ever seen the infamous chicken nugget pink tube of goo picture, that should convince you to at least step back and think about what you're actually eating.

Unfortunately, during my time as a vegetarian, I've started to learn that meat alternatives really aren't that great for you, either.  I've been informed that many soy-based foods are pretty bad for you, especially the genetically modified soy.  Which is in pretty much everything I eat.  I've heard it messes with your hormones and causes estrogen production and all sorts of nasty things.  Being a dude, especially a fat dude, I already have to worry about man boobs and I don't need any help from my morning bite of vegetarian sausage.

That's if you can believe all you hear.  Of course vegetarians would tell you meat is bad for you.  Of course one mushroom based meat alternative company will tell you that soy sucks as well.   Eventually, someone else will come out and say shrooms aren't the way to go, either. 

So, if all of what everyone says is true, I'm actually screwed either way.  I can go back to meat to avoid the dangers of soy or I can keep myself-meat free to sideswipe all the additives.  The best option would be to eat organic meats that should be free of all the hormones and ground up extras like skin and eyeballs and...testicle balls.  But, as I said, I live in a hick town and those organic meats aren't readily available and the ones that are available are more expensive.  It seems hopeless.  It doesn't matter what I choose because my hormones are off and my internal faculties are most likely fried.

I just feel like if I ever did go back to eating meat, I would feel terribly guilty.  I'd feel like I failed at something, that I let myself down and the animals (yep, I know that might sound silly).  It's not like I think me not eating meat will change anything.  I know it won't.  I guess I just feel better knowing that I'm not actively participating in the torture and slaughter of animals.

For those of you just tuning in, let me say that my being a vegetarian is a personal decision.  I am not out to convert the world to vegetarianism.  I do not care if you eat meat.  I will not think less of you nor do I think higher of myself for not eating meat.  I have no problem with those who make their living raising and selling animals that will eventually be killed for food.  I don't even necessarily have a problem with animals being killed for food.  My problem is how it's done.  I don't like the fact that most animals nowadays are born into suffering until they are ripe enough to be slaughtered.  They spend their lives in filth and fear until they are rounded up and split down the middle and that's not something I can be okay with or ignore.

It's quite obvious to me that I'll need to further investigate the pros and cons of both vegetarianism and carnivorism.  It's also quite obvious to me that this will be quite the struggle for some time to come.  The funny thing is if we started farming people for food, I don't think I'd feel nearly as bad biting into a baby burger as I would a piece of veal.

Just kidding.

maybe.