hands to grow

I'll admit I'm quick to judge others but I also judge myself quite harshly.  I think a part of my constant frustration with myself and my constant annoyance with my life in general is just the fact that I cannot be content with anyone's character, including my own.  I tend to pick up on (what I think is) everyone's flaws.  I have this idea in my head of how everyone should act and no one quite lives up to my expectations.  But I can't blame anyone because I can't live up to my own, either.

One of my big problems is I'm incredibly selfish.  Yes, I'm constantly considering others and their feelings but only because I know I'm supposed to, that it's the Christian thing to do, that it's what is right.  But I don't naturally move in that direction.  In fact, one of the only reasons I do consider other people's feelings is because I know I will feel guilty if I don't.  So even the kindness is driven by selfishness.

But I don't want to be selfish.  I want to help people because I feel they deserve it, because I genuinely want to, because I want them to be happy, not because I'm trying to spare my own feelings.

But more than that, I wish I could find someone in particular to help.  I want to have someone I genuinely care about more than myself.  I want to find someone to love and take care of, someone I could offer myself to, give my head and my heart and my hands to help them grow.  I want to find someone I'd be willing to die for, but maybe more importantly, someone I'd be willing to live for.

Of course there's the bonus of having that person make me feel good, too, but I don't think I'm even looking for that.  Sure, it would be great to feel special but I want to be the one to make someone else feel special.  I need to know I actually do possess the ability to care and to feel like I can make a difference in someone's life.  That I might just mean something to someone.

When I was younger, I used to feel I needed to be loved.  Now, I just need to feel human.  But what comprises a human?  Love must play some part.  But is it more important to be loved, to be shown that you're not the monster you've been led to believe you are?  Or is it more important to be the one to love, to see that there is a heart inside your chest that can actually operate just like any other?

I just think it would be nice to take care of someone.  It would be nice to be needed.  It would be nice to know I made a difference, an impact, or even some semblance of an influence.  It's my way of finding meaning.  It's my way of trying to make some kind of sense out of my existence.  I don't think I'll ever change the world so I'm trying to set my goals a bit smaller.

When I was young I wanted to change the world but now I see the world is too far gone.  It's nothing more than a ball of chaos held together by gravity.  I don't think I'll ever change the world.  My reach is too small, my words to faint, my ideas too frail.  But people can be different.  What if I could change the chaos inside them?  What if I had the means to move someone?

Maybe that would finally move me as well.