sour cherry

"I want to learn how you save yourself 
for someone who loves you for you
So many times we just give it away 
to someone who couldn't even remember your name..."
-Sense Field, Save Yourself

"We're under the sheets
and you're killing me..."
-Ellie Goulding, Under the Sheets

One day in my art history class, I sat at my desk and looked around me as my professor droned on about Duchamp's "Fountain" and surmised I was probably the only virgin in the room.  I was not interested in a urinal as a piece of art so my mind wandered and landed in sexland. 

Because art history was a foundation class, the students were not separated by major and it was a mixed crowd.  Everyone from the trust fund valley girl fashion student to the animation student who doodled bunnies with manga eyes in his notebook to the chunky girl who wore pajamas to class every day sat among me.  And they had all probably been laid before.  So, why hadn't I?

"Well, look at me," I thought to myself.  Although I was the most attractive I had been in my young adult life, I still felt chubby and untouchable and I thought my physical appearance was why I hadn't yet had sex.

But I knew a lot of trolls who had engaged in sexual activity so that couldn't be it.  Just about anyone can find someone to sleep with.  People are so horny these days that being picky isn't always an option when the possibility of orgasm is within reach.  And it wasn't so much the fact that I thought I wasn't good-looking enough to be touched, but my looks caused a crippling insecurity that made me feel unworthy of intimacy.

I had enough trouble feeling good about the way I looked clothed, with all of my biggest flaws completely covered.  I couldn't imagine stripping away all the layers of protection and revealing everything to a partner.  Nakedness and intimacy opened up a whole new world of insecurity.

What if I wasn't good?  What if I wasn't well equipped or satisfying enough?  What if I jiggled too much or had no coordination?  I can't even pat my head and rub my stomach at the same time so how can I be expected to kiss and thrust and massage all at once?  Did I have the capability to cause pleasure?  Could my tongue tantalize?  Could I cause another to shudder with satisfaction?  It was something I hadn't thought much about.  It was a foreign concept to think I could put my body next to another.

When I was younger, I was fascinated with the concept of kissing.  I never understood how people could be bad kissers.  It seemed pretty simple.  Press your lips together and voila, nerve endings react and fire and pleasure pervade the body.  But when I actually had my first kiss, I understood.  I was so nervous and focused on not landing on her nose that all pleasure drained from the activity.  I tried to navigate my lips around hers without mashing my face into her mouth and the whole thing felt too hard and mechanical.  The thought of tongue usage terrified me so I cut our kissing short.

So with that taste of intimacy, I realized I was either done with it all or simply just not ready.  Through the years, thoughts of kissing progressed to thoughts of sexual intercourse and how much more involved it seemed than kissing but I still wondered how anyone could be bad at that, either.  I guessed it was possible but when you get down to it, don't the same basic mechanics as kissing apply?  Aren't you still just pressing parts together and waiting for the slippery friction to send waves of calm across the body?

I feel like some of you are giggling right now, thinking I have a lot to learn about how bad it can be.  But who will I trust enough to teach me?

Do I even want to know?

My insecurity about my weight and face have played an important role in preserving my virginity.  But I wonder if that's all.  If the desire for sex is there, it probably doesn't fade away because of insecurity.  You can be ugly and still want to have sex but I was ugly and didn't want to have sex.  I never thought sex was vital to my life.  But was that because I thought I was too gross for grinding and simply put the thought out of my mind or was I just a guy who simply didn't walk around with a lump in his pants all the time?

I used to think I wasn't a sexual person because I was never sexually attracted to anyone.  I didn't see tits and ass, only temperament and attitude.  I was more intrigued by people's minds instead of bodies and when everyone around me discovered sex, I discovered Doritos.  But in time I realized I was sexual.  Just not with other people.  And it's served me well so far.  There are times, however, when I do wonder what it would be like not to have to do all the work.  I wonder what I'm missing out on.  I wonder what the difference is, how someone else can bring out certain sensations I cannot reach.  What could they do that righty can't?

But it hasn't always been about hiding my body away like I was a hunchback locked in a bell tower.  My Christianity  has cock blocked me as well.  When I was younger, I was all about waiting until marriage to have sex.  And so were my peers.  But that certainly didn't last long.  Puberty hit us all and the hormones replaced hymnals.  Girls got boobs.  Boys got balls.  Bran got acne.  Maybe it was a good thing.  Maybe the pustules and prayer helped preserve my purity.  Or something like that.

As I grew older, my uptight views on sex loosened a bit.  I saw classmates and coworkers relating and mating in the real world and realized the real world is full of real sex.  And in a lot of instances, it almost feels like we are hardwired for it.  It's easy to forget that Christians are people first.  As much as you may love God and be a follower of Jesus and that's how you identify yourself, you're a human being first with a clean slate of skin and then religion is placed on top of that.

I felt waiting until marriage was ideal, that it was probable but not quite practical.  I also didn't understand why Christians hand picked sexuality to convert and condemn others.  Isn't it a sin no greater than any other?

But the humanity always bubbles up with temptations and lust and feelings of longing.  Your natural impulses constantly fight your faith and sometimes you mess up and that's okay.  I can't see premarital sex, or sex in general, as a graveled path that leads to hell.  We all fall short of the glory of God, right?  So why should we be punished for breaking a rule no one expected us to obey in the first place?

Admittedly, it's easy to say you can wait until marriage when there's no one trying to get in your pants but when you're put in that position (pun intended), it's harder (pun intended) to say no.

Perfect example:  an acquaintance recently revealed to me that one of our classmates from high school, an ultra religious and straight-laced girl, had sex before she got married.  You'd have to really know the girl to understand the full impact of the shock I was in when I heard this juicy bit of news.  She was practically a nun in high school.  Granted, she was engaged to this guy and they were only months away from their wedding, but still. 

The funniest part was when the acquaintance said she and her fiance prayed right after!  I just imagined them, naked and hunched over on the floor, covered in tears and semen, praying for forgiveness.  Hysterical.

But the point is, if she can't hold out, I don't have much hope for myself.

So, for me, for now, it's easy to stay virginal because I don't have anyone trying to tear off my drawers.
 
Hypocrite alert: Although I just mentioned how sex shouldn't be such a huge deal when it comes to Christianity, I have to admit maintaining my virginity has had a lot to do with trying to hold onto my faith.  Although I'm a bitter guy with a lot of hurt and anger in my heart, and although I don't pray as much as I used to or love my neighbor or attend church or spread love like a good little Christian, I've at least remained pure.  Sometimes I think it's the only semblance of obedience to God I have left.  But if having sex isn't a hell sentence, I don't think abstaining is going to guarantee salvation, either.

So why exactly am I still clinging to my cherry?

I definitely get curious about sex sometimes.  Or actually all the time.  There are days when I'm perfectly fine going without and then there are days when I want it but I wonder why I want it.  I think it's partly out of curiosity.  Sex is a part of life I have yet to experience, and at my age, most have by now.  I feel slightly left out of the loop.  I have nothing to add to a group's conversation of sordid sex stories.  I can't trade sex tips or get or offer advice when it comes to intercourse.

And then I think I partly want to do it just to get it over with so I won't have to think about it so much.  It's not that it even takes up too much of my thinking processes but it does swirl around in my noggin from time to time.  It's just one of those things I'd like to cross off the list, just to say I did it, just to have a new experience to ruminate over and help influence me when it comes to writing or reflecting and connecting with others.

And when it comes to connecting, there's that need for a physical connection.  I've rarely felt connected to people in my life.  I've had intellectual connections and have come close to emotional connections but nothing deep enough (no pun intended) to satisfy me.  Believe  me, I've tried.  One of the only close connections I have yet to attempt to form is a physical one.

The majority of the time, I feel I can't relate to people.  The separation is so strong that I don't even feel human.  I've heard nice things about sex.  It helps connect.  Is a little penetration what it will take to feel like I can actually be a person who can form bonds with someone else?  Isn't it just one of the many healing powers of sex?  Doesn't it also reduce stress and boost confidence?  Those are areas I certainly need help in.  I can't tell you how many times people have told me to just get a blowjob to relax.  I usually prefer a Snickers but they might be on to something.

But Bran and blowjobs just don't go together.  I've been so separated from people for so long that I can't see myself linking up with a lover.  I actually feels unnatural.  Alone is where I find my comfort.  It's also where I find my depression.  What's a horny boy with social anxiety to do?

I even had someone tell me they started to feel more confident when they started having sex.  I can see this being reasonable.  Knowing you aren't as gross as you thought is nice.  Being able to bare it all to someone without fear of rejection and even being embraced for all that you are is a wonderful feeling.  It's also probably nice to know you can rock someone else's world with your sexual prowess. 

I've also abstained because I still have some standards.  As I said, just about anyone can find someone to have sex with.  It might not be an ideal partner but there are willing participants out there.  And I've run into my fair share.  I've been propositioned on more than one occasion and have always politely declined.

And although I'm not as religious as I used to be, there's a part of me that still wants to wait for someone special, even if I don't marry them.  As charred and black as my heart has turned, I still think there's something romantic and special about waiting for someone you love, to share an intimate part of yourself with a carefully selected individual instead of anyone willing to open up wide.

But that special someone is nowhere to be found around here.  Everyone around is already married or has a child or is pregnant or wants babies.  None of that is for me.  It's another reason I need to leave this town.   I'd like to go somewhere new where I was appreciated and longed for.  I'd like to find someone to pull me out of my half-death and make me come alive.  Maybe new limbs in new locations will help the heart beat again.

There are days when I want nothing more than to cuddle, to have someone just grab my face and kiss me.  But then I realize I don't like people and don't actually want that.  It's just the inexperience, the hormones, the need to see what it feels like talking.  But I kind of do want it and the whole thing is confusing.

I've just encountered so many terrible people that I often want to pull myself from the population.  In some ways, I think I already have.  And since I've ostracized myself, it's not so easy to try to jump back into the barrage of bodies.  Just like with Christians.  Although I think of myself as an outcast, as a guy barely revived from a three year death, I'm still a human with needs.  I'd like to love and be loved and get it in every once in a while.  I'd like to know what it's like to have someone's arms wrapped around me.  I'd like to feel safe and make someone else feel safe as well.  Sometimes I think something as simple as a long hug would be beneficial to my body.

We all want it.  We all don't get it.  And I don't get why I haven't gotten it yet.

Have I really been saving myself or have I just been blowing myself off? 

When exactly does sexual attraction start?  And once you've had sex with one person, does it change the way you see other people?  Do you find yourself being sexually attracted to more people after that initial intimate encounter because now you know what it's like and you want to see how other people are in an intimate way?  What are your thoughts?  How do you feel about virginity and sex?  How did you feel about losing your virginity?  If you're still a virgin, what are your reasons?