battlefield

Just as I suspected, as soon as I started making progress with my weight loss, I stopped trying as hard.

I have yet to get past thirty pounds.  I'll get really close and then gain another pound and then lose it and then gain two and then lose three and then gain it all back again, etc.  My eating is not great and I'm getting tired of my workouts.  I know I can change it up and do a different workout but I think I'm just tired of exercising in general.  I'm tired of the monotony of getting up and putting on my shoes and bouncing and punching and kicking for half an hour.  I'm also tired of not being able to have pizza.

Like I mentioned before, it took losing some of my fat to realize how fat I was.  As the pounds started coming off, I became more critical of myself.  I think it took me getting serious about losing weight again to see how bad I had let myself go.  Despite my thinning frame, all I could see was fat.  I was oblivious to how big I was.  I most likely just blocked out the fat because I couldn't handle it but once I knew I was making a difference and taking the weight off, I allowed my eyes to be opened to the damage I had done to myself.

The thing that sucks the most about being a big guy is even though I've lost thirty pounds, I'm still fat.  A fact that people still point out.

I still say retail is horrible.  It's demeaning and thankless and you run into some of the rudest people.  I had a guy come in the other day who needed help finding a dress shirt.  Like most guys who come in, he didn't know what the numbers on the shirts represented but he said he was a small, which was around a 14 1/2. 

"What size do you wear?" he asked with a smirk.  Completely irrelevant question but I knew where he was going with it.

"Probably a 16 1/2," I answered with a slight sigh.

"Yeah, you're a big boy, aren't ya?"

"Yeah, I am, and I'm working on it," I said and then walked away from him without another word.  What a dick.

I've had similar experiences at work with people calling me fat, whether they said it subtly or straight out.  I already struggle with trying to lose weight and trying to remain determined and it doesn't help when I get that kind of negative attention because of my body shape.  It's another deterrent.  

Despite the douche, I have had two other experiences where I ran into people I hadn't seen in a long time and they both noticed I had lost weight and told me I looked good.  And that felt good.  But not good enough to keep me going, at least not in the long run.  It temporarily motivates me until the depression sets in again and nothing settles my soul (and my stomach) like chocolate chip cookie dough.

I still struggle every single day.  When I get off work, frustrated and mentally exhausted, the only thing I can see is fast food.  The only thing I want is ice cream.  And when it comes to exercising, it's the last thing I want to do.  Food is forever my temptress.  My mind is forever my tormentor.  My body is forever a battlefield and representation of the feud between me and food.

All you have to do is take a look at me to see who is winning that day.