Spasms

I woke up last Saturday and went to the bathroom.  After I peed, I put my hands on my hips and dipped my head back to stretch my back.  Big mistake.  A tiny explosion of pain blossomed across my lower back, sending my head forward causing me to grab onto the sink to catch my balance.  I stood hunched over as the pain pooled to every corner of my lower and middle back and hugged at my sides.  The pain momentarily stopped my breath and as the pinching settled into me, I tried to catch my breath.  It only made the pain worse.  I hobbled back into bed and hoped the pain would go away, that maybe I had simply stretched too hard too fast after being asleep and settled into sleep, that maybe it was a temporary pull of a muscle and it would stop hurting after a while.  It didn't!

This isn't the first time I've had back trouble.  Several years ago I had lower back pain that nearly incapacitated me.  I took medication but never saw a doctor or anything.  I always assumed it was the way I slept the night before or something of that nature.  And as mysteriously and suddenly as the pain came, it left.  And now I'm hurting again, although I know it was caused by my improper stretching.  It still sucks.  I took it easy the rest of the weekend, staying in bed watching a supernatural movie marathon on Lifetime (shut up).  On Sunday, I ached as I watched a few zombie movie commentaries.  It's kind of weird how time flies when you're paralyzed to your bed and learning about undead philosophy.

The pain was better for about a day and then it started hurting again and to make things even better, I got up a few mornings ago and hurt my back again.  I suppose any progress I might have made was quickly crushed as I found myself in major pain again.  I'm sitting in bed right now, a heating pad pressed between my eighty-four-year old man back and two fluffy pillows.  It hurts to breathe, dude!  I swear I'm deteriorating.

In completely unrelated news, I went back to Birmingham a few weeks ago for a job interview.  When I was at my sister's house, I applied to approximately thirty businesses and only got a call back from one.  I didn't do very well during the interview but I was still hopeful, perhaps even positive, that I would get the job.  I didn't.  Suck on that, positive people.  Positivity doesn't work.  So, I went back home dejected.  About two weeks later, I got a call back from another business I had applied to.  They called me in for an interview so that night I packed all my junk and went back to my sister's house the next day.  After resting from the nearly 200 mile trip, I went into the interview and killed it.

The lady who interviewed me had a slight hunchback and ashy hands.  Her untucked, outstretched and faded blue polo shirt hung over her ill-fitting khaki pants.  It was a lame customer service job, something I previously swore I would never do again but seeing as I was desperate for any kind of work, I was just happy to be called back by someone.  Plus, I know customer service.  Yes, I know my writing makes me seem like this huge jerk that no one can get along with but I assure you I'm not like this in person.  I can turn on the charm.  And did I ever!  She threw the usual customer service oriented questions my way and I threw the answers back at her with all grace and confidence of a seasoned customer service associate, which I am.  Then, she told me the job would be part-time.  Crap.  I couldn't support myself on that.

After the interview was over, I was a bit disappointed but decided to use my time in Birmingham to look for other work while I was there.  Maybe go through the paper, shoot some more resumes off to different companies, make the most of my time there instead of driving the near 200 more miles back home.  But, after I looked online and then through the paper and saw nothing, I decided to go back home anyway.  Shannon came home from work and started grilling me about jobs and I realized I didn't want to stay with her any longer than I needed to and I just felt like there was no reason for me to stay anyway.  So, I went back home.

The next day, I got a call from another company I had applied for.  Great.  This was Friday and they wanted me to come in on Monday for a...wait for it...group interview.  No thank you.  I agreed, not realizing what the lady had said until after I had hung up.  The anxiety creeped in.  It's rough enough trying to do an interview one on one, much less in front of a group of other people trying to get the same job as you.  I quickly realized I would probably have a panic attack so I called back the next day and politely withdrew my application, even going so far as to apologize for causing any inconvenience.  The dude hung up on me.  I was annoyed the rest of the day but I felt better knowing I wouldn't be working for jerks like that.  I felt like I had made the right decision.  I then made the decision that I wouldn't take that customer service job, either.  Sure, I could try to find another part-time job but it took four months just to find that one and there was no guarantee I'd find another, much less one that would work around someone else's schedule.  I decided to just wait it out until I found a full-time job.

So, I waited patiently for the customer service job to call and offer me a position.  I knew they were going to call back because I was fantastic in the interview.  Now, those who know me know I am not one to brag.  I don't think highly of myself and am conceited in no way whatsoever so when I say I was amazing, you know that I was.  Well, Monday came along and I didn't hear anything.  Then, Tuesday.  Then, Wednesday. They never called.  I was dumbfounded, flabbergasted, abashed, nonplussed and, if I'm going to be honest, a little gassy.  I couldn't believe they didn't call me back, especially after the ashy lady who interviewed me even suggested me for a higher position than the one I interviewed for!  I can't say I was upset not to have the job.  I was upset that they did not want to have me.

So, back to zero.

I'm thinking about becoming an escort.  You know, for people who are into chubby guys with an aversion to sunlight and leafy green vegetables.  That is, assuming I could put my back into it.