my crotch looks like pinhead

While at work the other day, I came back from lunch and used the bathroom.  I looked down to unzip and realized I was already unzipped.  I thought it was kind of odd but assumed I must have forgotten to zip up the last time I went to the bathroom.  When I was done, I went to zip up and realized my zipper was down not because I had forgotten to zip up but because it was broken.

I darted to the desk behind my counter and called every department I could think of and asked them if they had any safety pins.  No one did.  I sneaked over to the break room where all the managers were having a conversation.  I didn't want to call to everyone's attention that my fly was wide open so I went back to the desk and found some straight pins.

Knowing it was a long shot, I weaved the pin between the two pieces of fabric, hoping it would keep my fly closed.  Not only did it not work but I poked...uh, myself...several times.

I had to go back to the conversing managers and ask them if they had any safety pins.

"Did your pants split?" one of the managers asked.

"Not exactly," I said.  "I did have a wardrobe malfunction, though.  My zipper just broke."

"Oh, gosh, yeah, let's see if we can find any."

A few minutes later, they scrounged up some safety pins for me and someone even found some needle and thread.  I went back to the bathroom to apply the pins.  I didn't know how hard it would be to pin my pants back together while wearing them.  It took about twenty minutes for me to put in four safety pins.  Plus, I did a lot more accidental poking.  Ouch!

By the time I was done, it looked terrible.  Not only did my fly not lie flat but you could see the safety pins poking out, especially from the side view.  It was not going to work.

I went and grabbed the needle and thread, and with no idea how to sew anything, went back in and hunched over to my crotch and began the delicate and tedious work of sewing up my fly.

My back began to ache and the bathroom started to grow hot and muggy.  The thread either kept snapping off or came out of the eye of the needle.  I spooled out a bunch of thread to make sure I had enough to sew but I unraveled too much and the thread got all tangled up in the teeth of the zipper.  Sweat dropped off my nose and I felt a shooting pain down my back.

It was not going well.

Eventually, I thought I had sewed up the fly pretty well.  But I had a spool of thread hanging out of my crotch.  I didn't know how to cut the thread without loosening it so I just cut it and sure enough, after my first couple of steps, the thread loosening and my fly was just as open as it was before I began the laborious process of sewing that sucker shut.

I gave up.  I only had a little over an hour of work left so I just hid behind the counter to mask my exposure.

Check out this mess.  With all that  mangled metal so close to my scrotum, it looks like I'm emulating Albert Fish.