aspirate

"And this is a cruel attempt at my lonely heart
And I'm loving it
But don't think for a minute that I'm falling..."
-Sacha Sacket, Cruel Attempt

I don't want to say a girl brought me back to life because that's just gross.  It sounds sappy and romantic and homey don't play that.  It goes against everything I believe in.  You shouldn't have to rely on someone else to make you feel a certain way.  And when I sit back and try to access my resuscitation, I realize it's not so much that she did anything to make me feel alive again but, through her, I saw I could feel something for someone, even if it is just the platonic pleasure of someone's company.

Before her, I didn't feel much of anything for anyone for a long time.  No happiness in conversations.  No peace with other people.  No comfort simply being with someone.  And now that things are happening inside me, I don't know what the feelings are.  They are so new and foreign that I don't know how to sort them out.  But that's okay.  I should be grateful to feel anything at all, even if it's not romantic (which it isn't).

The funny part is I don't even want to like her.  It would complicate the casual ease of our relationship and plus, she's seeing someone else so it doesn't even matter if I were to have feelings for her.  I wouldn't be able to do anything about it.  I'd just ache for her and I don't want to have to deal with those kind of emotions.  I already don't like the fact that she's seeing someone and I don't even have a crush on her so imagine how bad off I'd be if we did get together and then she dumped me and moved on to someone else and I had to see that.  It would not be good.

No, it's best not to feel anything deeper for her than I already do.

I think it's also a good idea to keep the longing on a leash because I don't even think she would be into me like that if she were single.

She's talked before about her boyfriend and how she'll complain about being fat and he'll tell her she's beautiful the way she is and she doesn't need to change.  And as she discussed it with me, she smiled like he's lit up her world and all I could think about was how I told her those same things, how I always complimented her and I don't think it ever meant the same to her coming from me as it does coming from him.  Like my compliments don't matter as much because I don't matter as much.

Stings a little.

And as I've mentioned, two new guys have been hired at work.  They are young and thin and attractive and the other day, I took this girl to lunch and she talked about how cute one of the new guys was.  She even went as far to say she has checked the schedule before to find out when he's working so she can come in and shop while he's there.  I sat there and had to hear about how she thought some other guy was so good-looking and it just made me feel really bad.

First of all, the fact that she talked to me like I was one of her girlfriends.  You'd think I'd be used to it by now as every girl I've ever encountered has treated me like that.  I can't tell you how many break-up stories and crush encounters I've had to hear about over the phone or over dinner.  I'm that guy.  I'm the sensitive friend, the understanding brother type.  I'm the guy who listens and never the one being gushed over.

Secondly, she's never come in early to see me.  I check the schedule all the time to see when she's coming in and when I see that I won't see her for a couple of days, I have to admit, I'm a bit disappointed.  I wonder if she's ever checked for my name.

Just as I feared, it seems the new guy is slowly stealing her away from me but it's not like she was ever mine to steal from in the first place so I guess it doesn't really matter.

And the other day, I got off work work and she was still there and she said she was hungry so instead of leaving work and going home, I left and went miles out of my way in the rain to go grab her some food and bring it back to her, just to show I cared. I came back in, dotted with raindrops and sliding on the floor and jokingly said, "You owe me one."  And she replied, "K, thanks, bye."  And it just felt like she didn't appreciate it very much.

I always feel I do these things, always go beyond what is necessary or required, and it's always met with tepid acceptance.  And I think pretty girls like her tend to take those kind of gestures for granted.  They are used to that kind of treatment and perhaps even expect it and so when they get it, they don't take the time to notice or don't even realize that they are not entitled to the kind actions, the reassuring words, and the sincere compliments that are presented to them.

And that's not to say she's a bad person or stuck up because she's not.  I wouldn't think she was cool if she were like that.  But she just comes off as oblivious or unappreciative sometimes and it's a bit frustrating.

It just makes me realize why I've never been in a relationship.  I'm not even close to being in a relationship with this girl and it's already too complicated for my liking.  Just imagine if things were to get serious.  I'm not mature or mentally stable enough for human relations.

And I'm fine with that.

No matter how I feel about her or how things turn out, it doesn't change the fact that she sparked something in me that had been dormant for years.  She's the first deep breath I've taken in years.  And that's a good thing.  I guess.  I actually don't know how to process or what to do with this new revelation.  It almost makes me feel like a person again and that's just not something I thought I'd ever get back to and it's a bit frightening.

That fright makes me want to shrink back inside of myself, alive but alarmed, cautious of people and their problematic hearts.  I keep traversing back and forth between being shunned and locking myself away from people.  I reach out and retract.  Sometimes I think things were easier when I was the outcasted corpse.  I guess I'll just have to get used to my new role as a revived recluse.