conversation

"It's time to come clean
And make sense of everything
It's time that we found out who we are
But I wish I could feel it all for you
I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain
Maybe you'd feel the same..."
-Ellie Goulding, Guns and Horses

I finally talked to her.  We went far too long without exchanging words.  So many things were left unsaid and hanging in the air and it got to a point where I didn't know where we stood or how she felt about things or even if she even thought about it or cared.  And in the conversation, feelings were finally expressed.  Heated feelings.  But they needed to come out and be heard and internalized.

The conversation made me see some things about myself that I had either been unaware of or outright ignored.  I realized I had bottled up a lot of the anger I had over various other circumstances and directed toward her.  I chose her to be the face of my pain, my death.  And she wasn't deserving but I think I did it partly because she was tangible and partly because I had a connection with her that I had never shared with anyone else.

When I crumbled, everything felt out of sorts.  College felt terrible.  My talent was terrible.  God seemed terrible.  All those things were concrete turned into concepts, intangible notions that put a dent in my head.  And I thought what she did was terrible, too.  And unlike college or Christ, she was real to me, not just something I wanted to believe in.  She was something I did believe in and so strongly.  So when she let me down, she shattered the glass throne I had placed her on years ago.  Consequently, we both fell.

But from our conversation, I realized she didn't shatter anything.  In my mind, I had preened her to be perfect.  We were so good for so long that I never factored in that she could be fallible.  But when I realized she was, it messed me up.  And it wasn't that she had shattered anything at all, but my perceptions of her were broken.  It was no one's fault.  There comes a time in everyone's relationship when one person finds out the other is an actual human capable of making mistakes and messes.  And when she went away, I blamed her for a long time.  And then I blamed myself for blaming her but I was just hurt and confused.  I never did or said anything out of malicious intent.  Neither did she.  We both took it the wrong way, however. 

It was just easier to point the finger at her because I was hurting and she was the way I could focus the pain, make sense of it.  It was also easier because she meant something to me.  I felt something for her at one time.  She was a friend.  She was my favorite thing.  My relationship with God had always been sketchy at best so when I essentially gave up trying to find him, it wasn't that big of a letdown or much of a surprise.  It was just inevitable.

And my first year of college sucked so bad that I didn't have high hopes for the rest of my time in the institution of learning.  Although I met some decent people, the damage was irrevocable and left a stain that saturated through every person I met, every conversation I had, and every good time I experienced.  There was always and underlying tension and sense of despair with everything I encountered but not with her.

Everything was so good.

And then it wasn't.

I didn't know how to deal.  I became confused and then sad and then angry.  Really angry.  The one good thing in my life was gone and so I had to surround myself in a cocoon of cold just to cope.  I needed to preserve what little life I had left because the realization of not having her in my life was too hard to comprehend.

At the time, I thought she had caused irreparable damage and vented about it.  She caught wind and was understandably devastated herself.  I caused my own irreparable damage to her.  The worst part of it is the hurt we inflicted on each other was brought about by our own hurt.  It was the way we both dealt with pain that pained each other.

I overreacted.  I had so much anger and confusion built up that when I finally found the words to let it out, it blasted out of me like a cannon.  And I blamed her for me not being able to make friends anymore but I actually think the conversation showed me that I'm responsible for not being able to make a connection.

I often feel the relationships I have with people are one-sided.  I feel I give so much and don't get much back but it's actually the complete opposite.  I don't give enough.  I expect things to go a certain way, expect a certain amount of give from them and a lot of take from me but I see now that I don't give much.  I'm always worried that I'm not worthy enough so I leave it all up to the other person to do most of the work to show me they care.  It's gross.

And she was a good example of someone who gave time and time again and the second she didn't act in a manner I approved of, I lashed out and went off and tore it all down.

I don't know why I act in such extremes.  I don't know why I'm so insecure.  I don't know why I can't be functional.  I do a lot of pretending and playing the part of someone who has it together when inside I am completely crazy.  I actually feel like no one really likes me and it's most likely because I don't like myself much.  I feel if people knew what I know about me, they'd run away.  Fast.

But with her, I knew she liked me.  Although she didn't have full access to my anxiety, she knew more than a lot of other people and she still stuck around.  Until the day she didn't but it had nothing to do with me.  I did try to understand but it didn't stop the pain from setting in.  And I feel bad that I threw away a friendship because she was in trouble.

But I like to think things were on the mend after the conversation.  Or at the very least, I hope there wasn't as much anger as there was before.  I hope we both understood each other a little better.  We acknowledged each of our missteps as well as the missteps of each other.  And I think we came to an amicable resolution, which does make me feel better.

I just hate that it ever got that way and makes me question whether or not I can have a meaningful relationship with anyone.  But not because of her this time.  Because of me.