Retail Hell Revisited

In my last entry, I forgot to mention that I did accept the position at JCP.  Today was the first day of training.  First, let me say that I got an e-mail from the bingo facility saying that they were not reopening.  This is twice now.  I'm glad I didn't agree to go back there.  I feel that place is going to be in limbo for a long time and there's not enough stability for me to return.  I might only be working part-time but at least it will be consistent part-time instead of irregular bouts of full-time work.  So, I feel good about the decision.

Kind of.

I really don't want to be a Danny Downer but I'm still fuzzy over returning to JCP.  I mean, it almost feels like I'm going backward.  I'm going back there and might be going back to school soon and it'll be just like when I was twenty again, as if the last four years of my life didn't even happen.  But, then again, maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

Today was training and it was a bit more intense than I had anticipated.  Some things have changed and I've gotten rusty with the skills that I used to know.  I'm sure once I get out on the floor by myself I'll find my groove again but dipping my toes back into used water isn't that much fun.  I don't know, I just feel lame.  I know I shouldn't but this just isn't where I wanted to be at this age.  I was hoping to have a good job doing what I love but I guess all college graduates hope for that and some get it, some don't.  I think it would make me feel better to know I wasn't the only chap in this position.  Well, I know I'm not.  There are quite a few people that have communicated to me that they or someone they know graduated from college and are working crappy jobs just to get by until something better comes along.  It's somewhat helpful but it's still annoying.

And everyone is new.  There's only a handful of people left that I worked with and the rest look...uh...unsavory.  I gotta be honest, I don't really have any intention on making friends there.  I really just want to earn a paycheck so I can eventually afford the equipment and software to continue my animation.  And hopefully the job will help get my mom off my back somewhat.  I brought my schedule for the rest of the week home and she said, "Are you going to be able to get any more hours than this?"  I wanted to punch her in the face.  I already told her it would be part-time and that my supervisor said she'd try to help me out as much as possible.  What more can I do?  Take my manager into the back office and toss her salad to bump myself up a few notches on her priority list?  Back off.  My mother should just be glad I was irritated enough with her nagging that I went back there for a job in the first place.  I could still be sitting on my doughy duff doing nothing.  At least I'll be getting out of the house and we'll be out of each other's hair.

Except for having to push credit card applications on people, I don't see it being too stressful.  In fact, I'm hoping it might be slightly peaceful.  As far as I know, I'll be back in my old stomping grounds in the men's department and not many people shop there.  I'm sure I'll spend most of my time folding shirts, which is fine with me.  It gives me a chance to kind of chill and think my thoughts.  Plus, I really enjoy it when I can straighten an entire section of clothing.  I'm really OCD about things being neat and orderly (outside of my own bedroom) and so I enjoy it when it looks nice in my department.

Yet, I can't shake this feeling of retreading, of beating a dead whore.  Ideally, I would be working at a new job where I can learn new skills that might be beneficial in the future.  I don't think I'll learn anything new here.  It will be more of a refresher course.  Then again, I'm not sure I want to learn anything new.  As I said, this might be a good thing that I'm already familiar with policies and procedures.  I can jump in, do my thing, collect a paycheck and get out of there.  If I'm not worried about my performance, hopefully I'll be able to concentrate on my writing and art.

Speaking of art, animation software and equipment is ridiculously expensive.  It's going to be tough trying to save up for that while paying for student loans.  I was told I could request a forebearance to delay the payments for six months, which I will be doing.  Check this.  The guy I talked to said my payments would be six hundred dollars a month!  I told him that would be an impossibility so he put me on hold, came back and said he could only get it down to about three hundred a month, still more than I wanted to take on.  I'm already paying two hundred a month on a different loan.  Mom said she'd pay half if I'd pay the other half, which makes things a bit easier but I don't want to depend on my parents so much.  They pay for all of my expenses and I'm at a point in my life where I should be capable of taking care of myself.  I'm embarrassed.  I understand that some things are out of my hands.  I understand the economy's in the pooper and jobs are hard to come by but if I was better, smarter, worked harder and was more talented, I'd have a good job by now.  Or maybe I'm too hard on myself.  I suppose it doesn't matter now because what's done is done and I just have to do what I can with what's going on.

Or something like that.