connection

I've always been a lonely person.  My secluded childhood coupled with my crippling insecurity has carved out a hole for me that I've lived in for far too long.  But there have been times when I've popped my head up out of the ground and found people I considered interesting, people I wanted to connect with and befriend.  And in my own ways, I've tried.  Fighting against my lack of sociability, I've made attempts at connecting with people, whether it be professional or platonic and it seems like nothing ever materializes.

Throughout the years, I learned that I can't just hope for people to come to me.  I have to reach out more and more.  I have to put myself out there, as scary as it is, to make myself known.  And I've done that.  The results have been less than spectacular.

One of the benefits of social networking websites is that I am able to discover people with similar interests, people that just do not live in my area.  I've found creative people with a passion for art and it's refreshing and at times even comforting to go to their page or blog and read about them and realize that there are other people out there who strive to deliver art and beauty and a message to the world.

But discovering these people puts me in a vulnerable position.  When I find talent, I usually find those who are more talented than I am. Naturally, I think I'm dreadful but talent is mostly subjective, no?  I might be every bit as good or at least good in a different way than these people but all I can see is the glaring gap between what they are capable of and what I can do.  And that makes it hard to reach out.  I fear being rejected or outright ignored.

The worst part is my fears usually come true.

When I do manage to muster up the strength to put myself out there and make myself known to someone I admire, it usually starts off well enough but eventually tapers off into the person either dismissing, replacing, or ignoring me.  Sometimes the connection is strong, while other times it's tepid at best.  Sometimes it lasts for years and sometimes just a few months.  But it all ends the same.  They move on and I'm left wondering why.

My insecurity has to play a major factor.  How many times can people hear about someone being so down on themselves?  For me, I just feel like I need to point out my inadequacies before anyone else can.  I need people to know how aware I am of my talents and limitations.  For me, that gives me some sort of control over what people think of me because I am preoccupied by what others think.

I do this with both my physical appearance and artistic talents.  I have to beat people to the punch when it comes to judging me.  If I point out my big belly or balding head before anyone else can, it makes me feel like they know I'm not oblivious.  It makes me feel a little less stupid because they don't have one over on me.  They can't say "who does this guy think he is?" because they know exactly who I think I am.

I was always shy and reserved about  my abilities because I knew there were people out there so much better than me.  It made me wonder what the point of my abilities were when there were people out there who did it so much better.  For example, why read Twilight when you have Dracula, know what I'm saying?

But I suppose I just answered my own question.  Everyone has their own tastes and maybe Twilight appeals to something in people that Dracula can't reach.  Maybe that's the way it is with art in general.  Different formats and styles work for different people.  I might not be as sophisticated of a writer or as realistic as some artists but that doesn't mean I can't appeal to some people, right?  But because I am so down on myself, I can't seem to be fine with just average talent, even if I do reach an audience.  Do I want to be popular or prestigious?

Any time I get involved with someone artistic, I always like to make sure they know I'm not flaunting myself as the next big thing, or anything at all, really.  I know what I can and cannot do, my limitations and the contributions that I think I can make when it comes to creative endeavors.  I need people to know where I see myself in the art world so they don't think I think I'm better than I am because that just seems embarrassing.  I don't want to endorse garbage or claim to be an amazing writer or artist and then ultimate disappoint when it comes to my actual work.

That insecurity might be my undoing when it comes to forming professional relationships.  I can't be relied on to contribute a competent critique or give a unique perspective on a project.  Most artistic people want to be surrounded by those who are like-minded, by people who can help them grow, who, even if they might be not as talented or even talented in a different kind of way, can at least hold their own.  Artists, and people in general, have no use for the insecure who need a pat on the back and a quick ego stroke to move forward in life.

Hm.

I've realized that I've lost a lot of people who have mattered to me.  I've managed to keep some acquaintances over the years but it's only because I was never that invested, always kept them at arm's length, never opened myself up in such a way as to allow them to get to know the real me, or rather the realest me that I can come up with because I don't even know who the real me is.

It's the other people, the ones I opened myself up to, the ones I slowly learned to trust, who have gone away and I can't blame them.  When someone gets closer to the heart of me, it becomes scary.  It becomes frustrating having to constantly soothe and satisfy and it's all together not fun to deal with.  And so they get busy or slowly taper off the conversations until things have flickered out. 

And that's fine. 

If I could end the relationship I have with myself, I probably would as well.