cadaverous cusp

This is what it feels like to be dead, y'all.

January glazed over me like I had been trapped under ice.  Looking up, I saw everything happening, everything passing by but I couldn't touch any of it, feel it for what it was, absorb the sensation of time passing.  I could only watch, eyes locked, frozen to a point up ahead where everything funneled through my vision yet escaped my perception.

I work and come home and take a nap because I'm too exhausted to keep my eyes open and then I eat crap and then I watch crap on television and then I go to bed, all the while thinking about writing or drawing and never actually doing it because I'm too physically and emotionally drained.  I wake up and go through the same frustration the next day and then repeat until each day melts into the next, congealing and stretching out into a bleak future of further lethargy.

I've noticed a sharp decline in my energy recently.  I've never had a ton because of my unhealthy eating habits and lack of exercise but things are getting worse.  I can barely hold it together anymore.  Waking up just gets harder and harder each morning, to the point where I'm hitting the snooze repeatedly and finding myself rushing out of the door so I'm not late for work.  I'm not a morning person to begin with and having to wake up so early and being so tired despite a good amount of sleep just makes things all the more miserable.

I hate myself because I have been whining about getting together all of my animation stuff and now that I have it, I've barely used it.  I'll play here or there but mostly it's just sitting in my room.  I'm annoyed because I could be doing great things but I'm just too tired.  That's not really an excuse but I guess it is why I haven't done anything.  My head is too filled up with garbage to allow creativity to come through.  I'm too preoccupied with things that simply don't matter to actually focus on the things that do.

I've also been pretty secluded.  Not intentionally so, just kind of lost communication with a lot of people.  I haven't called and no one else has called.  No one's fault but I do feel the lack of human contact.  Work doesn't count because its demanded of me to speak to people but if I had my say in the matter, the only thing I would communicate would  be my middle finger as I walked out of the door.  That goes for customers and most coworkers.  And I'm kind of okay with that.  Sometimes I do crave conversation.  It comes but then it goes.  It really just adds to the feel of the days meshing into one with no particular person, event, connection, emotion to separate the time, to individualize dates and days, to break up the monotony of moroseness.

I've been dealing with a lot of...well, not really dealing with, but ignoring a lot of important issues lately and I've come to a conclusion:

I'm just awful.

I'm a terrible student.  Terrible vegetarian.  Terrible Christian.  Terrible person.

Outwardly, I might seem like a nice guy, like I'm doing well.  But, I'm on fire on the inside.  My ribcage is like a furnace that is consuming all that I've ever believed in.  The flames lick away at my faith in life and love and myself.  You see how I smile but you don't know the evil thoughts behind the smile, the selfishness, the intense anger that comes along with being me.  I try to project a shiny outside to make up for the ruin within.  It's kind of like I'm simply sweeping my life under a rug, making it appear neat and tidy but there's nothing tidy about me.

People saw the good grades but they didn't know that I only memorized the answers for the test and then forgot everything as soon as I turned my paper in.  It wasn't about education, only regurgitation.  Everyone sees that I don't eat meat but I still eat eggs, drink milk and wear leather.  I always tried to be a good Christian role model but I genuinely dislike people, which pretty much goes against what Christianity is all about.

People say I'm kind and I am up to a certain extent.  Until you hurt me.  Until you offend me.  Until you disappoint me.  Then, I'm pretty much done with you.  I might outwardly forgive you but I will never never forget.  I do happen to keep a record of wrongs, which directly conflicts with Christianity's view of how love should be.  I guess if that's how it should be, I just am not capable of love.  And that's not very Christian-like.

My faith has slowly been slipping away ever since graduation.  It's my fault, really, as my faith just isn't strong enough to withstand my earthly entropy.  I just see all these other people prospering and I'm angry because I feel like I should be as well, like I've been a good person, like I don't deserve this kind of hell.  God doesn't work that way.  And I know this.  But it doesn't keep me from getting angry.  And I can't help myself from feeling guilty, either.

I can't help but to think I should start eating meat again.  I think about it too much not to.  It's on my mind all the time.  If I'm not thinking about how a crappy Christian I am, I am thinking about being such a sucky vegetarian.  Every week I say I'm just going to start eating meat again but I never do because I can't force myself to make that step, to actually resume eating animals after going so long without.  It hurts because people actually praise me when I tell them I'm a vegetarian.  They say that's respectable.  They admire it.  People don't admire me for much so it feels good when I hear those things.  Yet, if I go back to eating meat, what's respectable about me?  Not much.  And it's not just what other people think about me.  I enjoy it because it gives me something to believe in.  I don't believe in much anymore (see above) so it feels good to have something to get behind.  I don't want to have that taken away.  And even more than what people say about me and wanting to have some faith in something, it's really more about the poor animals being tortured and mutilated.  I don't want to be a party to that.  But, I still think about eating them.  It's like I'm Edward Cullen and those little piglets and chickens and cows are my Bellas.  I want to eat them but I want to love them more.

Who am I?  What am I?

I'm conflicted, torn, indecisive, a total mess.  I have good intentions and bad and they battle every single day of my life.  My body is a battlefield, my head and my heart the weapons.  My soul is riddled with bullets and bruises, caught in the crossfire of good and evil, of lust and loathing, life, death, plant, animal, mineral.

I wonder how I can live my life while balancing the things I want to do and want to be with the things I feel I need to do and need to be.  I wonder how I've come so far away from the person I used to be.  I am not the same person.  I am not a person.  That sweet little kid is dead and now it's just me, an inadequate replacement.  How can I resurrect him, bring him back into balance while simultaneously protecting him from the influences of evil?  How can I prevent the fall from happening again?